Sex with a friend

Former Member

Hello,

I'm new on here and just looking to talk to someone.

I have been very sexually confused for a long time. I'm now 24.

I have previously lived quite a lesbian life! I've been quite actively involved in LGBT groups, had a girlfriend and came out to my mum and work colleagues. For a long time I still questioned if i could be bisexual but for a while it didn't really bother me as I was really happy with my life as it was.

Then my relationship broke down and I lost all the friends, support etc that I had build up. I was on my own again, and finding it difficult to find any lesbians to date! I decided I wanted to explore men. I'd never slept with any. After being single for a long time I ended up having some sexual experiences with a male friend (an ex work colleague). I've completely fallen for him and I no longer feel any confusion about being bisexual. The trouble is he is completely freaked out. He knew me back when I had a girlfriend and thought I was his lesbian friend. To him it seems as though my sexualilty just changed over night and he's scared I am going to start liking girls again.

It's really silly as I was always questioning and I don't view it like that. I can be faithful there is no evidence I cannot. I've never cheated. When I was with my girlfriend I put men on the backburner and that was fine I didn't need to know or explore as I was happy with her. Why can't he see that I fallen for him I don't care about any women - or men for that matter. I just want to be with him.


I hope some of this makes sense. I guess the one thing I can take from it is I'm finally certain about my sexuality.

Former Member

Please someone reply. :-(

I'm new to the boards and just feel really alone with this. Like no one understands :-(

Former Member

Less is more wrote: »

Please someone reply. :-(

I'm new to the boards and just feel really alone with this. Like no one understands :-(

Hey Less is more. Sometimes it takes a while over the weekend for people to reply; and sometimes we spend a while wondering what do say.

I can identify to an extent (was LGBT Officer, etc., at university) and have seen some of my mates who were gay as a queen of may in springtime have "straight" relationships later in life.

The thing is, sexuality is a spectrum and people move along it at different points. No one really knows why, and there's a fair bit of evidence that women are (generally) more flexible in that regard than men.

I don't think it matters who you end up with, personally, as long as they're not a complete arsehole...

None of this takes away any other part of your identity or history.

Former Member

Hey, I won't pretend that i really know what it is to be confused by my sexuality, because i don't.....

I can see both sides of this. You just want to be with him and noone else, which is great, but he has seen you "be a lesbian" first hand and so for me it's perfectly understandable for him to have doubts...

Anyway, i think the reason you came here is to find a way of making this guy believe that you will be faithful/not go back to girls. Sadly, I don't think there is a way, it's entirely down to him if he can handle those doubts/put them to one side and get together with you or not.

I have one question...you said in your post that part of the reason you explored men is because you "couldn't find any lesbians to date". Is this something you communicated to your friend? If so then that would just reinforce the idea in his mind that you were a lesbian who you was just "experimenting" with men....IMO.

As i said, it's probably the fact that you were a lesbian right in front of him for months/years that means he is struggling with it. If it was someone you'd just met i think it would be slightly easier.

Just my two cents anyway.

Good luck

Former Member

I really appreciate both of your replies.

This is pretty painful stuff. I feel like i don't fit in the gay community and I don't fit in the straight world. Me trying find girls to date was because I knew crossing over sides would be complicated. People just seem to see you as either one or the other and I'd already had my gay experiences. I didn't really mind being thought of as a lesbian but now it's broken my heart. It's ruined the one chance I felt I had in years to be with someone that made me feel awesome.

Coupled with that I just feel so alone and that no one understands this. Maybe they never will. A guy will always think I'll go off with a girl and a girl will think I'll go off with a guy. I've never done anything like that and I don't think I will.

I can see it must be very confusing for him. But I also feel angry that he must have only seen me as 'a lesbian' and there is so much more to me as a person whatever word it is I use to identify.

Indrid Cold

I don't really get the confusion on his part. Why would you be more likely to leave him for a woman than you'd be to leave him for another man if you were straight?

Former Member

Difficult one, ultimately it doesn't matter what he thinks right now, your worrying that he's worrying. Just keep enjoying the time you are with him, and don't worry about the future, relise there is a possability it might not work out but try to enjoy the time for both of you, if he cares for your company too he will make his own mind up eventually.

Former Member

He's probably not worried that you'll cheat.

Just one day you'll turn round and go, you know what girls are better.

Former Member

Again thank you to everyone for your replies. I'm really just looking to talk about this.

I think Shikari is right about his worries. The cheating is my hang up as I've heard people say it a lot when refering to bisexuals.

We actually slept together a few months ago now and I've been trying to move on. I know he said it was really hard as he'd only know me as a lesbian. But it seemed he did like me and there was something there. We had a few dates but it was weird. The last time I saw him (few months ago) his words to me were that 'he couldn't commit to a relationship'.

I've just moved out of home for the first time and I'm in a new area. Still in London (we both commute) It just feels so much has happened. I lost my hetro viginity finally at a really old age and just discovered this thing I've been confused about for years. If I liked men or not. This thing even therapy couldn't tell me a definite answer to.

It could also be that he just doesn't like me enough. Or maybe he doesn't like me enough to take this risk if he thinks I'll decide to like girls again.

It's just a lot for me to come to terms with and I worry this is going to keep happening in the future.

Former Member

Indrid Cold wrote: »

I don't really get the confusion on his part. Why would you be more likely to leave him for a woman than you'd be to leave him for another man if you were straight?

It's a common misconception that bi people can't settle down. Like, once you've experienced sex with both genders you can't possibly settle for one.

I agree that it's clearly a myth!

Former Member

Hi Less is more,

Welcome to the boards :wave:

It's great that you felt you could open up here, and this does seem to be really upsetting you *hug*

You say last time you saw him was a couple of months ago? Have you had communication since? Are you dating or back to friends?

You are completely right in saying that there is too much focus on labels and maybe he should've seen you simply as his friend rather than his "lesbian" friend. It seems like the "risk" he would take about you going back to girls is as risky as you starting to like another man! Perhaps like you say there could be something else bothering him?
If he slept with you knowing your past as a lesbian, then perhaps he can look past that and be happy you fell for him as a person rather then as a gender.

Do you have friends you can talk to this about? It seems like you are a little worried about admitting to wanting to date a man at the moment after you came out - but you have to remember people who care about you won't care about labels and will just want you to be happy!

Have a look at our article on the wrong label which seems quite relevant here - here is a snipet;

Gay or straight, it's just a category. A means of labelling yourself to conform to the way our society defines sex, gender and relationships. The trouble is our feelings and desires don't always sit so easily in this way, which can lead to a great deal of grief and confusion. Forget about the labels for a moment.
You're attracted to an individual, and the important thing is that you feel able to come to terms with these emotions. Try to have a heart to heart with the person in question, this will go some way to finding a positive outcome to this situation. Not just in terms of your feelings for him/her, but the bigger picture, too.

Do let us know how you get on *hug*

Former Member

Thank you everyone!

Thank you Christele - the article is pretty much this summed up :-)

I ended up meeting with him last week to tell him how I feel. Even if he rejected me I needed to have a proper reason!

To my surprise he didn't flat out reject me. He said that things were moving too fast before and he thought I would have forgotten about him. He said we should hang out more and see how it goes!

We had a date this week but I'm not really sure he knows how he feels. He's on crutches at the moment (torn ligaments in his ankle) so he was in a lot of pain. I guess it says a lot that he came and still wanted to meet me.

It seems to be very much me texting him to organise things though which is confusing. Maybe he's not interested or maybe it's just a guy thing.

I'm still struggling with labels. Everyone at work thinks I'm a lesbian. I wish I'd never come out now. I don't ever want to have a label again!

Former Member

hearts not parts

Former Member

Couldn't have put it any better!

Thanks SuzyCreamcheese :-)