If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options
Feel like I've lost my mind. harm, family problems. How do I become normal?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello.
I have depression. It's not like I feel sad all the time, I get the most ridiculous mood swings. I guess today started out badly, I had nightmares and my parents were roaring at each other before I woke up. By the time I started on breakfast my first lesson had already begun, which is sad because I'd done the homework and everything, so I decided to try and make it for the second instead, which was basically cancelled by snow anyway so a waste of time.
When I got home I was still trying to be positive and I cleared out my entire 20m driveway of 15cm snow with my mum's help which is still a lot of work for someone my height and weight.
But then I was just exhausted.
I get really angry with myself when I stop being productive because e.g. yesterday I did so much revision and I have soo much schoolwork to catch up on because I missed so much at the end of last term because I was just too suicidal to do anything, get up, go to school, whatever, it was all pointless. But if I ever want to catch up (and I dont' have long or I'll fail my A levels) I need to do about 10 essays a day.
I decided to just relaz on the sofa for a bit, but then my dad came home and I completely lost it.
To stop the suicidal thoughts the only thing that helps is doing something... obsessively, but then when a spanner comes up and I can't do that anymore, I freak out. I need a different kind of distraction!
I'm really worried that I'm insane or something.
I mean ok my dad is quite abusive and I think I may just like link him psychologically to my pain as a whole, but I really wanted my peace and quiet for like an hour. (for reference my dad comes home at 9pm every day, including sundays, and he's never shown any interest in me, apart from to scream at me that I'm only good at passing exams, I'm a rubbish daughter and I never talk to him (the only thing he ever says to me is 'how are you' which as a suicidal person is THE most painful thing I hear), he thinks I make it up about the suicide and there isn't a problem. He said I'm so ugly no one will ever marry me, I'm an ungrateful bitch who should know to shut her mouth, get her facts straight, and most of all don't answer back).
I stick to my room when he's here but whenever I come down to refill my hotwater bottle he'll suddenly need to go to the kitchen as well and he follows me around to try to 'talk to me'.
Then he pretends that he cares, that's why he came home at 4pm, every so often he does that, it's just so he can have more things to say when he's arguing with my mum and trying to tell her that she's ruined my life and driven me crazy, when actually he has had a way bigger part in that. He doesn't actually care at all. He's driven my mum to poor health, he's an accounant and illegally doctors the tax and stuff pretending that she works for him, but he doens't pay her any NI so she has NO pension, thank God for the new reforms. He stole all her life savings in an underhand way and in several ways has chained her to a life of misery and I'm sure she has mild depression, she doens't think so, but why is she unable to do anything other than watch TV all day. She says she feels like she's drowning. I know the feeling, there's just too many issues in my house.
I could write books about how nasty my dad is, but this isn't about that.
I feel so ashamed at how I reacted just to his car pulling up. normally I don't get angry ever.
put loads of things in front of the front door it to slow him down, then I moved an armchair in the living room doorway, then I went up to his room, threw a heap of clothes in his doorway and opened all his windows and threw his bedclothes on the floor, before taking some heavy things out to barricade my own door. I was just furious.
Why would anyone react like that to such a normal thing as their dad coming home? And I was roaring and screaming. I never do anything like that, I'm a really quiet shy reclusive person, though I do remember similar spiteful rages when I was a child. But I'm 18!! Why can't I just grow up!
I don't know what's wrong with me. I just want to die because well there's so many reasons but how am I ever going to become a normal person? It seems so impossible.
I was having some kind of panic attack when I was doing all my furniture moving and then I started scratching my arm.
It's really weird, I've been very very very tempted by self harming all through this depression and once I got a knife out (but that was because I wanted to kill myself) but I've never actually done it before, because I know how painful it is for your friends to watch you go through that because one of mine has done that before too, and if I'm so ugly, I'm hardly making things better by ruining my skin...
I don't know what to do right now.
I then just sat on my windowsill and realised that my mum was home as well and my tantrum was the stupidest thing in the entire world. I can't face my dad now (well I've never been able to ever). He;s gonna have such a go at me
Like that time when I wanted to just die and he threw my file in the mud and roared at me for being insolent, then he didn't believe me and basically said I should just go kill myself anyway.
or he'll tell my mum that I'm an evil psychotic bitch, or rather yell it at her.
I believe in forgive and forget, but I will never be able to forgive my dad, even though I know he only does it because in turn his mum abused him, but he doens't think he's doing anything wrong, he's all high and mighty. I've been begging my mum to divorce him since I was 9, she's always promised she'd do it when I was 18. I can\t take it
My mum came up to try and get me to open the door but I wouldn't and I was still scratching but I don't want to come down, cause he's there. But I feel so guilty for everything and ten for ignoring her and it causes her so much pain that I'm like this because she feels like a failure of a mother, I've let her down again. Why do I have these mood swings?
All I want is to grow as a person to just be nice, the way I used to be, but for every 4 good days I have a mad blow out day where I just explode. I was supposed to be seeing my psychologist tomorrow but I don't think I will because of the snow.
I have depression. It's not like I feel sad all the time, I get the most ridiculous mood swings. I guess today started out badly, I had nightmares and my parents were roaring at each other before I woke up. By the time I started on breakfast my first lesson had already begun, which is sad because I'd done the homework and everything, so I decided to try and make it for the second instead, which was basically cancelled by snow anyway so a waste of time.
When I got home I was still trying to be positive and I cleared out my entire 20m driveway of 15cm snow with my mum's help which is still a lot of work for someone my height and weight.
But then I was just exhausted.
I get really angry with myself when I stop being productive because e.g. yesterday I did so much revision and I have soo much schoolwork to catch up on because I missed so much at the end of last term because I was just too suicidal to do anything, get up, go to school, whatever, it was all pointless. But if I ever want to catch up (and I dont' have long or I'll fail my A levels) I need to do about 10 essays a day.
I decided to just relaz on the sofa for a bit, but then my dad came home and I completely lost it.
To stop the suicidal thoughts the only thing that helps is doing something... obsessively, but then when a spanner comes up and I can't do that anymore, I freak out. I need a different kind of distraction!
I'm really worried that I'm insane or something.
I mean ok my dad is quite abusive and I think I may just like link him psychologically to my pain as a whole, but I really wanted my peace and quiet for like an hour. (for reference my dad comes home at 9pm every day, including sundays, and he's never shown any interest in me, apart from to scream at me that I'm only good at passing exams, I'm a rubbish daughter and I never talk to him (the only thing he ever says to me is 'how are you' which as a suicidal person is THE most painful thing I hear), he thinks I make it up about the suicide and there isn't a problem. He said I'm so ugly no one will ever marry me, I'm an ungrateful bitch who should know to shut her mouth, get her facts straight, and most of all don't answer back).
I stick to my room when he's here but whenever I come down to refill my hotwater bottle he'll suddenly need to go to the kitchen as well and he follows me around to try to 'talk to me'.
Then he pretends that he cares, that's why he came home at 4pm, every so often he does that, it's just so he can have more things to say when he's arguing with my mum and trying to tell her that she's ruined my life and driven me crazy, when actually he has had a way bigger part in that. He doesn't actually care at all. He's driven my mum to poor health, he's an accounant and illegally doctors the tax and stuff pretending that she works for him, but he doens't pay her any NI so she has NO pension, thank God for the new reforms. He stole all her life savings in an underhand way and in several ways has chained her to a life of misery and I'm sure she has mild depression, she doens't think so, but why is she unable to do anything other than watch TV all day. She says she feels like she's drowning. I know the feeling, there's just too many issues in my house.
I could write books about how nasty my dad is, but this isn't about that.
I feel so ashamed at how I reacted just to his car pulling up. normally I don't get angry ever.
put loads of things in front of the front door it to slow him down, then I moved an armchair in the living room doorway, then I went up to his room, threw a heap of clothes in his doorway and opened all his windows and threw his bedclothes on the floor, before taking some heavy things out to barricade my own door. I was just furious.
Why would anyone react like that to such a normal thing as their dad coming home? And I was roaring and screaming. I never do anything like that, I'm a really quiet shy reclusive person, though I do remember similar spiteful rages when I was a child. But I'm 18!! Why can't I just grow up!
I don't know what's wrong with me. I just want to die because well there's so many reasons but how am I ever going to become a normal person? It seems so impossible.
I was having some kind of panic attack when I was doing all my furniture moving and then I started scratching my arm.
It's really weird, I've been very very very tempted by self harming all through this depression and once I got a knife out (but that was because I wanted to kill myself) but I've never actually done it before, because I know how painful it is for your friends to watch you go through that because one of mine has done that before too, and if I'm so ugly, I'm hardly making things better by ruining my skin...
I don't know what to do right now.
I then just sat on my windowsill and realised that my mum was home as well and my tantrum was the stupidest thing in the entire world. I can't face my dad now (well I've never been able to ever). He;s gonna have such a go at me
Like that time when I wanted to just die and he threw my file in the mud and roared at me for being insolent, then he didn't believe me and basically said I should just go kill myself anyway.or he'll tell my mum that I'm an evil psychotic bitch, or rather yell it at her.
I believe in forgive and forget, but I will never be able to forgive my dad, even though I know he only does it because in turn his mum abused him, but he doens't think he's doing anything wrong, he's all high and mighty. I've been begging my mum to divorce him since I was 9, she's always promised she'd do it when I was 18. I can\t take it
My mum came up to try and get me to open the door but I wouldn't and I was still scratching but I don't want to come down, cause he's there. But I feel so guilty for everything and ten for ignoring her and it causes her so much pain that I'm like this because she feels like a failure of a mother, I've let her down again. Why do I have these mood swings?
All I want is to grow as a person to just be nice, the way I used to be, but for every 4 good days I have a mad blow out day where I just explode. I was supposed to be seeing my psychologist tomorrow but I don't think I will because of the snow.
0
Comments
Mood swings are all part of depression. You can be fine one minute, in tears the next, then go mental for no reason. Even the tiniest things can set you off and you don't know why. It doesn't mean you're insane, although it feels like it sometimes.
What's a 'normal person' anyway? I tried so hard to fit in when I was at school, being like everyone else, trying to be 'normal.' But I know now that I'm not like everyone else, I'm me, and if I had been me all along I think I would have been less confused and much happier. But no, I was trying to be like everyone else hating who I was.
In my opinion there is no normal, we are all different. You have to love those things that make you different, even the bad things like depression. I have accepted that I'm just one of the unlucky ones who gets depressed from time to time, and since realizing this I've become much happier.
As you might not get to see your psychologist, why not get in touch with some helplines or something? Like the Samaritans?
Have you tried to reassure her? xx *hug*
Your words make a lot of sense.
Eventually I unbarricaded and I talked to my mum and cried and she told me about her childhood and how hard it was, which somehow really helped calm me down, cause she and my uncle and aunts went through way more and didn't just survive it but totally pulled through it.
xx
I really relate to you about some things about your dad. I don't have a good relationship with my father. Memories from when i was a kid all i remember is his angry face and when we me or my sisters talk while he is watching the tv he would yell at us and he doesn't think twice before he would throw the first thing that is in fromt of him at us. He is that type of person that wants to go everything his way.
Even though he comes at 4.00 pm but than he doesn't want to hear family problems and if my mum told him some he would end up yelling at us would be very angry.At times i wish that he doesn't come home and would call to say that he is going to be late.
I even told my mum and i still am sometimes to leave him like she was going to do before but she told me that she can't leave him because she have nowhere to go and i think that she doesn't want to leave him ever.
Altough he have good days i still hate him sometimes and i will never forgive him for what he did to us and sometimes he still do.He will pick a subject so he can argue with my mum.
And when he found out that i s/h he said that he don't like it but i know that he doesn't care.not a person in my family cares wether i s/h or not. All they care about is what people are going to say about me because they told me to don't tell enyone what i did and if someone asks i find an excuse. Like i'm going to tell everyone that i s/h.
Reena is right and gave you good advice. I know she is helping me alot