Social Anxiety

Former Member

Weirdly it's taken me until close to my 27th birthday to work out that the above two words are the reason I am so alone, the reason i struggle to make friends, the reason i tend to lose the friends i do manage to get, and the reason i am still a virgin.

I always thought i was just really introverted/private and that eventually things would happen for me, but now i realise it's a big problem and will take more effort than i ever believed to fix.

I just don't know what to do/say/how to act around people. I can't maintain eye contact, i mumble/talk too fast and just say stupid stupid things or don't know what to say it all.

It got to a point late last year where i just accepted this was the way it will be forever, and i should make the best of it, but i can't. I will never be what i want to be unless i learn to communicate with people....but how on earth do you do that?

The saddest part is. I have genuinely never felt better about myself. I actually like myself, which is not something i have always been able to say. But put me in front of someone and i just go into my shell.

I know how i come across - weird, stupidly shy, even mean. But that's not me. I really don't think anyone knows the "real" me, or anything like it.

I accept i am the quiet type and don't want/need to be socialising all the time. I like to be alone and do what I want to do lots of the time.... I'd just like a few friends and maybe a chance of meeting a lady.

I feel like I have accepted the solitary life because i've never known any different. But there must be more to life than this?

Help!! :banghead:

Former Member

Hey Neddy

It's a shame that society seems to frown on shy people and favour those with 'confidence' (I put it in inverted commas because, weirdly, often those who seem most confident are actually the least secure).

What's so uplifting about your post is how comfortable you are with your situation. I get the sense that, if you could just connect with a few people, you'd open up and feel more complete.

Hold on to the fact that that is certainly possible. It's not easy making those first, important steps, but if you stick at it, connections will happen.

I'm sorry to hit you with a load of links, but they may help you make a bit of a plan of action. First of all, we've had a Q&A in our askTheSite service on this subject, so I thought you might benefit from the answer that our partners gave. Secondly, this article about shyness has lots of practical advice for you.

I'm not an expert, but I always find that the best - and easiest - connections are made with people who I have things in common with. It makes starting conversations easier as you both have something to say on the same topic. With this in mind, maybe you could have a big think about all your interests - write them all down, however insignificant they may seem, and then think of ways you may be able to meet new people through these interests. You never know...

Hope some of this helps

Former Member

Hi Neddy,
I have problems just like you said in a way.
I don't have any friends because of what i am. You said that you don't know how to act around people, well i feel the same. I don't look them in the eye, i am afraid to talk when i'm with someone, so if the other person with me ask me some thing i will respond while i think of what i am going to say and if the person that i'm with doesn't talk than there will be silent and it feel really awkward. It could be anyone even someone in my family. I'm afraid that if i talk i am going to say something stupid or something wrong.
I don't know how to help you with this and i don't know how to communicate with people myself.I am working on that ( But it's not working )
I'm happy to hear that you feel good about yourself and like yourself. Because i don't want anyone like me, i don't really like myself.
Keep liking yourself no matter what.
I'm like you i am a quiet type and i like to be alone and do stuff.
I want to make friends with someone, it doesn't have to be a group of people, one person is enough for me and maybe a man someday.:/
I really agree with spanner here, you have to make connection with people who you have things in common with. That way you could start on talking about things you like i know that helped me alot. I love animals and i decided to become a volunteer. I made friends and It's a bit easy now to continue with the conversation. I am still shy around them but i love their company even if i listen only sometimes.
Well spanner gave you more advice than i did and hope that it can help you. Let us know how you are doing.

Reena

Seems like you and me are on the same wave length. Knock of 2 years and you have me.
I've always struggled in social situations, and most likely it's the root cause of my past depression. But like you, I like who I am now, and don't want to pretend to be anything other than me just for others to feel comfortable.
When talking to people, or making friends, I feel like I have to put in extra effort compared to most, but it's paid off, I have been able to maintain friendships and family ties. -This was very hard in the past and I still get days where I would be happier on my own. I've even been able to open up to my friends more, and explain how difficult it was for me in the past. They have been really supportive and I believe it has helped strengthen our friendship.
Have you ever told anyone about your trouble socializing?

Sometimes I have to take a deep breath, remember to speak clearly and not too fast, pick something ordinary or random to talk about and just start blabbing. But then I have to remember to stop talking and listen for a while. It does feel like a lot of effort and sometimes I come away feeling stupid, but at least I can say I've tried.

I'm not to sure how I manage, I think we have to learn in our own way how to overcome some things, although it's nice to have some hints, you have to just try. Find what works best for you.
At least you can say you're not alone. xx *hug*

Former Member

Thanks for the replies.

I almost feel there are two versions of me. The guy inside is funny, caring, maybe even slightly interesting. He has feelings and cares about people/things as much as anyone else.

But the person on the outside.....talks too fast or not at all, doesn't look people in the eyes, and comes across as....weird, mean, awkward. However you want to describe it.

That's why i always either meet people once and never again, or have short lived friendships/flirtations that ALWAYS end before they've ever gone anywhere.

I used to try....to fight it, but i kind of realise now all i did by trying was make it worse, come across as even creepier, and drive those people away. So about 18 months ago I stopped trying, and now as much as i want to try again....i just don't know how.

I'd almost rather hate myself than this. At least then it would make sense that i have noone, but having noone just because i am incapable of being the real me around people is just....sad.

Sorry for the incoherent rant. Just had to write it down somewhere.

p.s No Reena I haven't talked to anyone about it....i really don't have anyone i could talk to about it anymore.