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Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I dunno really where to begin but the start is always good so I'll try to get down everything in a good order so that it makes sense 
I've had depression for a long time, at least 4-5 years, never actually been diagnosed but I have spoken to friends who also have depression and HAVE been diagnosed and they've pretty much told me that what I described to them is what they also feel like when they're depressed. I've been able to cope with it myself mostly, often just telling myself to man up and get on with things, keep busy and keep smiling etc. but lately it's felt worse than usual.
It was back in August last year (2012) that I began to feel the downward spiral again. Tried to keep myself from heading that way again, because winter usually makes me feel worse, the cold weather and less daylight hours seem to make my depression worse. Also I had a wonderful boyfriend, who I hadn't told about my depression yet but mentioned it to him in October just so that he was aware that I do fall back down sometimes in my moods.
I think it must have been November by the time I was properly feeling depressed and realized it, but hadn't told my boyfriend yet, because I often don't say anything as I don't like to worry people. I've only self harmed once before and from time to time do have suicidal thoughts when I'm in a down state but never actually attempted.
I began pushing him away from me as I didn't want him to have to deal with my depression as I felt like it was going to be worse than any time before, and it is. I wanted him to be happy and not have to be part of this because no one deserves to be dragged down too. I sought comfort from another close male friend and this has caused problems in what was my relationship. Now I feel extremely guilty and hate myself more than before. I'm afraid to go out with my friends because I feel like I don't deserve it and also feel as though I may drink too much, abuse what I drink etc.
I'm not eating or sleeping properly, I recently also got let off from my job which was one of the things making November/December bearable, but now I can feel the full brunt of this episode of depression, if I can call it that, and I'm worried that it may not be just depression. I'm having worse suicidal thoughts than before and barely trust myself to do simple tasks such as shaving my legs incase I do something stupid. The other night I was out for a friend's birthday, got quite drunk, and after an argument with the person who was my boyfriend, seriously felt like just standing in the middle of the road or doing something stupid like that.
I've always been scared to go to a doctor for things like this; I'm not good at opening up about it because it frightens me a lot and I also don't want to find out if there is actually something seriously wrong with me mentally I know I should probably go and get help but I don't feel like talking to any of my friends as I feel like a burden, the friend who is always depressed and stuff like that. There are times when I feel really really happy when I'm not depressed but they are very short lived compared to the periods of time I spend feeling depressed.
I can tell when it's bad, because I have a lot of trouble sleeping.
I'm happy with myself for posting this here at least.
I've had depression for a long time, at least 4-5 years, never actually been diagnosed but I have spoken to friends who also have depression and HAVE been diagnosed and they've pretty much told me that what I described to them is what they also feel like when they're depressed. I've been able to cope with it myself mostly, often just telling myself to man up and get on with things, keep busy and keep smiling etc. but lately it's felt worse than usual.
It was back in August last year (2012) that I began to feel the downward spiral again. Tried to keep myself from heading that way again, because winter usually makes me feel worse, the cold weather and less daylight hours seem to make my depression worse. Also I had a wonderful boyfriend, who I hadn't told about my depression yet but mentioned it to him in October just so that he was aware that I do fall back down sometimes in my moods.
I think it must have been November by the time I was properly feeling depressed and realized it, but hadn't told my boyfriend yet, because I often don't say anything as I don't like to worry people. I've only self harmed once before and from time to time do have suicidal thoughts when I'm in a down state but never actually attempted.
I began pushing him away from me as I didn't want him to have to deal with my depression as I felt like it was going to be worse than any time before, and it is. I wanted him to be happy and not have to be part of this because no one deserves to be dragged down too. I sought comfort from another close male friend and this has caused problems in what was my relationship. Now I feel extremely guilty and hate myself more than before. I'm afraid to go out with my friends because I feel like I don't deserve it and also feel as though I may drink too much, abuse what I drink etc.
I'm not eating or sleeping properly, I recently also got let off from my job which was one of the things making November/December bearable, but now I can feel the full brunt of this episode of depression, if I can call it that, and I'm worried that it may not be just depression. I'm having worse suicidal thoughts than before and barely trust myself to do simple tasks such as shaving my legs incase I do something stupid. The other night I was out for a friend's birthday, got quite drunk, and after an argument with the person who was my boyfriend, seriously felt like just standing in the middle of the road or doing something stupid like that.
I've always been scared to go to a doctor for things like this; I'm not good at opening up about it because it frightens me a lot and I also don't want to find out if there is actually something seriously wrong with me mentally
I know I should probably go and get help but I don't feel like talking to any of my friends as I feel like a burden, the friend who is always depressed and stuff like that. There are times when I feel really really happy when I'm not depressed but they are very short lived compared to the periods of time I spend feeling depressed.I can tell when it's bad, because I have a lot of trouble sleeping.
I'm happy with myself for posting this here at least.
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Link for SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) Hope it helps. http://thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/depression/feelingsad