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Confused about relationship with best friend. *mentions triggering topics*

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm really confused about my feelings towards my friend at the moment.

I've always wondered about whether I am bi or not, the fact is I still don't know. I am never sure if I 'like' like girls or if I am just wishing I was like them.

Last year I had a really bad time with depression, eating disorders, self harm and suicidal thoughts. I never spoke to anyone about it, I just kept it all locked up inside me. In recovery i have learned to talk to people - professionals, friends. In particular I have confided a lot in one of my housemates and best friends about my struggles.

She's been amazingly supportive and talked through it all with me. I really admire her. I feel a lot closer to her from confiding in her. Of course I love her, she's one of my best friends, but how do you know if you are IN love with someone?

The reasons I suspect something more could easily just be down to other things. I get jealous of her relationships with other friends and guys - but to be honest I'm like that with all of my friends, I like to be the person they are closest to and I want what they have - I think it's just my own insecurities. I also want to talk to her all the time, but does that even mean anything? Could that just be because I have confided in her and now I've said one thing, everything just wants to come spilling out because of the relief of finally talking about it and being close to someone? Given that we live together and I don't have any friends at home for the holidays, it's not surprising that I want to talk to her.

I haven't explained this very well at all, I'm just so confused. I think I am maybe trying to replace my lack of a relationship with this friendship, but how do you know that that is all you are doing? When does it cross the line?

I know you are going to ask about sexual feelings, but I honestly do not know. I have so little experience in that area and I've never been strongly attracted to anyone in real life, so I don't know how I feel in that sense.

Please help me to shed some light on this confusion!


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hiya :)

    I've been in kinda the same situation, except mine was a male friend. We became close supporting each other and are now in a very happy relationship :)

    I guess one thing you have to consider is her sexuality, however you feel about her obviously that's going to be important, but I assume you know that anyway :)

    How long have you been close friends with her? It could be that at the moment you like her as a close friend, however it could develop into more over time. I know you've said you don't really know about sexual feelings, but try thinking what you would do/feel if she made a move, that might help?

    One thing me and my bf were worried about is ruining the friendship, so if anything does happen make sure you're certain, when one person is your main support you don't want to lose them.

    Hope this helps a bit
    Nina x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey :)
    I've also been in a similar situation with my female friend (i am also female and identify as pansexual). Tbh at the time i dunno if i knew i liked her like that 100 percent. But i did find her very attractive and loved talking to her, so when i found out she was bi i decided to tell her (say decided just came out with it spontaneously really :P) and it turned out she felt the same. It took some time i guess for me to be 100 percent certain of if i thought it would work and if i thought it wasn't just me being overly attached - cos i do have attachment issues. But even though we aren't together (for many reasons) i do love her a lot and she loves me - and we do talk about our problems together which i think does make you feel closer to a person.
    I guess it just depends really - sometimes when we do discuss problems together we can get very attached to people and want to be with them as they understand us, but it doesn't mean we necessarily are in love with them and i think i knew the difference because i found her physically attractive too and cared a lot about her feelings and welfare.
    But i think it just takes time to tell and it can be different for each person.. when i was ill i got attached to someone i talked to a lot but rather than feeling like i loved her she felt more like a mother to me, and i felt similar things to what you seem too.
    Anyway sorry for it being so long, hope it helps :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks, I think that does help.

    Nina, I know she's definitely straight, so I wouldn't go anywhere with it I just want to figure it out for myself so that I know if I should try and distance myself or anything. We've been friends since meeting in the same halls at uni in September 2011. We have been pretty much inseparable since then. If she made a move then I would go with it, so that I could find out for sure!

    Alfie, that helps a lot, I think that I maybe am just getting confused because of the intensity of disclosing intimate things and finally having someone to talk to. We do tell each other almost everything, but then girls do tend to do that.

    It's harder to work it out because having never been in a relationship I don't have anything to compare it to!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi milou,

    It's tricky sometimes to know whether feeling are caring ones or loving/sexual ones. It's great that you found someone you can speak to about everything and that has helped you through all this - and it seems like you really care about her and she cares about you.

    As Nina said, it's hard to talk to her about this because there is a slight risk you could lose her. Do you think she is quite open minded? If you do eventually want to approach this, even though you say for now it's mainly about understanding these feelings for yourself, maybe you could make a comment about someone on Tv saying what you said about not being sure whether you think she's attractive or you want to be her, and maybe see her reaction? Perhaps she agrees with you and it could open up the conversation.

    Have a look at our articles on Being bi-curious which looks at when you realise you could have these feelings;
    "It's certainly not unusual to have feelings for people of a different gender from the one you normally fancy, whether it's someone you know in person or someone you see on TV or in a film," says Phil Nicol, Co-Chair of the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard. "Gender isn't always the defining factor in why people find others emotionally or sexually attractive. But it can sometimes be confusing or upsetting to have these feelings when you always thought that you could clearly define your sexual orientation."

    Do let us know how things go :)
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