Girl I had a thing with 2 years ago is back for xmas but wants just friends

Former Member

I have dug myself into a bit of pain here and really would like a few more people's thoughts on this.

2 years ago i was seeing this girl every now and again on nights out, i wasn't sure about it all so we never had an offical relationship, we went to the cinema and didn't catch most of the film from holding hands and would kiss and walk home every night out that we saw each other and i must admit i loved it. She was well into me, and basically she i think was hurt that nothing came of it. I have never had a relationship, perhaps thats what scared me initially, i have had no luck with women since. I saw Emma the friday before christmas in nightclub, she has not spoken to me for a bout a year now, and has had a boyfriend since and been with other guys.

Anyway i decided this being the 2nd xmas time i've seen her to go and say hi, and i then went with the group to another nightclub becuase she was going too. At the end of the night i walked home with as i used to do, and with a few beers down me expressed that i still liked her and she saaid i had made a mistake and should find someone else. That would be enough you'd think, but i suffered pain from that, i was fully convinced though since how we used to have so much fun kissing passionately in the past it felt like she might be being a bit protestive so i went over to hers for her number the following day, fair enough she was suprised to see me but she gave me her number, though when i text her i didn't get a reply from her. I decided with her still strongly on my mind to express my full thoughts and feelings on paper in the form of a card and a bouqeut of flowers to make a gesture to her, i sorted everything and went over on sunday morning with some flowers with my nice clothes and aftershave and said i just want to say sorry for the past and you still mean a lot to me, she just straight away gave me a big hug and then said "we can meet up for a coffee if you like, just text me".

I walked home sooo happy and 30 mins later had a text from her expressing how the flowers had been and the card, and she was free most days to meet up. I met up with her lunchtime on sunday, i took her to a nice grand hotel for a coffee and we were there for about an hour. We then got up and left and she was going to go home, but i managed to pursuede her to come over to see my place and my car and she stopped at mine for another hour and we sat and talked about all things, her problems with guys and my feelings for her, she said she just wants to be friends, when i asked if she would like to go for a meal or the cinema, she asked as like a date? and she said she just wants to be friends. I said no, it would just be nice to. I said i didn't want to say anything that would spoil things. Just before she was leaving mine she said we could meet up again to watch a film and to just text her.

I can't get her out of my head, i thought i could remain level headed, i text her this morning happy new year and did she want to meet up, she said she couldn't today because she has a friend visiting xx

She didn't suggest an alternative, and i am going to get an early night as this has been a difficult day. I do feel like i could speak to her about this, but i don't think that would be good for the friendship, silly as it sounds i am now aware that i definately want more than friends, and i don't think i could get another girl at the moment anyway as i feel they would just be a rebound. I am hoping to meet her before she goes away back to Uni, and if i can sort my head out maybe remain friends with her. I am hoping that despite what she has said maybe if we have enough good times together she might start to grow her feelings for me, as in the past we used to make out, surely she must find me attractive..

I don't know what form of advice anyone can give me on this, but i would very much appreciate any.

Thank You

Former Member

I think you still have strong feelings for her, and she isn't reciprocating them in the way you want her to.


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Former Member

Well it has been 2 years and she has had a boyfriend since and had other dates, but she liked the flowers and used to be really into me. I just wonder if there is any chance at all and how to go about it. She has told me Sunday we can watch a film, so i definitely want to do that. She is single at the moment, and goes back to Uni soon, though uni is only about an hour from me.. I'm not going to ignore me feelings just yet.. what do you think?

Former Member

Well you could always be in with a chance. However, you need to realise that although you two have a past and she is single, she very much may see you as a very good friend. If she got with you, that might ruin what she sees as a good friendship. Then again she might not want to be with you as bf/gf etc.


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Former Member

Hi there goddog2,

It's hard seeing someone after a couple years and finding out you still like them, and when they might not feel the same It seems that for now she's quite happy just being friends - do you think you could accept that long term?

If you think you have very strong feelings for her and only want more, then perhaps it's worth sharing this with her? It could hurt to just be friends knowing you want a relationship, and even though admitting this to her could end the friendship, it could also help you know where you stand and perhaps move on rather then keep hoping.

Do let us know how you get on *hug*

Former Member

Thanks for your reply's so far, i made my feelings known for her, she knows i still like her more than friends if possible, but i met and we talked on sunday (seems ages ago now), and friends was what she wanted, she didn't want to go on any dates or anything. I was a bit het up thinking about things for a while and then last night text her, she had said we could meet up for a movie sometime, so i asked her if friday night (tomorrow) or saturday night would be best for her... i just have a feeling that she is not going to be "available" for either. She replied saying last night saying she isn't free yet, more likely friday or saturday. but not for definate yet xx" doesn't feel very solid a commitment, but i spoke to my band mate about it and he said i've done enough and make her come to me, i understand that seemed quite a good idea, i might just not text her or contact her friday and hope to god she gets in touch with me to tell me, if she wants to she would contact me and if not i can maybe approach the topic with her in a week or two, thats the way it seems to be going at the moment anyway.

I would of course love to have her over before she goes, as i think a follow up meet would help us decide a long term friendship and make it more concrete perhaps.. but maybe rather than phone her, and or text her tomorrow or even worse saturday and let her wonder why i didn't message her.. what do you think? I mean maybe that would be silly, i can hopefully accept friends, but i would like more... so its a bit confusing, but im hoping if we try we can sort things out and my head will get sorted..

Main question is how to proceed, would it be silly to not contact her tomorrow after she said she might be free, or would it best for her to let me know, since i asked her already if she could do them? A friend would ask again... though i relise this is a bit more complicated, it might be that she is maybe not comfortable with it.. i really don't know. I can't force her to come, i got to hope...

ramble over. Thank You for your thoughts and interest people!

Former Member

I think you may be coming across to her as wanting more. If you keep on coming across like that then she might well not be able to even have a friendship with you. You have to think carefully about what you want with her, persue a relationship that she has said she doesn't want and lose a friend, or be a good friend.

I suggest just trying to talk to her as normal but without the mindset of trying to get anything more than friends, she will appreciate it more.


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Former Member

christele wrote: »

Hi there goddog2,

It's hard seeing someone after a couple years and finding out you still like them, and when they might not feel the same It seems that for now she's quite happy just being friends - do you think you could accept that long term?

If you think you have very strong feelings for her and only want more, then perhaps it's worth sharing this with her? It could hurt to just be friends knowing you want a relationship, and even though admitting this to her could end the friendship, it could also help you know where you stand and perhaps move on rather then keep hoping.

Do let us know how you get on *hug*

Thanks Christele for your kind response, very much on the mark with your advice. She very much liked the flowers, and indeed it seems i now have a connection open with her again, though at this early stage she has suggested she wants to be just friends, to answer your question could i deal with that? Well i think i need to get my head sorted so to speak, the more time i spend with her the more i will be able to tell. I want to be there for her, and be more than a friend, maybe a good friend? But i do have feelings for her, though these will deminish if i see that she is continuing to not reciprocate anything my way. If she ever did anything for me i would definately take things further with her as you know. I think i can cope with my feelings just about now, it was a bit rocky for my feelings first few days after commiting to making contact, not felt that bad in a long time, all the worry in one's head over how it will play out etc. I think in the long term im going to see how it plays out over the next couple of months, as she will move back to Uni, its wether or not i can go visit her for example to keep things alive with her. If things stay alive then i will see how my feelings are for her, if they got more uncontrollable then moving on or at least leaving things would be the way forward, and i think i could tell her that as well. The thing is she seems so comfortable around me, and likewise and she doesn't play any kind of games with me either - I really love her being around

Former Member

I wanted to update this thread with Friday night just gone. I didn't have to ask again, on friday after work i had a text from her asking "You still up for something later? Xxx", I had her company at mine and we watched DVD's till nearly 3 in the morning, (one film and then she wanted to watch ashes to ashes she had brought over). I wasn't fussed but didn't want her to go obviously lol, though i must admit that was fairly boring later on because she was curled up side of my sofa and was practically sleepy eyed, she said she didn't want to call it a night yet though because she was soo comfy lol. Yeah so nothing happened, i looked over to see her face and she sort of shoood me off with a smile and a hand gesture because i was looking at for a bit long i think, it was okay though i saw the humour in the situation. We had started the night by going and getting chinese and she helped me with a bottle of wine and some ginger beer.

Seen her by chance on Sunday as she was walking down my street whilst i was cleaning my car, she came over and spoke with me, she was doing a survey for uni about housing. Anyway contact has been brief with her since really, though it was nice to stop at chat on the street, though its only Monday lol i need to relise this lol. I am hoping we can do something again soon, i might cook for her, but first i need to know if she likes what i would cook. I would like to do something else as different as well, if the weather is good enough i might like to take her on a country walk or something.

Thanks for listening, any advice comments appreciated.

Former Member

I know this may hurt you to hear this, but I don't think you have realised that she might just want a friendship and it sounds like you are still set on trying to win her over.

Former Member

Where does she study at uni? It's it very far away? If it is, do you expect a relationship to start in the short time she'll be around? It sounds like she does just want a friendship but she's not minding the attention and all the times you're going out/staying in. If you decide to cook for her, I suggest you try and do it casual, not like you're courting her -that's more for your sake than hers, don't build massive expectations when she's already told you what she wants.

I'm in a similar situation, but it almost feels mutual that we don't rekindle the spark we had. We're waiting to see how we both feel in the coming months instead of one of us deciding earlier on its not a good idea and one of us gets hurt. Most likely me.

Former Member

G-Raffe wrote: »

I know this may hurt you to hear this, but I don't think you have realised that she might just want a friendship and it sounds like you are still set on trying to win her over.

Hi G Raffe, I hear what your saying, and you are partly right in that i would definately like to have things go further with her still, but at the moment we are enjoying each others company it would seem she does as well and i have met her a few times now. Even if as just friends in her eyes. I can't help how i feel, and there is no harm, i have really enjoyed her company since we have started over. It's still early days yet, and she is still back at the moment so im there for her.

Former Member

JavaKrypt wrote: »

Where does she study at uni? It's it very far away? If it is, do you expect a relationship to start in the short time she'll be around? It sounds like she does just want a friendship but she's not minding the attention and all the times you're going out/staying in. If you decide to cook for her, I suggest you try and do it casual, not like you're courting her -that's more for your sake than hers, don't build massive expectations when she's already told you what she wants.

I'm in a similar situation, but it almost feels mutual that we don't rekindle the spark we had. We're waiting to see how we both feel in the coming months instead of one of us deciding earlier on its not a good idea and one of us gets hurt. Most likely me.

Hi Java, shes not far from me and actually last night after work i messaged her asking if she wanted to come over for coffee and she said she need to get out of the house and so came over. We played cards at mine and then i decided to cook for us, she agreed and also decided to go and get her work as she was feeling the pressure of it. She isn't far from me, so we could meet up going forward so the distance isn't an issue at the moment, though at the moment she and me seem to be having a nice time in each others company though yes just as friends from last time she said things. So she went back home quickly and text me asking if her sister could come over as she was feeling down, so i said yes. It was a little bit awkward but her sister left after an hour and me and her sat for about 2 hours or more, and she was feeling upset and explained she was feeling pressures of uni and a guy she was thinking about, she has met him yesterday as she went back to uni for other things and met him for coffee. She asked if i was okay talking about it, and gave me a look to see as she knows i still like her. I said yes its fine, and i was able to comfort her and put my arm around her and she was a bit upset it felt really nice and i was able to comfort her and share an intimate moment, i told her we can always talk about anything like this she just needs to ring me or text me. I really enjoyed it.

Former Member

So you're still trying to court her, when she's said she wants to be friends and is talking to you about other guys? Sounds like you're setting yourself up for a big disappointment.


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Former Member

Ok this was never going to be easy, but something has happened.. she text me thursday asking if "do you want to do something later Xxx" I was on lunch at work and she wanted to know if we could there and then, but i couldn't there seemed some urgency in her request. We met that evening at mine, we had takeaway again and she had brought her laptop and some books to do some uni work, she wasn't talkative with me but i had agreed she could bring her work to do, because as well as the guy at uni she had mentioned she was thinking about before, she was also having stress of not being where she wanted to be with her work. Anyway later she stopped doing her work and we talked, she explained she was worried about being lonely and going into depression again, she said she had been depressed before. She seemed to be quite worried/upset so i listened and comforted her, i said here hug, and she hugged with me, she then kinda sinked down further on the couch and then then rested her head on my shoulder, very quickly things happened and i was holding her hand, my head with hers she put her legs over mine and it was amazing.. exactly what i have been wanting again with her, not something i ever expected was possible with her since she said we were just friends... it was kinda awkard on the couch so i suggested we move to my bedroom, we hadn't even been drinking, we had poured some wine, but she had had literally 2cm of hers and i had about half a glass.. so she agreed to let me carry her to my bedroom, she said this will be fun And i put her on my bed, and then we lay down and carried on, i was loving it and after a while longer of hugging etc tried to kiss her and then she said she wasn't sure what she wanted... i stopped and said its okay, i just want you to be happy.. she looked upset and she said she was confused... we carried on hugging etc and ended up staying in my bed for the night, its only a single bed so wasn't much room.. she slept with her all her clothes on, and i did the same, we were holding hands in bed, she would hold my arm etc, we squeezed hands etc and we were spooning, i tried to appoach other things but she disuaded me and so we slept the night together, it was very intimate and very nice for me. She left at the time i usually go for work.

And then just today we arranged to go to a neighbour town so she could do a survey for uni, half and hour before setting off she asked if her sister could come, i couldn't say no so she came too. It was a bit awkward for me, and not what i wanted. Both of them seemed to be obviosuly able to talk fine, but i felt like i couldn't connect with Emma hardly at all, she had a different mood about her and was quite short, kinda showed little interest in me... She did say all along she wanted friends, i feel like there is no way i can approach the topic easily now without making things more awkward, maybe we will meet again, she left the car saying see you soon.. and text me when i had got home saying thanks for taking them there. Both were out where i live tonight, so i stopped in to avoid mixing my feelings with drink and her, i never thought the sleeping together thing would happen. Actually there was no pressure on her to stop at mine, and yet she did, she agreed without being under the influence of alcohol to sleep with me.. and said she didn't know what she wanted 1/2 way through... its wether or not her sister asked to come along, or wether she asked her sister to come along, and wether her sister knows how much has gone on... stuff i can't know now, and probably won't ever now... We shared some of the connection we used to with the holding hands etc and hugging as we did those 2 years ago, and it felt special but she didn't fully commit with a kiss.. and now i will have to see how she relates to me, as i can't approach the topic i might have to just see how things go next time... thoughts welcome, i don't know what advice can be given to me now. I don't think anyone could predict this though..

Former Member

Ok just an update on things, we have been meeting up almost every night. She came over Sunday and we slept together again, this time we were kissing and hugging all night long. And then last night as well. Tonight she is coming over as well, though i can't write about that yet.

From someone who told me to move on, to someone who i want to spend lots of time with and she is also enjoying my company is quite a turn around of events. Last night she came over and was working on her uni work for about 2 hours in my front room, we didn't talk much, but then had a very intimate time in bed again, she told me the other night i would make a very good massusist (or however you spell it).

Last night when we were embracing in bed i was asking her about her future plans etc, she may move abroad for a few months, i expressed that i want to keep seeing her even though she will be back at uni, she seemed keen which i was happy about. I asked about going for a meal and going the cinema, which previously she was unsure about 'a date' wasn't what she wanted, but now she is being more comfortable with things it seems that we can do that as well. The only thing is we haven't had sex as such, though we have had some really intimate nights, its nice. I feel at the very least i have a really good friend who i can see again, i hope we can go on the unofficial date or two then maybe i feel i can see how im feeling and let her know, i dont think i will lose her as a friend, becuase i feel i'd be a lot more comfortable with either answer now.