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Violence, again.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So, I'm visiting family for Christmas, and I always dread this time of year, cos I'm the one that gets blamed for ruining Christmas Day.
Hmm... my arms and parts of my legs are just bruised.
My dad was violent for a few years, I first experienced the 'violence' when I was 9. It was horrible, but it was drummed into me that it was discipline. This happened mostly every day, when he got wired up and angry.
I done everything to try and better the situation: avoiding, phoning police, telling the school (I only done this when I got to 16). They had all blamed me.
So, I moved away, and now I'm visiting...
My 16 year old brother, has the violent personality on him, and flips out. My arms are covered with bruises, and I have a few on my legs. I honestly hate the flashbacks, and I don't know what to do.
I don't feel part of this 'family' any more. I feel like a smudge, and I don't like.
Hmm... my arms and parts of my legs are just bruised.
My dad was violent for a few years, I first experienced the 'violence' when I was 9. It was horrible, but it was drummed into me that it was discipline. This happened mostly every day, when he got wired up and angry.
I done everything to try and better the situation: avoiding, phoning police, telling the school (I only done this when I got to 16). They had all blamed me.
So, I moved away, and now I'm visiting...
My 16 year old brother, has the violent personality on him, and flips out. My arms are covered with bruises, and I have a few on my legs. I honestly hate the flashbacks, and I don't know what to do.
I don't feel part of this 'family' any more. I feel like a smudge, and I don't like.
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Comments
They're from my brother this time round, Firey
Really brave of you to post about this, it can't have been easy and I also admire you for putting your relationship with your little brother first and facing what sounds like a really difficult situation - returning to a place where you don't feel safe. I hope you get to spend some quality time together and that Christmas Day can be a little calmer this year.
How long are you there for? I wonder if there is any other family or a friend near by that you could go to should you feel tensions brewing and need a safe place to go to? It's worth having a plan b.. I know it's quite late in the day now.
Let us know how you're getting on and if you do need to call the police then remember that despite people trying to put blame on you, none of this is your fault and no one has the right to be violent towards you.
Take care and remember if you need to you can also call Childline for support 24/7 on 0800 1111
I also found this snippet from Mind about coping with flashbacks
*hug*
I'm here till the 10th Jan, I'm counting down the daaays! They're all miles away, but if things get really bad, I know there's someone I can stay with in London.
Kind of keeping distance, and shutting up, hardly spoke all day! I just honestly don't feel part of this family.. it's weird.
I will do I have their number saved on my phone!
Thank you lots! *hug*
I hope the next few days are as bearable as possible, just a PM anway if you need anything
Means a lot
Thank youu
I will do, I've been keeping out the way, and not talking, so it's like I'm invisible. Should hope!
Hope you have a lovely Christmas
I just wanted to ask: does he see any of the violence and are you ever worried about his safety? I know you're in a very difficult situation, but looking out for his health and safety is really important. If you are worried, and want to talk to someone, the NSPCC has a helpline for adults to talk to trained advisors about a child they are worried about. They also have some good videos to show you what to expect before you call.
I can't put the family through social services again, done that with me, and I've never been more hated.
Don't worry. You won't understand.
It's a fair point that people who haven't been on the receiving end of family violence won't understand. I know I won't. But Indrid's point is a valid one; your family will not like being called to account for their actions, that doesn't mean that it shouldn't happen.
Why do you think they would know it was you who called social services?
I also know how you feel about wanting your family to like you, but obviously you know safety comes first and keeping yourself and your brother safe, although that shouldn't always be down to you, you can't be there to protect him all of the time, but it sounds like he is well looked after and like you said he seems to get treated differently (it was the same with me).
I also got social services involved after I left so that they would be aware of the situation I was leaving because I was so scared that the violence I suffered would carry on with my brother, but it turned out not to be the case. When I got social services involved I asked the social worker not to name me as someone who had reported them, they just said that they had concerns through other people/school/neighbours whatever, and it never actually got back to me, that could be an option if you wanted to make sure they were still keeping an eye on your brother while you're not there.
I am glad that you have somewhere else to go though and don't have to live there permanently with that going on, I know well enough how horrible and damaging it can be and how it stays with you forever. Even now I'm out of that situation it still fucks me up in normal day life and it's not an easy thing to deal with, so I'm glad that you do have support so that you can talk about it and get away from it. I'm also always here if you want a chat, but you know that
Also if you wanted to speak to someone professional there is always someone you can talk to about it, what you have been through in the past and also if you are still in that situation (but hopefully not). Spanner already mentioned NSPCC and there are lots of others too if you just wanted to chat about it and give you advice. I used one helpline while I was still living at home, it was run through the council and I had a support worker who would ring every so often and have a chat with me about what was going on, I found it really helped me, just to have someone to talk to who wouldn't tell me that I had to do things, there was no pressure at all to tell them anything or report it to anyone without my permission, it was totally on my terms and they would be there whenever I needed to talk to them, so there could be something like that in your area that you could refer yourself to, if you wanted that is... And with those types of helplines you wouldn't need to worry about numbers showing up on bills or anything like that, because a lot of helplines now are anonymous so none of the numbers show on your phone when they ring you or when you contact them, which I think is pretty good.
Anyway I have probably just babbled a lot of bull, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and there are people who understand what you're going through. I think you're really brave for wanting to stick around and look after your brother, but also look after yourself, because YOU are important too.
Oh and by the way, you're also smurftastic :d
*hug*
Hmm7: Thank you lots, that actually does help! Sorry you've had to go through it as well, it's really shit aye? I'm back at home now, and little brother has my number, so he normally phones to moan down it, bless him. I know the family have favourites as well, I guess when they get angry they say things that shouldn't really be heard, which I guess makes me shit scared, as whoever shouts I just get anxious -.- Little brother's not said anything's happened or that he's been hurt - I remember him having bruises though, and I actually asked him, even though he was 4 at the time, if anyone was hurting him, and he was like no, I keep running into things! Which I actually believe. I think they're more safe when I'm not there tbh, as they don't see or hear it as much.
*hug*
The point is that there is no reason to want people to like you simply because you share genes. Any thing you might have owed them for raising you (if you disagree with the idea that parents owe their children to raise them) has been more than countered by how they've treated you.
Family is people who care for you. They don't, so they're not your family. They might as well be adopted parents of your little brother, and there is no reason to treat them differently.
Saying "you won't understand", aside from being a rude assumption, is an admission that you have closed your mind to the possibility that you're thinking about things in a "wrong" way. You're saying that there is no way for anyone to understand and still disagree with you, which is entirely wrong.
Sorry but that's bollocks. This is her family we are talking about, not just random people who she's met on the street, It's totally natural for Sophie to want to feel loved by her family, she has that right to be cared for and treated right just like anyone else would expect that, she's not asking her family for anything more than what they are SUPPOSED to do. If family are not supposed to love and care for you, and if you shouldn't expect that, then what are family for? What exactly are they supposed to do?
Obviously people will understand some of what Sophie is going through, but I think what she meant is that it's so complicated to even think about, that people who haven't been there just don't have the same thoughts and views as someone who has.
It's very easy for an outsider to say - this is what you should do, and this is what's right. But in real life, in that real situation it's not that easy. It's really easy for someone to say "Report it to social services and keep your brother safe" but what about all the shit that comes with that? What if her family decided that she couldn't see her brother anymore? Sophie has already said that her brother is treated differently, which was the same in my situation, it's still hard to leave them there, obviously you want to make sure they are TOTALLY safe by not even breathing the same freaking air as a horrible violent twat who should be locked up and thrown away the key, but it's not as easy as that and sometimes things are just better left as they are. It's so freaking hard and people who have been there will know only a slightly bit better about how painful it really is.
They're not her family except in the biological sense. Family is supposed to care about you. If adopted parents can be family, then biological ones can be not.
Nothing wrong with hoping that people will change though
I could hope that the deranged killer with the axe will change his mind at the last moment, but not doing anything to stop him because of it is a good way to ensure I die.
All I said us that you have no reason to want to make them like you. These people have your brother, who right now is an innocent little kid. Even if they're not treating him like they treated you, you have to ask yourself if you want him to grow up with them. Consider the possibility that if he does he'll end up like your other brother. The fact that you share genes with them should play no part at all.
To reiterate, in case the above isn't clear enough: I'm not telling you to report them again and again until something happens, that's up to you. I'm only advising that they don't deserve any special treatment simply because you share genes. Do what you'd do if there was no relation at all, because anything else only makes things worse.
Hey Indrid, I can see where you're coming from and you have a very clear line of argument that you believe in strongly - this is admirable in terms of your personal philosophy and assessment of how to approach a situation with complete and utter clarity.
The issue here is that Sophie is going through a really distressing situation that has all kinds of complex implications for her including short-term ones, long-terms ones, personal ones and ones that affect her wider personal community. With this in mind, we do need to have some sensitivity in recognising that we can give her all the advice in the world - but the reality is that progress needs to happen on her terms, with the support of those like hmmm7 has suggested, at her own pace.
Therefore, it's really important that while recognising your point of view is valid, you also acknowledge how sensitive an issue this is and that for Sophie to continue to feel confident getting advice and support, this thread cannot turn into a debate about what she should or shouldn't do. I hope that makes sense and you can see where I'm coming from.
Sophie, how are you feeling about being back up North generally? Are you back in the same place?