Boyfriend pressuring me to have sex...

Former Member

I'm 18 years old, and I've been in a relationship for a while now and things have started to get pretty serious. I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend is not. I know, without question, right now that I am not ready to have sex with him or with anyone right now due to a variety of reasons, religious beliefs being just one of them.

My boyfriend feels just the opposite way. He wants sex as soon as possible, and although he says time and time again that he will wait until I'm ready, he continuously talks about how much he wants sex and how frustrating it is that he can't sleep with me.

Sex means two very different things to the two of us. He has had sex with only one person before, but he has said that he had no feelings for the girl and did it just to "get it out of the way before college." I, on the other hand, am pretty sure of my emotional limits. I don't want to have sex with someone when there is a possibility that they will leave me. That's another reason I am leaning toward waiting until marriage; I want there to be a solidified commitment between myself and the person I have sex with, and I only want to have sex with one person. Am I the one that is in the wrong for thinking like this?

He has said that he wants sex well before marriage and that he won't marry someone without having sex with them beforehand. Now, my opinions on premarital sex are not set in stone and may be subject to change. However, even if I were eventually comfortable with it on my own terms, should I stay in a relationship in which sex is a condition?

I've touched on the subject of marriage. In addition to saying he won't marry me without having sex first, he also may or may not believe in marriage in the first place; he hasn't made up his mind. The same goes for having children. These are two things that I know I eventually want in my life.

I love my boyfriend, and I don't want to break up over this issue, but I'm starting to worry that we may just be too different from each other. Could it be that we are too young to be discussing things like this? Should I be waiting to see how we change and adapt together or should I be trying to move on?

Former Member

You need to have a dit down and a serious talk about your expectations from a relationship - at the moment yours appear to be incompatible, and it is most likely this discussion will lead to your relationship ending.

You need to be very careful how you put things, as men often have the view that a woman withholds sex to "force" them to do things - in his case get married.

Former Member

dump him. Hes not interested in what your feelings are on it and hes totally trying to coerce you. You shouldnt be having to stay strong under constant pressure. Youve told him your feelings, and he thinks its ok to keep badgering you.

Former Member

If you are not ready to have sex, then don't. If you genuinely want to wait for marriage, then you will need to find someone else who wants exactly the same thing. you are not wrong to want to wait for marriage, but in my opinion, it's a bad idea. In my own experience, and seeing other peoples relationships, i have made this conclusion: If the sex isn't good, the relationship wont work. Sex is a massive part of a serious relationship, and if you wait until you are married, it is very possible that you will have many marital issues if the sex is bad. i personally wouldn't want to take such a big leap not knowing if the sex is good or not. this doesnt mean marry the first guy who pleases you, but definitely get to know the man, and when you are ready, have sex. enjoy yourself, be safe, and have fun. but dont do it if you dont want to, and certainly dont let yourself be pressured into it. if you give into pressure, i guarantee the relationship will fail, and you will regret it. i know i rambled on a little bit, and im sorry. hope it was helpful though

*Holly*

Hi Clarabelle :wave:

You ask 'am I the one that's in the wrong for thinking like this?', and the answer is a very definite 'NO'. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way of thinking about sex. Whatever is right for you, is what's right. Nothing else.

We have an article about this on TheSite - how to say no to sex - which should help you think more about what's going on.

It sounds like you're having a few doubts about the future of your relationship, and possibly it's not the best idea to stay with someone if they're pressurising you to do stuff sexually that you're not ready for.

However, what is postive about this, is that you know your own mind, and you're willing and able to discuss this with your boyfriend. That is something a lot of people would be scared of, so be proud of yourself to that.

It's not fair for him to be pressurising you sexually. Do you think you could have a further chat with him? Perhaps make it clear that you won't have sex before you're ready to, and see what he says? You say you love him and don't want to break up with him, but it might be worth thinking whether you want to be a guy who doesn't appreciate such an important decision you've made?

Ultimately, only you can decide whether you want to stay together. But, in the meantime, be proud of your beliefs, not ashamed of them, or made to feel they're wrong.

Do let us know how you're getting on.

*hug*

Holly

Former Member

You aren't doing anything wrong. Just make it as clear as possible it isn't going to happen any time soon.

Have you considered satisfying his urges with out having full on sex?

Former Member

John Smithy wrote: »

Have you considered satisfying his urges with out having full on sex?

She shouldn't, for the record, have to.

Former Member

Fiend_85 wrote: »

She shouldn't, for the record, have to.

True that. Just saying you might be able to solve the problem and also stay with in the realms of what your emotionally comfortable with doing.

Former Member

sex is sex. If she doesnt want to have sex, then shes hardly going to want to wank him off or whatever youre insinuating. Its still sex.

Former Member

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have one sexual partner for life. As everyone's said you should sit down and have an honest talk with him. The impression I'm getting from your post is that you're not demanding he marry you anytime soon, but he is putting the pressure on you to have a sexual relationship. People can change, but if he's had sex once to 'get it out of the way' with someone he had no feelings for, there does seem to be a big mismatch in beliefs.