Advice for my boyfriend

Former Member

At the moment I'm struggling.. And my boyfriend is finding it really difficult to be in a relationship with me because of how suicidal/depressed I am.
He's said I'm making him "feel like shit" and that there's nothing he can do to make me better. He's said he's tired of supporting me because no matter what he does he can't make me happy...
(I'd like to add I've made it quite clear to him that I am happy with the relationship, it's just everything else in my life bringing me down, and I don't expect him to sort that out at all)
I was just wondering if any one knew of any good advice pages for being in a relationship with someone who has mental health problems? I really don't want to lose him, but when I've tried to speak to him about it he just gets wound up... I just want him to be able to understand a bit more about how my head works I guess
Thanks

Former Member

Hey

Heyy,

Here some useful websites u can try

Samaritans

www.samaritans.org

Get connected

www.getconnected.org.uk

Relate

http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

Papyrus

www.papyrus-uk.org

Kooth

www.kooth.com

Let us know how u get on

Best Wishes
Heather xx

*hug*:thumb::)

Former Member

I'm not being funny but you post the same website links to everyone no matter what their problem. How will the samaritans help my boyfriend?! They wont. They don't give advice! They just listen! He's not suicidal. He's not mentally ill. He just needs help understanding mental illness... and the sams will NOT help that.
Rant over/

Former Member

Hiya

Not all of this will be directly relevant, but I was talking to a mate about dealing with her family the other day and found these:

Supporting someone with mh difficulties (BBC)

How to cope as a carer (Mind) - off-putting title, but some excellent advice

I also found this website, mypartnerisdepressed.com, which seems to have a lot of really useful stuff.

Patient.co.uk is where most of the fact sheets given out by GPs are collected. It has some good, straightforward info on what depression is.

I get that you might not want to burden him with information but you can familiarise yourself with the content and keep it up your sleeve. I would also recommend Mind's infoline: 0300 123 3393. It's for anyone who needs info about mental health difficulties and I've heard good things about the advice they give partners and family. Heather already mentioned Relate, but if your relationship is being adversely affected by your difficulties they might be able to help.

From my own perspective, both my most recent and current girlfriends have suffered with depression and everyone I've ever dated has had to deal with my depression/anxiety/borderline/whatever. I've found that the best thing you can do is be completely honest. He. can't 'fix' you, and it's not just about making you laugh or taking your mind off things. You're not well and sometimes you'll need a bit of TLC. Just like when he gets man-flu! He's not a doctor, or a professional, his role in this is to learn about it, watch for warning signs (if he wants to get that involved) and give you cuddles and love and support

Former Member

Thank you I'll have a flick through them all this weekend. I'm not sure what day he's back from Bristol but I need to have a serious chat with him when he is back.. I'm just quite worried about what he'll say in response

Former Member

I found the Mind helpline really helpful when I was ringing about my ex boyfriend who was suffering from mental health difficulties. It felt weird initially, ringing about another person but they were very supportive.

Former Member

My advice to your boyfriend - it's difficult, there will be times he'll feel that you couldn't care less about him, and he'll feel you are using him. It'll be like this for a long time, but sometimes, he'll see the real you, and those times will make everything worth it.

Former Member

Thanks everyone

He phoned me today, he got beaten up last night so I don't think we'll be having our serious chat for a while... it'll be me cleaning up his face for a while bless him So worried about him at the moment, he's staying with his sister but it's just not safe at all. The house is full of drug addicts (including his sister) and he doesn't even have a bed to sleep in.

Former Member

Is him going out and getting beaten up and then dossing in a drug den a common occurence? If it is, I think you're the one being patient.

Either way, someone who doesn't want to put up with your shit is the one with the problem, not you. If he loved you (I mean really loved you) he will make an effort and stick with you through it all.
I think at the same time (tell me if I'm being out of line) I think he needs to know if there is another side to this or a light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't know how your depression manifests itself around him. If it's constant and if he feels the bad times are outweighing the good I can imagine he is probably feeling quite helpless. Is there anything you can be doing to try and tip the balance the other way? Again, pull me up on this if I'm saying anything out of line and I'll apologise in advance if I've offended you. This isn't a topic I'm particularly au-fait with, I just have a bit of an idea about how a man's mind works

Former Member

I'm generally pretty happy around him... he makes me very happy.
But it doesn't matter any more, because it's over now. I ruined it last night. He was supposed to come home Sunday morning... never showed up, I was waiting round all day... he phoned me last night to say he wont be back for the rest of the week.
I got very upset, had a go at his sister, and now he's left me.
Absolutely devastated. We'd been together nearly a year... and I just went and fucked it up in a second.

Former Member

It seems like you're taking all the responsibilty on yourself b-a for 'fucking things up' but don't forget relationships should be two way, you should both be pulling in the same direction and working as a team.

You're entitled to be upset if he's being uncommunicative and if his response is to leave you then that's equally a very reactive rather than thoughtful response, which may have occurred in the heat of the moment? Waiting around for someone to get in touch and feeling like things are on their terms isn't how a relationship should feel so it sounds as though this certainly isn't all your fault..

I'd suggest giving it some time for things to cool down and give yourselves some space, when you feel ready hopefully you can both talk calmly about how you feel and what you really want.

Big hugs, keep yourself busy and keep talking *hug*

Former Member

Firstly, don't beat up on yourself. It sounds like you've largely been reasonable, if a little overly emotional at times.

I'm ASSuming he's around the same age as you are, which from what I recall is about fourteen.

What you need keep in mind - and from what I can tell you seem to have a handle on - is that depression doesn't just affect the person suffering from it. And as it can be a rather self-involved affliction, extra effort needs to be expended if you want to be mindful others around you. I don't mean that in a pejorative fashion, just that in my experiences people suffering from depression spend a lot of time concentrating on themselves. But as you seem to be pretty outward looking I'll only say 'well done' and 'keep it up'.

Now, on to him. A problem with teenage lads is that they've been dealt a double scoop of shitty circumstance: they're coursing with testosterone (a horribly creepy and debilitating hormone) and the status quo demands a certain level of machismo from them. I'm not excusing him if he's being a dick, because there's no excusing that, but it generally means that you're probably have to tackle him with a level or sensitivity that's above reasonable if you want to get through to him - that's if you feel he's worth getting through to. I've not met a young lad who'd rather - and often will - avoid a problem rather than deal with it. I, at thirty-years-old, will occasionally be caught doing the same. If once the dust has settled you want to give it another shot with him, but still need him to understand where you're coming from, I suspect you'll need to do it calmly with a a lid on the levels of gravitas.

Best of luck!

Former Member

Thanks Jo
And CptCoatHanger, I'm 15, he's 18 this month... so really I feel he should be a bit more mature, but you know...

I try really hard not to be selfish with my depression, there are some days where I don't want to go outside etc. but I've always offered to if he wanted to, but normally he'd just say "it's fine" and then be in a mood all day.

I've tried to call him once today, and his phone was off, so I'm just going to leave it. I've texted his sister (not sure if it's still her number though) to apologize to her... proper apology as well, an 8 page text so I hope she gets it! I've spoken to his mum today as well to tell her what's going on with me (I'm quite close to her) and she says if she hears from him she'll pass my message on.

I love him with all my heart, and I know I'm young and everything, but up until a month or two ago everything was honestly perfect. We'd spoken about living together etc. and I never thought it'd last forever (I've learnt from past experiences!) but I thought it'd last longer than this

From a man's point of view, how long do you reckon he'll need space for before it'll be worth trying to have a chat with him about the relationship? He's not the type to contact me when he's ready, he'll just ignore me entirely until I get in touch with him. But how long should I leave it? Thanks

Former Member

I'd leave things as they are for a while. You've left messages with appropriate people so it seems fairly safe to presume they'll be passed on. If I were you I'd give it a week or so and then make another, single attempt at communication. That should have given him enough space to breathe a bit. If he's still unresponsive then I'd start to reassess whether someone who's that emotionally switched off is someone you want to be with anyway - to a large extent I appreciate all boys are somewhat emotionally retarded, but continued silence would indicate he's a noteworthy case.

Former Member

Just for anyone who's interested, we're in the process of working it out! We had a very long chat a few days ago, face to face which helped because he couldn't hang up :rolleyes: and he's agreed to give me another chance.
I *think* (touch wood!) it might actually be okay, since I've started therapy and gone back on meds I'm a lot calmer which helps matters a lot.

Thank you for all your excellent advice