Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨

Does nothing for me

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

this is probably a really really stupid problem but I just don't enjoy sex. For me it's always been awkward and horribly embarrassing from the first time. I have sometimes experienced "wanting" sex but really I'm sure it's just hard to shake all the daft fantasies I was fed as a kid. Is it just me and what can I do to be normal?


  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

    The best way to approach this problem is likely to be to see a counsellor who specialises in psychosexual issues.

    Presumably, you have a partner who you want to have sex (make love) with?

    Having sex can be a mechanical act, or it can be an emotional experience that involves opening yourself up and letting another person in (emotionally).

    If you are feeling self-conscious and awkward, then it sounds as if you are not fully involved in the experience, i.e. you’re not opening yourself up and letting go, and so you don’t become “lost” in the experience, which is usually the state that precipitates orgasm.

    Are you comfortable with bringing yourself to orgasm – i.e. without anyone else present?

    If not, maybe that could be a starting point. But if that’s not possible, then I suggest an assessment with a psychosexual counsellor. Relate have such counsellors, or your GP should be able to put you in touch with one.

    Take care.

    Jed :wave:
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi cheers for the reply

    I actually contacted a sex counsellor, or rather had one contacted for me but then moved area and they didn't keep up with my new address. It's kinda difficult to see someone in the first place since in person I'm hellishly shy. I tend to clam up because in my head I've always thought "nice girls don't talk about that" since that's how I was brought up. This and the fact that I had a pretty bad encounter with one guy a year or so ago (kinda didn't take no for an answer) makes me feel really embarrassed.
    I don't have much money so I can't really afford to go for a private service, is there anyone I could get in contact with directly in the NHS or is the only option to go private?

    Sorry for the rambleyness of this post :S
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I notice that on another thread you say that you have been diagnosed with depression, and I recommend that you get that sorted first.

    One of the core symptoms of depression is lowering of self-esteem, which is an important issue in sex.

    You seem to suffer with invasive critical self-talk - viewing yourself as: " looking daft", etc.

    I recommend the book on Mindfulness, as mentioned on that other thread. Apart from explaining the relaxation techniques discussed, it also explains how low-level negative self-talk can be dealt with. Being self-critical in almost any situation suggests that you are dividing your attention between the task in hand and your self image - learning to relax will help you to focus and 'be present', whatever the task or activity might be.

    It may be that low self-esteem has predisposed you to depression, and that being depressed has lowered your sense of esteem even further?

    If you get some cognitive therapy as treatment for your depression, then it might be that the resulting change in your thinking and self-image could see the issue with sex resolved at the same time.

    CBT is available on the NHS, although there will probably be a waiting list. But then you could make a start now with the Mindfulness book.

  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi UnsafetyDancer :wave:

    There is no such rule as to what is normal - how you feel and what you want truly depends on the individual :). Perhaps this is something to discuss with whoever you are seeing at the time, and what they want out of a relationship.

    However it seems like the issue you are facing about not enjoying sex may stem from other factors that might need exploring. The bad experience you went through in the past with that man, as well as the way you were brought up could affect the way you see sex now - and even perhaps your self esteem.

    Jedimaster makes a few good points as well. Perhaps the best route now is to see your GP and asked to be referred to a therapist for free. If you feel you are too shy at the moment, why not contact an anonymous helpline? While you wait for a referral you could see how you feel talking on the phone to people who listen and can help. Have a look at samaritans and getconnected.

    Good luck, Do let us know how you get on *hug*
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you enjoy doing sexual stuff solo?

    You talk about daft fantasies, we all have them! Yes society does feed us the fairy-tale romance as a kid (which never happens quite like that, even in the most romantic of romantic real life moments), but that doesn't mean you have to chuck the whole idea out wholesale.

    I don't know many people who have had good experiences first time, jeez I know mine wasn't something I particularly want to remember! But its not like that everytime, it takes practice and patience and being able to relax and feeling good about the person you're with really helps.

    Psychosexual counselling may help but just taking it slowly and letting the person you're with know your anxieties might help too!
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think with pretty much every do not want, this is self-regulating. I don't like raisins, so I don't eat them, and don't have any problem with it. If you don't like sex, don't have sex. Once the urge to have sex becomes big enough, you suddenly do want sex, and if you don't, well you don't and you don't need to have it.
Sign In or Register to comment.