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Breaking up is hard to do :/ Can anyone relate to this?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
We've known each other for years, and he's always had a crush on me.
I didn't know about it til recently. He admitted it to me and I admitted that I sort of had one on him as well. He has a girlfriend, but she lives internationally, and they've only seen each other a few times in the 3 years they've been together. I know it was wrong of me to do this, but I decided to get involved with him anyway. I didn't want to be in a serious relationship with anyone, but we both wanted to be together. We shared the common goal that eventually, we wanted a relationship once I wanted to settle and once he figured out what he was gonna do about his long-distance love. I know it sounds stupid.

At first it was all fun and games, but quickly things started to get serious on my end. I started feeling jealous of his girlfriend. I started realizing that this guy is my soul mate, my everything, the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I wanted a relationship with him sooner than I thought. Shortly after, he told me that he has equally strong feelings for both me and his girlfriend, but he is choosing to stay with her in the long run (no relationship with me.) He said they have similar goals: She's moving here with him by the end of this year and my dream is to be in New York. He said he wants to give her a chance, since they've been together so long but have never been together. He said it wouldn't be fair.

I am dying inside. It hurts SO much. I've never felt this way about another person. I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy. He DOES have feelings for me, but he chose his girlfriend? I'm SO confused, and so torn apart by this. I would do literally anything to be with him. Idk what happened, but he definitely stole my heart. I know it's wrong of me to come in someone's relationship and expect to be able to break it up. I know he is HER man, and she had him first. It just sucks. The whole thing just sucks. I want him SO bad.

Idk what I'm really looking for here. Advice? Someone to listen? Someone that can relate? Anything at this point will do. I'm desperate and brokenhearted. Haven't been able to eat in days :(

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know. I'd rather have a couple small wonders than passing them up, waiting for the big one. Then again, I am not a fan of long distance shizzle. I've had them, they either sucked or didn't work out anyway, so never again. If he is happy here with you, he should be with you and not with an girlfriend he's seen a couple of times, when there is no telling that it will actually work out. If I was him, I'd break up with his LDR girl and be with you, and maybe he needs just a bit of convincing and reassuring.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah you got involved but he was the one in a relationship.

    Maybe he likes her more, feels guilty. Who knows. Please please please, try and walk away from this guy. He's lied & cheated, would you want a man like that?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Even if they've been together for three years? I'm trying to justify that he made the right decision, Idk :/

    Plus I'm leaving to NY soon for school, and he doesn't want to be in NY.
    ALTHOUGH, I think he changed his mind of NY because of his gf, and not because he actually doesn't want to be there. I remember a time where all he would talk about is living in NYC.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Please please please, try and walk away from this guy. He's lied & cheated, would you want a man like that?

    You are right. But he is a really good guy... I don't think he would have cheated if he had a physical relationship with her. For the past three years that he's been with her, he hasn't been physical with anyone except for the few times he's seen her. Lovers need to be with each other physically, Idk... :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Carmex10 wrote: »
    You are right. But he is a really good guy... I don't think he would have cheated if he had a physical relationship with her. For the past three years that he's been with her, he hasn't been physical with anyone except for the few times he's seen her. Lovers need to be with each other physically, Idk... :(

    Define good guy?

    Then ask yourself why her and not you?

    It's hard not to take it personally when someone chooses someone else over us but for whatever reason that's exactly what he has done.

    If makes you feel any better I knew two guys, one was with a gf (not for long) that he said he didnt like but it was saving him rent. Another had just signed a 6month rental agreement so he would be with her for at least 6 months..he was checking with his buddy that he still had all his old female friends numbers on his phone so the gf wouldnt find them.

    Neither are actions of good guys.

    People are not always making decisions based on who they best click with. I've been through something similar so I'm not just giving you some 'in theory' relationship b.s

    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    stogie wrote: »

    Then ask yourself why her and not you?


    x

    Because she is so far away that they can't see each other, and apparently seen each other just a couple of times anyway? This constitutes not for a relationship to me. With the OP he could have a actual existent relationship.

    To the OP: Granted, the way you went on about this was unwise. I would have taken things more slowly and let him realize he wants you more than his girlfriend and leave her for you. You already gave him everything he could ask for, sans responsibilities, while he could still be emotionally attached to his girlfriend. All I can advise you is to refrain from seeing him and let him realize what he is missing. Otherwise I don't see much you can do.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    stogie wrote: »
    People are not always making decisions based on who they best click with.
    x

    According to him, he clicks equally well with both of us, but he is chosing her because by December she is coming here and they are going to live together somewhere else. He says he doesn't want to be in NYC (which I don't fully believe, even if he does believe that) so he is chosing her because their goals are similar and "realistically" it would make better sense.

    WHICH, I do understand the logic... but I still think he should leave her and be with me :P
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    You already gave him everything he could ask for, sans responsibilities, while he could still be emotionally attached to his girlfriend.

    Opened up my eyes. You are sooo right about this. When the whole thing started, I didn't really take it too seriously and therefore wasn't really trying to get him to leave his gf for me. I guess I just assumed that he eventually would when we were ready to be together. I wasn't aware I was going to end up in some competition to win him over, and I definitely wasn't aware that I would lose.

    I should have taken things slower and made him have to leave her in order to hold me, kiss me, etc. It's too late and I can't take that back, but I still have hope. I haven't talked to him since the day after the break up, so it's been about four days. I planned on not talking to him for a while so that I could give him time to miss me, and then casually come back into his life as just a friend. I know being "just friends" with me is gonna be hard for him, knowing what it's like to be more intimate with me.
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