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Loss of a Parent

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I know that there are people much worse off than me and you shouldn't waste time reading this but I just needed the opportunity to vent how I feel.

My dad passed away four weeks ago after he made the decision to take his own life.

I am really struggling with coping with everyone else's feelings on top of mine but that's my fault for trying to be the one whose strong for everyone else and I have now put myself in a situation where I do not feel comfortable expressing how I really feel with my family/friends.

I hate the rollercoaster of emotions that I seem to be feeling so I have been avoiding them but it makes me snap at people and become angry with them when it's not their fault.

People have suggested counselling but at the moment I don't know if I have the strength to sit and discuss what happened and how it makes me feel.

The hardest part for me at the moment is the constant battle I have with myself. Everytime the phone rings or I hear a car I think he's calling from work/coming home from work but then I have to remind myself that he isn't and never will. I'm not in denial...I tell myself everyday it's real and happening to me but it's like my mind won't accept it.

Sorry for the massively long post and vent...I know their are people worse off than me.


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First things first - you need to try and stop putting yourself down and saying that there are people worse off than you. You are the only one of you who has lost your dad. This means your the person in that position it is hardest to, and no one else can truly understand where you're coming from.

    By the sounds of it, you deal with things a bit like I do - by putting on the strong shell and trying to carrying things on and keep everything ticking over as it should. I do it because to me it's the easiest way to deal with anything. Much easier than letting everything fall apart. I'm not saying it's a good thing, and I'm not saying it's a bad thing but it is sodding hard work. It's also self perpetuating because once you've started it, the pressure is somehow on from somewhere in your head to keep it up.

    My uncle died a while ago, relatively young and his lifestyle was a significant contributor. I was the strong one for a long time, I looked after my mum, my grandparents, his family, kept turning up to work, kept up everything else and answered the 'are you ok' questions with vague answers. And as long as I kept going on the outside I was ok, and I stayed reasonably ok because I kept myself very busy.

    In the end, it helped me a lot to be able to drop my guard and talk to someone. I didn't have counselling, but I had older friends from a different part of my life - and got slightly bullied into talking to one of them a bit and it helped a lot. Didn't necessarily talk about him, more how I was tired, how I was fed up of feeling all over the place, tired of family politics and tired of having an endless list of things that needed to be done, and tired of being the responsible/grown up/caring one to everyone else.

    Much as it's a repetitive saying, sharing/ranting/offloading can really help. Counselling could be a good way to go, especially through something like Cruise bereavement services. It can give you the chance to not be the strong one for a moment. And to get something out of it, you don't have to be ready to sit down and talk about what actually happened. You might gain a lot by sitting down and talking about the here and now, the time it takes to get used to not listening out for the car coming down the drive etc.

    Well done for posting though, and huge hugs.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for your reply...I'm sorry to hear about your Uncle.
    I did carry on working for a while but then my Grandad died three days after my dads funeral so after then having to go to his funeral and then my dads inquest eventually I gave in and have taken a couple of weeks out. This leaves me in a position where I now think about it though but because I am surrounded by family and friends I am trying to supress how I really feel.
    The feelings of anger and guilt are sometimes so overwhelming that I feel I don't know how to cope and that I want it to end (I don't mean that in a suicidal sense)...just for someone to tell me that it's all been a bad dream and everything will go back to normal now.
    I never thought of counselling in that sense...do you know if Cruse offer a confidential email service? I know I can't hide behind a keyboard forever but it allows me to be a bit more open and express how I really feel without feeling ashamed/embarrassed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's no 'hiding' about using a keyboard. I'm not sure whether there's an email service as such - there's an email address [email protected] , but there's lots of info on their website. http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/ . There's a daytime phoneline 0844 4779400. I don't know how old you are, but there's a special website aimed at young people from Cruse http://www.rd4u.org.uk . I've had a quick look and also not entirely clear on what they class at 'young' either but maybe worth a look. That has a messaging service.

    Taking a couple of weeks out sounds like a good plan, not that it will necessarily be easier than working, but will probably be of more use to you in untangling what's going on in your mind. I know you know this really, but there's nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about. It's hard to believe at times, but it's definitely true. I don't know whether it's one of the things thats holding you back from being more open, but it's perfectly possible to get some counselling type input without needing to discuss the cause of death 'died unexpectedly' is all it really takes.

    I won't tell you for a moment that time will heal, and I won't tell you it will stop hurting, those are cliches that I quite frankly don't believe a word of. What time will do however is help with the balance. Time will help you remember all the good things about your dad and help you get to a point when you can remember things fondly and it will sometimes make you smile rather than always being a sad moment. Time will never take away the pain though, and quite rightly, because I'll guess that you never want to stop missing him completely. Talking and sharing also helps. It doesn't magically solve things, but articulating what yuo're thinking and feeling can help your mind sometimes. When you explain things to someone else, it helps get things slightly clearer in your own head. Be that on paper, on messaging, on a message board (this one or else where ) to friends, to a helpline, or to a counsellor. I remember one time I was struggling, I realised that some of the biggest 'issues' in my life at that moment in time were:
    1. My phone was never fully charged and I was always trying to conserve battery. That niggled at the back of my mind.
    2. I'd hardly eaten anything that wasn't lasagne or chocolate cake for a fortnight.
    3. I hadn't had a really long steaming shower for at least a fortnight.
    Everything was rushed, and spent so long looking after others than looking after me kept sliding down the list. Put those down on here to someone else, and they're easy fixed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for the information...I will have a look on the site and see what they offer.
    I'm not ashamed/embarrassed about how he died but how I have reacted. I'm normally able to cope under pressure and have always been the one that can work through a problem by myself...This is just too hard and by not telling someone how I feel, everything feels really overwhelming. I know this sounds mad but I tend to have suicidal thoughts when I feel really overwhelmed but I still can think clearly enough to know I won't do anything...it's almost like that's a way out but I also know there are probably other ways out that I just haven't tried but posting on here helps in some respects.
    I feel like when I write on here though, its just random and not in a logical order and that I'm just venting about whatever has annoyed me at the timr but that's how my current frame of mind is.
    What really frustrates me is that my friends and family don't understand how I feel...friends in particular as they havent been in this situation or one like it. This makes me feel like I'm burdening them and that makes me feel worse.
    The hardest thing is that I don't feel like I've lost one parent, I feel like I've lost my mum as well because it's me and my sister that's looking after her. She uses me as a sounding board but I get angry with her because I can't cope with her feelings on top of my own. She also refuses to see her friends because she can't face it when in reality I know it would do her good to get out and do something "normal".
    Thank you for not telling me that time will make it alright again...It's all everyone keeps telling me and that it will get easier...I know it will but that's not yet and what I need at the current time is for them to realise that I'm at the lowest I've ever been and finding it a real struggle...it's funny how you understand it yet people who know me in person don't get it.
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