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Stuck in a dark hole.. :/

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all, im 21 and i have recently got into a new relationship with this girl, and i really like her. Already.
When im not with her, or not talking to her i feel as if she doesnt feel the same way about me. I always feel that im doing something wrong and shes going off me?
Im quite affectionate and give my everything but i dont want to scare her away by being too forward or anything, its just im a loving guy.. so i keep the fact that i feel sad when i dont hear from her a secret. I find myself constantly checking my phone, facebook etc to see if shes text.. Also the majority of her friends are male. I know she isnt the cheating type but its the guys that i dont trust. I just need someone to talk to to get this off my mind and stop worrying for no reason.
Ive told myself numerous times to stop being an idiot and play it smoooth, but i cant help these thoughts coming into my head!:banghead: HELP :/

Thanks for reading! :wave:


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    Annaarrr!!Annaarrr!! Posts: 876 Part of The Mix Family
    you need to trust her, you said yourself that shes not the cheating type. feeling that youre not trusted in a relationship hurts like fuck
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the comment

    I do trust her.. And i cant understand why i feel inadequate or that im not doing something right. I dont want to feel this way.. But something in my mind just over works and starts putting things together and making me think things.
    I need advice on how to just chill myself out and get on with it.. And to stop these stupid feelings i get.. :/ i spose im scared that im not good enough for her and that she will find someone better than me when she seems distant.
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    *Holly**Holly* Deactivated Posts: 140 Helping Hand
    Hey there jaybles

    Wow - it sounds like you've fallen hard for this girl :heart::yippe: Is this the first time you've felt this strongly for someone?

    The good news is - everything you're experiencing is totally normal. When you meet someone you really really like, and you get together, all sorts of hormones start charging round your body and these probably account for some/most of what you're going through.

    This BBC article explains it pretty well. Look out for where it says "events occurring when we're in love have similarities to mental illness." That's how potent these falling-for-someone chemicals can be.

    The Science of Love

    So, if you're not usually like this then it's worth reminding yourself that it's down to a lot of powerful hormones. Also, if you've never had these feelings before they can seem even more overwhelming. You say "I don't want to feel this way" but is there any reason for you to worry she doesn't return your affection? Remember it's her choice to go out with you - which she's doing out of her own free will - and she might also be secretly harbouring the same insecurities. Yes these feelings and thoughts are overwhelming, but I suggest you try and enjoy them a bit too :)

    In the meantime, it sounds like you want a few coping strategies to stop your brain misbehaving. If you're still in the early phases of the relationship, your instinct to not come on too strongly is probably right. So try keeping super busy to keep your mind occupied. Do you have any hobbies? Could you meet up with any friends? Throw yourself into work/study? And if you get any more un-helpful thoughts, remind yourself that it's just your body misbehaving cause it's so overrun with chemicals:love:, and bring yourself back to the present moment.

    How does that sounds? Feel free to let us know how you get on.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Holly

    Thank you for the great response! :)

    To put it short, yes i have fallen for this girl pretty hard! I think that is why i'm so desperate to make sure that im everything she needs and keep pulling myself up on things. Always thinking that im not good enough. Am i just being an idiot?
    I know in my heart if i dont have the confidence in myself then that would be offputting, always doubting things. I have tried to be less forward, and she does make some effort to show affection.. so i might be making some sort of headway!

    On the point of feeling like this before? I came out of a 4 year relationship about 4 months ago, and this is the first time since then that ive felt anything for another girl. The difference with the previous relationship, was that was a really affectionate relationship from the start, which is why i doubt myself with this new one i think.

    Another point which really doesnt help :/ is the fact that she gets ALOT of male attention.. text wise and social networking etc.. And while she's with me she has no problem constantly replying etc. While i sit there feeling abit... mehh.. lol.
    Being a lad myself, i know what happens when we constantly text girls.. Sounding innocent.. but i think we all know the majority of males mean. haha.

    In all fairness, i think i could be blase to all of it, but im just worried that if i dont show enough effort, she'll maybe think i dont care? Argghhh :banghead: lol..
    i feel as if i have some mental ilness.. :/ lol.. Hormones are difficult -_- lol.
    Any tips on how to not be too forward as to scare her off or not caring enough so she gets the wrong idea??

    Thanks :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jaybles wrote: »
    stop being an idiot and play it smoooth

    There's your answer.

    I've seen countless guys do this sort of stuff, it can only work if the intensity is reciprocated, otherwise you'll only hasten getting dumped by the wayside. I can guarantee this with 100% certainty and you obv know that too - so ultimately its up to you to control yourself or the inevitable happens.
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    *Holly**Holly* Deactivated Posts: 140 Helping Hand
    Hi there again jaybles :wave:

    Any tips on how to not be too forward as to scare her off or not caring enough so she gets the wrong idea??

    Have you thought about just being yourself? Rather than second-guessing what this girl wants all the time?

    You say you've just come out of a four year relationship quite recently. And I think this could also be contributing to your angst. Breakups - no matter how amicable - can really smash your self-confidence. You say it was a very affectionate relationship, and you've had the security of that for four years. It's therefore understandable that you're trying to seek a replacement to this somewhere else. Do you think that might be it?

    We have an article here on rebounds which you might find useful. I'm not suggesting how you feel about this girl isn't real, or that the relationship is only a rebound, but it's got some helpful stuff in there about what you might feel like when you just come out of one relationship and get into another quite quickly. There's sometimes some leftover baggage that needs a bit of working through.

    Your fellow board users are probably right that you shouldn't try and smother this girl too much. She may well be feeling the same way - but if it's early days it's sometimes best to take it slowly. I wouldn't necesarily take her occasional lack of affection for a lack of interest. Just perhaps you're comparing her to your previous GF - which is utterly natural considering you've broken up so recently. But, try to remember, everyone's different, this is a different relationship, and people show affection and love in different ways.

    As I said in my previous response, I think keeping busy is the answer so you don't have so much time to ruminate. From posts of yours I've seen on the other boards, it sounds like you have a lot going for you and a good challenging job. Remember that when you're having crisis of confidence - and work on loving yourself a but more and healing the bruises of your past relationship - rather than focusing all your energy on getting this girl to love you.

    Hope that helps and, again, feel free to keep posting. :)

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