Really low

Former Member

:wave:

I really don't know what's happened. I feel so bad.

In theory I have so many people around me to support me, but in practice I feel so so alone.

My friends have got sick of me. Nobody wants to spend time with me, I don't get asked along to things, and when I come up with something to do people make excuses not to come along.

I don't want to put any more pressure on my boyfriend, he has his own problems and has already gone to bed for the night because he feels so bad. And I'm also being selfish - I know the more pressure I put on him, the more likely he is to give up and walk away.

Things were going well. I was doing OK at uni, attending my sessions and coming off my medication had made me feel a lot better. My boyfriend and I had just passed the 6 months mark (although on and off) and I felt positive about the future, in most areas of my life.

I just can't feel that anymore, and I don't know why the sudden change. I had a psych appt yesterday, and it went OK really. I'm terrified about therapy - he has recommended me a therapist but has warned it is going to be a challenge and maybe a long slog. I also feel so guilty for making my parents pay - I'm not really sure if they can even afford it.

I hurt myself for the first time in weeks this morning and stuff is falling apart. I haven't done anything today, and I feel like I'm going mad. I'm so desperate to feel better. I want to give up :crying: I also know that this has happened too many times for people to give a damn, and that because maybe despite feeling suicidal, I haven't attempted it before, means people don't think I have the balls to do anything.

I don't care if things "will be OK". I can't cope now. And I don't want to. Even though the good times do exist, they're not worth it. Nothing makes feeling like this OK.

Former Member

I don't know what to say to you to make you feel better. All I can offer you is *hugs* *hug* and understanding.

I know what you mean about feeling guilty about parents paying for treatment, I'm waiting for more NHS treatment but going private in the mean time and my parents going to pay and it is so expensive. But try to remember that they love you and therefore they don't mind paying even if it means them making sacrifices as you are so important to them. My parents paid for my step-brother to have drug rehab years ago and that was thousands as it was a priory-type residential rehab and my parents say it is the best money they have ever spend as they feel like they got their son back.

It feels awful when you self harm for the first time in a while but try not to beat yourself up about it, these things happen. People always say on here that it is great that you went for [x amount of time] without self harming and maybe next time you will go even longer without. Just because you self harmed now doesn't mean you have failed.

Try not to be terrified of therapy. It is hard work but worth it for the changes it brings about. You get out of it what you put in.Do you know what type of therapy you are going to have?

Former Member

Thanks *hug*

Things got a bit worse... I was sort of getting close to overdosing, and then I called him because deep down I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. He got upset, I then hated myself for ever thinking that it was OK to do it, and OK to put him through that. I really don't think I can do this to him much more

We did talk for quite a bit afterwards, and I'm going to try and come up with a sort of crisis plan. I already have a "box" of nice stuff, such as cards with stuff to do on, and a letter from him, and things that remind me of good things. It is still early progress - but I wanted to have something to go to when I'm just about to do the wrong thing, or act on impulse, to make me take time out to reconsider things. Soooo, I was planning on putting this plan inside my box. I don't really know what to put on it though, I was thinking of sort of numbers... like 1) have a shower, 2) check you're not tired, thirsty or hungry. I'm not sure and then have the number of the people I'm meant to call in a crisis... rather than rely on him. He still wants me to call him, but I don't think it is for the best, especially not after things have got to a certain level.

I get the impression that the waiting list here is massive. I need to check that I stay on the waiting list though.... Psych thinks I might be able to get some funding for a few sessions. I hate that its so expensive, if I have it once a week, it's gonna end up being like a third of my weekly expenses. Rent being one, and then living costs being less than one, one hour session My dad lost his job last year, and my parents have already had to pay a lot to come and stay with me at times. I don't know how much more they can sacrifice... But thanks, I guess what you said is true

I have no idea what therapy actually - I should have asked.

Thank you for all of your support RG

Former Member

yellowseahorse wrote: »

I don't care if things "will be OK". I can't cope now. And I don't want to. Even though the good times do exist, they're not worth it. Nothing makes feeling like this OK.

i know honey.
all i can say is, use the people around you, let them help you and support you. it's ok if you can't face trying to change right now, focus on holding on and waiting for this storm to pass. things won't always be this way.

Former Member

Thanks.

Stuff is a bit better now.

However private therapy is looking less likely.... and I found out today that it is a 2 year waiting list FML.