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Breaking up?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi folks,
I apologise in advance; this is a bit repetitive. I posted a while ago about what to do in my relationship. To summarise, it's been three years and we live together. We own stuff like furniture and have a joint tenancy. Problems:
I have this growing feeling of wanting independence; of feeling a little crushed by this relationship. I also have a massive crush on a woman at work (a new twist for me!) and feel that I might be encouraged to explore my sexual and relationship preferences.
I'm 24 - he's 27.
I just don't know how to take the step. He seems content; how can I be so unhappy with no inkling of him feeling any different? He will be so hurt; he'll convince me to stay. I thought I could wade it out until July 2012 when the tenancy runs about but the more it goes on (the bigger this crush gets) and the more I feel like I'm losing months of my life here.
I want to get my own place in the area; I could afford it although it'll be difficult with my chirpy pet bird (as some don't like pets) but still do-able even if I have to compromise (downgrade from 2 bed house to a flat I expect).
The thing is...how do I do it...and when? Our life just continues day in and day out. I'm scared to make the change and say that to him because it'll hurt him. I try to hint; "I don't want to buy a house", we argued the other day and I said I wanted to move out. He kicked over a table, threw the remote and stormed off. But our life is so ordinary that this will spectacularly know him for six. I'm tempted to even start it now - right this second.
Can anyone explain the tenancy things to me so I can start to build a plan of action?
My problem is this crush is also bothering me. I've never had such feelings for a woman before and I feel a little crushed at the idea that she might have someone (although I believe she might even be as far as engaged to her girlfriend). I am besotted; I just don't care about impressing my boyfriend now - I just want HER to notice me. I can't sleep for thinking about her so she's consuming all my thoughts. It makes me worry that if that passes I'll be left with the realisation that I've left the person I was 'securely' with.
Advice appreciated once again and apologies for going around in circles.
I apologise in advance; this is a bit repetitive. I posted a while ago about what to do in my relationship. To summarise, it's been three years and we live together. We own stuff like furniture and have a joint tenancy. Problems:
- No sex, well very little (once every 3-6 months)
- he wants to buy a house, I don't
- arguments
- him 'over-reacting' i.e. punching me in the arm when he doesn't get his way
- tantrums (his side)
- demanding over me saving money
- constantly on at me about my money (I get paid roughly £10,000 less than him
- he HATES my pet bird
- he doesn't do much domestically and makes a song and dance when he finally does something
- he spends most of his time upstairs playing championship manager and watching 24.
I have this growing feeling of wanting independence; of feeling a little crushed by this relationship. I also have a massive crush on a woman at work (a new twist for me!) and feel that I might be encouraged to explore my sexual and relationship preferences.
I'm 24 - he's 27.
I just don't know how to take the step. He seems content; how can I be so unhappy with no inkling of him feeling any different? He will be so hurt; he'll convince me to stay. I thought I could wade it out until July 2012 when the tenancy runs about but the more it goes on (the bigger this crush gets) and the more I feel like I'm losing months of my life here.
I want to get my own place in the area; I could afford it although it'll be difficult with my chirpy pet bird (as some don't like pets) but still do-able even if I have to compromise (downgrade from 2 bed house to a flat I expect).
The thing is...how do I do it...and when? Our life just continues day in and day out. I'm scared to make the change and say that to him because it'll hurt him. I try to hint; "I don't want to buy a house", we argued the other day and I said I wanted to move out. He kicked over a table, threw the remote and stormed off. But our life is so ordinary that this will spectacularly know him for six. I'm tempted to even start it now - right this second.
Can anyone explain the tenancy things to me so I can start to build a plan of action?
My problem is this crush is also bothering me. I've never had such feelings for a woman before and I feel a little crushed at the idea that she might have someone (although I believe she might even be as far as engaged to her girlfriend). I am besotted; I just don't care about impressing my boyfriend now - I just want HER to notice me. I can't sleep for thinking about her so she's consuming all my thoughts. It makes me worry that if that passes I'll be left with the realisation that I've left the person I was 'securely' with.
Advice appreciated once again and apologies for going around in circles.
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Comments
I tend to find (in the past) that when i am unhappy in a relationship i will become attracted to other men if they can give me/offer me something that i feel i'm not getting in my existing relationship. It flags up what is missing. For me it tends then to be a case of if i realise that im unhappy enough to be attracted to someone else then do i want to stay in the relationship? Some things you can work through and some things you can't, but it always means that things need to change in the case of both parties, not just one, coz i believe that if you aren't happy in the relationship it is because you are not getting something from the other person that you need to be happy.
When i've reflected back on it after either working on the relationship or ending it, it turns out that actually i wasn't that attracted to the person i thought i was, more what they represent that could meet my needs better than my exisitng partner and me exploring those feelings in a "safe" way knowing they wouldn't be acted on/reciporicated.
I would be cautious. If he can punch you in the arm when he doesn't get his own way i don't think he will draw the line at your arm if you drop a bomb on him like that. I would find somewhere to live on the quiet side. im not sure where you stand on the joing tenancy though, but if you have a look at the shelter website they might be able to help? *hug*
Firstly, I tried to have a look at your previous post about your relationship but there is a bit of a technical problem :banghead: and I can't see it right now, so I apologise now if there is anything you mentioned in your last posts that I don't know about.
Reading this post it sounds as though you have been unhappy in this relationship for a while now and you have posted about these feelings before. You have a list of reasons that may be causing affecting your relationship, and it sounds as though you have almost come to the decision that you don't want to be with your partner anymore but are scared to make the next step - talking this through with him.
Having a discussion with him about breaking up may feel daunting and that's understandable especially if you don't think he feels as if there are any problems or just isn't willing to admit there might be. Talking your feelings through is a great place to start, and it gives him the opportunity to say how he is feeling too. Have you thought about talking through the points you have told us here with him, as a starting point?
You don't necessarily have to say 'it's over' straight away. There is also the option to take a break for a while and see how you feel being apart. You might also find that when both given the opportunity to talk through your feelings you decide you want to give the relationship another go, with each of you taking the other's feelings and points into consideration.
You mentioned that you don't want to loose the person you are 'securely' with, but it's important to remember that there can be more to a relationship than security, and to think deeply about whether this is enough for you or not. You have been together for three years and have been living together, so the idea of being on your own can feel like a massively daunting prospect, but equally is completely normal and something many people overcome in time. Have you got any friends that you can speak to, or perhaps that you can stay with for a while if needs be? If you do decide to break up with him and consequently move out it's good to think about where you will go initially and who will be there for you.
You mentioned your tenancy and someone has asked a similar question to askTheSite ?the answer maybe useful to you. It all depends on the tenancy agreement you have, what your notice period is etc. If you want a more specific and personalised answer then you could askTheSite too and an expert advisor will give you an answer within 3 working days. Alternatively if you would like to talk it over with a trained advisor Shelter's advice line and website is a great place to try as Summer-Raindrops said.
As well as thinking about all this you are also consumed with thoughts of a woman at your work. A crush can leave you thinking about nothing else and can become quite addictive so I can understand why you feel 'besotted'. However, it might be a good idea to think your current relationship through first and decide what you want to do before you think about a new crush and begin to explore your sexuality.
Take care of yourself and remember to trust your persistent thoughts and feelings *hug*
Hope this helps,
LauraO
I'm going to look up any break 'clause' to see if we can come to an agreement to help me out of our tenancy agreement. I just don't want to be stuck here. I've spent every night alone whilst he plays his computer games and sits up stairs. I could sit in my own place alone if I want to be on my own that much!
I do realise the girl crush is just that - a crush filling the massive voids in my relationship. This is what I mean though; that I'll follow through with this and feel utterly alone once I realise what I've given up and what's not really there. But I would rather have my own place and space then stay and receive this feedback.
I was in work earlier and walked in to being talked about by the ladies in my office saying they've noticed I'm rundown, unhappy and (currently) ill. I know my relationship is affecting my mentality - I feel 16 again - under-eating, over-exercising and the insomnia stuck in a relationship that's not working. I've just never had so much to tie me down to one place and person before. I'm adamant I need to do something but I feel like I'm all talk.
Any relationship that makes you as unhappy as this makes you really isn't right for you. The fact that it has driven you back to your 16 year old self says to me that you deserve alot better than you are getting.
You are young, gorgeous and lovely. You can do better than what you currently have.
If it makes you feel any better Im going through the same thing. Other than Im the boyfriend.
My girlfriend told me about 3 weeks ago that she has met another guy and wanted to talk about our relationship because she wasn't happy, and in truth neither was I, we had got into a routine of me working on my computer and her working upstairs (she's training to be a teacher).
Im a carpenter by trade and Im trying to set up a second business in construction. All my time and money over the last 6 months has gone into trying to make my business work, at the detriment of our relationship.
When we met I was renting my own flat so she started living with me pretty much from the start, we lived together great. I paid for rent and bills and she would chip in for food, she wasn't getting paid very well so I took care of most things, I also cooked because she can't and I quite like to.
After about a year of living together I was finding it difficult to pay all the bills and rent. I wanted to start my own business so we decided to move home with our parents to free up some money for me, and her.
She would moan at me because I didn't have enough cash to put electric on the meter, so we used to snuggle up on the sofa with a blanket. she says now that she misses those times because it was just me and her. We we're skint but happy!
When we moved home I'd go round hers for two days of the week and she would come round my parents for two days plus the weekend.
The problem was this killed our sex lives, it was like being 17 again trying to sneak about and not wake people up, it's been really difficult.
So a year and a bit later we're still at home I'm almost ready to launch my business and she's got about 9 months before she's qualified as a teacher.
Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, she's out meeting new people and probably feels bored at home she's really stressed out because the work load is large and she's finding it difficult.
I try to help her though. Im not stupid and love to learn new stuff, I spent all of last weekend with her doing essays and reading teaching journals, I get the work that she has to do, so she has a sounding bored. I've been reading lots of stuff and bringing forward useful stuff for her to use. We make a pretty good team and still get on great.
Im hoping we still have that sexual spark, I feel it sometimes but not others its weird.
Also She didn't cheat on me, just went a little over the line with the flirting, they ended up on a bed hugging but she pushed him away when he tried to kiss her.
She thought I'd go nuts when she told me, I was pretty calm though. We said at the start of the relationship that we would talk to each other if we felt like that, and we would never cheat. So I respect her for having the balls to talk to me.
I would like to point out that I'm not totally at fault, I would try to show her attention and affection and get rebuffed. After getting rejected for months on end I stopped.
She said she was always tired when I tried to initiate sex or she didn't feel like it.
We have been together for about 3 and a half years now by the way.
My point is don't underestimate the power of talking, Im not very good with emotions and stuff so I tend to ignore things.
My girlfriend sat me down and we talked like adults, it makes a huge difference being in a relationship where your not scared to bring up whats bothering you.
We're still working through things. We both want to make our relationship work its probably 50/50 at the minute.
I've never been over protective but I get a bit worried when she stays out now, because she has to drive to see her teacher friends. If she wants to drink she has to stay the night, it would be too expensive to get a taxi back. Im not sure if Im over reacting because, I want her to see her teacher mates and have friends but I know that she will also see the other guy.
If Im only getting her when she's working or tired and her teacher friends get her when she's at uni or the weekends happy, is that fair on me?
Im prob being neurotic which is a new experience to me, I've never really been the jealous kind but I think I might be now!
By her talking to me and bringing up the things thats she's not happy with, and almost losing her I've come to realise what an idiot I was. I was too busying emailing people and not giving my relationship the attention it needs.
If you can catch the problems early before you start to resent your partner it can be possible to mend a relationship. Im not sure if we caught ours in time, only time will tell. From reading your post it might be too late, it sounds like your ready to jump ship.
If he's ignoring you and wont sit down to have an adult conversation, what does he expect of you, but to leave him. no one is an island.
If you want to talk you can pm me, I probably have a good insight into how your feeling and what your boyfriend is thinking.
It also looks like we deal with stress the same way, Im a stone lighter and pretty awesome with a skipping rope now!
Thanks for the wonderful responses; gave me a lot to chew on. We had another argument last week; again over watching dvds via my laptop!!!! He kicked the table (again) starting screaming and shouting and stormed up stairs than emailed me a 1 line apology for his behaviour. We had an email chat (dear lord it sounds even worse typed down) where I told him he frightened me with his behaviour and that I was looking for somewhere else to live. After back and forthing (I have an answer for everything is apparently the root of his issues) he said that maybe I deserve someone else because he doesn't know how else to react when I have an answer for everything he says.
Since then he's been trying hard. Lots of 'love you's', kisses, efforts to come downstairs - I've tried to compromise too (at the sacrifice of doing work in the evenings which isn't so great) and he's even suggested purchasing himself a laptop so he will spend more time downstairs. It makes me feel like our existence is incredibly dull when it's dictated by a laptop (she's says...tapping away...!!!)
Still looking for places to live and realising I may have to go somewhere away from my current area as it is expensive on my own. I have to go into a flat with the chirpers most likely in order to stay local (I really love it here).
It's a lot to consider and the better behaved he is the harder it gets although I know I'm getting colder and less personal. That it's not the same any more and something's changed. We last had sex at the end of July/start of August; I'm getting feistier about being touched because he just seems to grab at me instead of cuddling, caressing or trying to be romantic. I just can't be bothered. But I don't know where to start with anything.
Can't believe you are still together with him.
You could start by packing your stuff and crashing at a friends for a bit if you can't afford your own place on such short notice.
He's also 4 years older than me. This is our problem - I am still the more mature, prefer a civilised conversation to a slanging match etc...He's more of a tantrum, slammer, shouter, thrower sort of person.
She said she couldn't move out either, because he was broke and she paid the kitchen for 3k, which she would never get back. He couldn't go back home and couldn't afford living on his own laa dee da. Reasonable excuses maybe, but when shit hits the fan you WILL be moving out even if it costs you a leg, so no trouble in starting to plan beforehand.
He is the same kind of guy and it won't get better.
I remember you from back when I came to this place. You were my second e-crush after briggi
A pity. Anyway, good luck with your situation.
How about moving into a house with a bunch of students?
Would be cheap if you can stand the mess.
I'm thinking of buying a house boat, just to get on the property ladder.
I could afford a one bedroom flat on my own; I'm looking just outside of London anyway. I couldn't bear living with students...or any one really. I'm a bit more independent than that and wouldn't want the constant interaction; plus working full time I don't want to come home to someone elses' mess - thanks for the thoughts though I appreciate the input.
I know I need out. I will muster a plan of action and get my guts together!
His behaviour seems completely unreasonable and controlling from what you've written here... I mean what does he actually give to you? Could his tempers escalate eventually in to something worse?
I can see why you're afraid of hurting his feelings, but then he doesn't appear to really care about your own feelings by what you've written.
I am going to miss waking up next to someone though and all those other little things.
Hows your predicament going maltesar?
I think this is part of it. It's hard to have those thoughts of finishing it when I'm laid in his arms. He's been really laying the love on thick this weekend; asking if I love him, telling me he loves me. I confided two work colleagues on Friday and they're being really supportive. Part of me is worried about his reaction; to be honest when I've talked about minor things previously my work colleague admitted she was scared about him hitting me and part of me is I suppose though I know his softer side which in my warped mind can sometimes convince me all is ok.
I think I will feel better; until that panicky moment where I start to come to terms with giving up more than 3 years worth of my life.
I know exactly what you mean, you can be totally fucked off and depressed, but one heartfelt comment throws you off kilter and makes you question if you really want to end it.
I was friends with my ex (wow that's weird to write) for 7 years first, then in a relationship with her for 3 and a half, so we have a lot of history, it was very difficult for me to end it, but ultimately I think it was the right thing to do. Life is too short to be unhappy especially if its within your own power to change it.
And you didn't waste over three years, you must have had fun to be in the relationship in the first place, its just another experience.
Although hard there does come a time in most relationships where it's time to move on. You shouldn't regret the time spent in that relationship because you gained so much happiness when you were in it, shared experiences that will stay with you forever. But there are brighter and bigger things waiting for you in the future too.
Somewhat relevant and nice:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpoyshqB8-o
:yes: be strong!!
Just to let you know...the last night I posted I started the ball rolling. I told him how I felt and it all came out. The next day he did everything 'right' and made me feel awful for it by being so lovely. He then came up with suggestions to change our lives and I still said I would move out and we should split. It was ridiculously hard but he has actually been great. We are getting on fine; I'm living on the sofa bed and we are being polite and nice to each other, getting out of the house a lot and I'm looking for somewhere. We've sat and watched a movie but on separate sofas and stuff. We've been going cold turkey physically and emotionally as it is and although I'm totally in to work and friends for now I know it'll hit when I move out. I am finding it hard and for the first couple days was a weepy mess but in a way we've got through it together; giving the other the necessary hug but letting go at the right time.
However I am happier and lighter without the constant feeling of confrontation and he obviously doesn't feel so pressurised to spend time with me.
Thank you for your support! Now I just need to find a suitable home!
Malt x