Advice making new friends

Former Member

Hey there

I've been in Grimsby for 2 months now and have made 0 friends here. Obviously not helping that I don't have a job. Have been looking online today for any clubs / things to do to meet friends, the only things that I find are:
- various dating avenues
- mums seeking mums
- car enthusiasts

And I'm a bit fed up now, so fed up of just being on my own all the time . The bars round here as well are not what I was used to in York - in York you can go on a quiet night and just have good chats with strangers because its studenty, here the bars are a mix of people on the dole in them all day or on the weekends its just full of 'bros', their orange girlfriends, and slightly older people. It's more of a pulling / older person (35+) environment.

Just getting fed up and lonely now.

Former Member

Get out of Grimsby. It's not a good place to be. I'd get out of Lincolnshire in general, dude.

Failing that: what about taking up some evening courses and learning something while getting to meet new people?

Former Member

Good plan on the evening courses, I'll have to see whats on around here. Yea I've been coming to the realisation that despite the cosy living arrangement here, I'm not going to be able to do anything exciting. I think if I just redouble my efforts at finding a job, I can move to wherever I get a job. I'm not sure how able I am to just up and leave completely though without an idea of where I'm headed.

Former Member

Volunteer? Something to put on your CV too. Gym? Or if you don't want to spend the money some kind of sports/running club should be cheaper. Library, maybe do some job hunting on the computers there. Assume they charge but every so often might be worth it for a change of scene.

Former Member

Be fascinated by people and they will enter your life.
The key is to be open to it.
See it as if it has already happened.

Former Member

You're doing the right thing by trying to find groups for likeminded people and attempting to go out and socialise. I've never been to Grimsby and I'm not even sure where it is but I do know that the idea that anyone can make friends anywhere if they just do x, y and z is a complete myth. People say “there must be loads of things you could join” or “there are all different kinds of people where you live” but unless you live in a city that can be really crappy advice.

Try everything you can to meet people and make friends, evening classes could work but remember that local groups and classes in the area are going to be made up from the local population. If they aren't the kind of people you normally click with then it may not work out. I mean you should be open about who you can be friends with but in the real world most friendship groups are made up of at least somewhat similar people.

If after months of trying and exhausting all options you find yourself in the same position then I would seriously consider focussing all your energy on finding a way out of there. Consider only applying for jobs that would mean moving.

Starry night

I highly suggest moving...can't think of anything else. Things will be o.k, just remember to be someone you would want to be friends with, don't close yourself off becuase you are scared of getting rejected. Wish you all the best*hug*

Former Member

I have moved, and it's helping. The problem is I still can't cross the acquaintance-friend barrier. Doesn't help that everyone at my work is 6+ years older than me and married / settled down, so not really looking to 'socialise' prolificly.

Moving definitely helped though. Grimsby is a hole.

Former Member

I would advise an evening class, a lot of colleges do art or languages. You could try finding a book club, or if you'd rather go out, see if there is a dance class/group near you, learn to salsa or do that Zumba thing everyone seems to love. You'll start meeting people, and you can start crossing the great divide by saying "fancy a drink before/after?" to some of the people you know or get on with better.

Online chat and interactions can help you feel less lonely too. The internet tends to always be there when you've struck out on a social attempt in the "real" world. And while dating isn't what you're after (or wasn't) websites and groups can help you meet some friends too.

**helen**

ShyBoy wrote: »

I have moved, and it's helping. The problem is I still can't cross the acquaintance-friend barrier. Doesn't help that everyone at my work is 6+ years older than me and married / settled down, so not really looking to 'socialise' prolificly.

Moving definitely helped though. Grimsby is a hole.

Noog mentioned you're out near his way now? If that's the case then it's a really interesting area and I think you'll be OK...

Former Member

**helen** wrote: »

Noog mentioned you're out near his way now? If that's the case then it's a really interesting area and I think you'll be OK...

It looks to be that way if I can get over the abundance of middle aged people


Thanks for the advice Fiend - I did read it! I looked into Zumba but think I'd be scared by being the only man there. I'm already involved in fitness via the simplefit program but that's a solitary pursuit. I'm looking into training for cycling / tris however and so if I get halfway good there is definitely a lot of scope to join a club there.

Being at work and around people in the day makes such a world of difference. I couldn't cope before where I was always on my own. I feel a lot for my sister who has two young kids and generally doesn't really go out and meets people - she must be feeling the same kind of loneliness.

Former Member

ShyBoy wrote: »

Thanks for the advice Fiend - I did read it! I looked into Zumba but think I'd be scared by being the only man there.

There are benefits to being the only guy there...

Former Member

So an update to this and where I'm at!

I've met a few people in my local area and get on with everyone at work well. But still no friends. Went for a drink after work for someone's birthday, but everyone left at 6.30pm to get home to their spouses / families.

I've looked around the local area and it isn't a hotpot for hobbies really. I'm doing running and still keeping fit, but they're relatively solitary ventures!

My housemates are nice, but not so interested in being overly social with me. Just because they have their own social networks already really. Everyone in a post-uni world seems to have their life planned out fairly well. I'm considering attempting to go solo in a pub and see if I can mingle my way into someone elses social group.

I can just imagine being the other person though, having a quiet drink with friends and a stranger walks up to you and starts making conversation. Bit uncomfortable and awkward maybe .

Former Member

I wouldn't give up on the people from work. It sounds really sleazy but be a friend stealer If you don't find someone that could be bro-mance material stick around and maybe their friends could be potential suitors. I don't think it's really 'using' so don't feel too bad. It's *networking*.

Former Member

Hallo

So I thought I'd update to this. Still pretty much the same situation! Except now instead of getting too miserable about it, I guess I've got used to being on my own, and generally just talk with 'online friends'. Some of them actually I feel quite close to these days.

Haven't been out really since the drink in April except for a quick drink with a mate who lives in the area. So that's going out twice in 8 months (excluding my visits into town to consume coffee on my own and go to the bank / shops, but thus far not had even a meaningful conversation through that avenue).

I've tried quite a few hobbies and clubs, but haven't really clicked anywhere yet. I don't feel social anxiety which is a plus, just purely get there and everyone is already in groups, hard to talk to people and when I do it's pleasantries and then they peel off again into their own conversations.

I remember being at Uni and spotting guys like myself in a club I used to help run that I'd actively try to help get involved. Basically guys who were sitting around the fringe with no mates - nothing wrong with them - just didn't know anyone yet.

So now, just waiting for the invitation to be included in the meantime, online friends it is!