paranoid or jelous.or maybe even crazy????

Former Member

hi everyone.i have a huge problem at the moment.ive been married for 4 years now.ive been in a relationship with my wife for over 9 years.i know she loves me dearly.the problem is that about 6 or 7 months ago she got frindly with a guy who worked in a cafe over the shop that she works in.she would pass him several times a day going to the store office and they would chat regularly.about 4 months ago they baecame froinds on facebook.they only had 4 conversations on fb in the space of 5 weeks but there was a few little flirts thrown in in some of the conversations.about 3 months ago she went and met him for a coffee but when she returned that day she told me she had bumped into and had coffee.a few days later i got the truth out of her that they arranged on fb to meet for a coffee.i am an incredably jelous guy so she is saying she lied to me so not to hurt my feelings and because she knew how i would react.he is a very good looking guy and she told me this hersel.ive seen everything they spoke about on fb as i hacked into her account.i also know that it was only the one time they met.she has since completly stopped contacting him and told him last wek that her marriage was more important to her than he was so she wouldnt be talking to him again.i also made her ring him while i was listening in to confirm that nothin happened.i also confronted him on this.twice.i know im being an ass but i cant help wondering why she flirted with him.our relationship had being going downhill for the last 2 years as she wanted a baby and i didnt.but she always told me she loved me.i also stopped being affectionate with her and became dismissive of her.i just cant stop thinkin that she did somethin or had feelings for him.pleeeease help

Aurora

I think your jumping to conclusions, are you not allowing her to have a friend that is a boy? You should of talked to her before jumping to conclusions as now you are forcing her to not be able to talk to this guy, maybe you think they were being flirty but they weren't just being kind to each other, why not tell us a bit about what they're saying to each other that makes you think they're flirting? She does love you still and she has shown you, maybe you could talk to her about how you feel and maybe she can talk to you about how she feels in the relationship and your feeling towards this other guy?

Former Member

nemesis55 wrote: »

our relationship had being going downhill for the last 2 years as she wanted a baby and i didnt.but she always told me she loved me.i also stopped being affectionate with her and became dismissive of her.

Since you admit that your relationship hasnt been perfect can you really blame her for looking for a bit of attention elsewhere? In all honestly, i dont think she had an affair or sex on her mind or anything more than just to talk to someone who is interested in her for once and what she has to say.

Also remember that she has stopped contacting him and told him the marriage means more to her than he does, that must tell you something.

My advice is to make an extra effort to treat her like a lady. She sounds like shes missing attention and affection so treat her to a nice dinner out just the two of you, do the housework for her when she gets in, cook dinner, run her a relaxing bath, little treats like that can make a real difference. Also try to let her have her own space as well and dont interegate her on every friend she has.

**helen**

Wise words from Lexi99 - also would consider taking a look at our communicating as a couple article.

As mentioned in other thread, moving this over to relationships. :thumb:

Former Member

hey guys.thanks for replying.to angels comment on what they were saying to each other.he said she had a nice smile and she replied with i think you are lovely too.she also told him she would aways be there for him when he told her that it was hard being in a strange country where he didnt know many people and sometimes felt lonely.he was then telling her about some of his previous relationships that went wrong and commented that he didnt think that they would be speaking like this to each other but he liked it.my wife then replied with i like it too so lets be friends,and good ones at that.in there last conversation she put xxx at the end of the conversation.i know girls tend to this but she hardly knew the guy.am i still being paranoid.is it ok for attached people to flirt like that??

Former Member

Why were you reading her messages in the first place? Do you not trust her?

As far as the content goes, it doesn't sound abnormal to me, or particularly flirty. I put kisses or not depending on my mood more than anything else, but I appreciate that's not true of everyone. I also have friends that I've talked to as though I've known them all my life when we only met 3 hours ago - sometimes people click, that doesn't mean she's going to cheat.

We can't really tell you what is normal for your relationship; have you tried talking calmly about it?

Former Member

i only read her messages after i found out she had lied about the circumstances of meeting this guy for lunch.yes i agree i am a very suspicious guy most of the time.my previous girlfriend cheated on me and my mother also had an affair which split up my parents.i know its possible that she said they just bumped into each other so as to not freak me out but it is very unlike my wife to go asking guys whether they are friends or not to go for lunch.a lot of what is scaring me is the ease at which she was able to lie and make up stories to cover the fact that she had asked to meet up.how do i know she hasnt been doing that all along.a lot of my friends are telling me im crazy,but i cant stop thinking that she had feelings for this guy...

Former Member

Hey nemesis, I'm the king of jealousy! In my first serious relationship I got hurt and then became insanely jealous and it destroyed me. And then ultimately, the relationship. I think I've got a much better handle on it these days, and am happier for it.

You've got to realise the jealousy thing... it's you. It's not her, it's not this other guy, it's you. If you feel jealous the whole time it will destroy your relationship, you have to work out a way to diffuse your jealousy.

It's a very natural emotion, and especially so considering your last girlfriend and your mother both had affairs. Back in caveman days, men competed for women, so jealousy is a natural inbuilt response something in the back of your mind is saying 'hey, that guy is a threat, fuck him up!'. We're not caveman anymore though.

But you need to deal with this for the sake of your relationship, and more importantly, for the sake of your happiness. If you let the jealousy take over you will always see the worst in everything. I've been there, the 'xx' on the end of the message you interpret as being a lovers secret kiss, even the innocent smile at a guy stabs you in the heart.

People lie, every day. I've never met a single person who doesn't lie. And that includes people checking out other people while they're in relationships, even flirting with them. Anyone who says they don't enjoy that attention is probably lying. But at the end of the day, people know where the lines are, and your girlfriend has even stopped talking to this guy despite it being just friendly, just to make you happy.

You have to let her be free, to make her own choices, and then have faith that when she comes home to you at the end of the day - it's because she wants to be with you, not because you're controlling her. Stop torturing yourself with thoughts about what she might have thought, because at the end of the day - it doesn't matter. What matters is she loves you, and she wants to be with you. Focus on that and enjoy the time you spend together.

Good luck.