Same old

Former Member

I don't really have the energy to write this post, but at the same time I think I owe it to myself to at least try.

Stuff is really shit at the moment. I can't put it all into words, just an overwhelming "there is no point".

I don't really have anyone, I'm home alone and plans keep running through my head. There is stuff I could do today, I just need to come up with something that hurts people the least.

The only person I've really talked to is my ex, which probably isn't a good idea but he has always been helpful through all of this shizz, and he is the only person I have. He said he wants to come over tomorrow morning, but its a long, expensive journey, and I don't want the guilt.

I don't think I even really want help. I've asked for it so many times before, and stuff just doesn't get better. Because stuff is always changing, I *know* stuff will get better, but I don't think it is worth it. The good times don't make the bad times worth it.

I just need to be able to change my mind, because this isn't something I want to do.... :crying:

Former Member

*hug*

please don't put yourself in danger honey. is there anyone else you can call to come and see you if you really don't want your ex to visit?

i understand x

Former Member

Can you call your freind or something, maybe go out with someone so you're not alone?
*Hugs*

Former Member

I don't know who to call. I haven't talked to anyone in so long.

Former Member

Any family member you could talk to? Or maybe your ex? I know you said that it might not be a good idea but do you still get on with him? You say he has been helpful before, maybe you could talk to him now?
And don't feel guilty about the long journey he'll be taking, you're not forcing him to go and see you, he wants to.

Former Member

Thanks. He might be coming. He doesn't know if he can visit now. As for family - it really hasn't ever worked in the past

Former Member

*hugs*
You can PM me if you want to.
Do you want to talk to anyone about things? I know you said you're not sure you want help, but it might be good going to a GP about how you're feeling.

Former Member

He can't come. I knew I had noone :crying:

Former Member

I really thought he would come around and I would be OK. I'm so desperate right now

Former Member

You do have someone. I'm sure there are a lot of people who care about you, people on this site also care about you. Has he given a reason as to why he can't come?

Former Member

i'm here. we're all here. hold on xx

Former Member

Are you ok this morning?

I know everyone says this, but sometimes calling the Samaritans in those moments can just take the edge off.

Former Member

please let us know you are ok when you can x

Former Member

Sorry, I'm OK

Former Member

yellowseahorse wrote: »

Sorry, I'm OK

Good!

Former Member

I've done some things today, I've eaten a tin of sweetcorn (yum) and I'm currently fake tanning. I don't particularly want to be tanned, but it is something to do. I've tried to watch films / talk to people / read books with limited success as concentration is a bit all over the place at the moment.

Things *might* just be OK. Who knows, I might even leave the house tomorrow!?!? Trying this day by day thing. Fingers crossed.

Former Member

Aw, that's good. I'm glad you're feeling better today

Former Member

I'm pissed off. I rung the Samaritans and asked them to call me back and the woman said that they have a free number and I should call that. I called that and then it hung up. Grrr.

Former Member

I tried again and I got a really annoying woman. Don't get me wrong, I've used them in the past and they've been so so so great, just bit upset that I'm not finding them as helpful as the last few times when I really need it

Former Member

Try again.... If you use 'saynoto0870' you might be able to find your local office number. Or try jo@samaritans.org if there are things you might want to write down but not in front of us

Former Member

*hugs*
I've used jo@samaritans.org and that's great, but it takes up to 12 hours for them to reply, can be quick sometimes though. Have you tried to ring them again?

Former Member

It is very rare for me to be able to feel positive this late at night, but I feel like a lightbulb has just turned on in my head. :shocking: I guess I was fed up of just feeling sorry for myself, being in pain and damaging my body and I'm not realllllllllllllly ready to give it all in yet.

I have a plan :yes: This may seem like a list of obvious ideas, but it is the first time I've sort of considered it as an option and I think my perspective has changed.

Soooo. For the next few months or whatever, I'm going to focus on getting better. Well actually - that isn't really it. I want to be able to manage this, whatever 'this' is. That way if it does come back, I know what I need to do to help myself.

I'm going to go back to uni. I don't know if I'll be able to complete this year, but I figure it is the best place for me. Living with my friends and having structure to my day. My GP surgery at home is essentially shit, whilst my one at uni isn't too bad, and it is a bigger place so I'm hoping I may be able to get better access to services.

I'm going to go back to my GP there and ask for them to review my medication and also ask about different sorts of therapy - not just counselling. No idea if he'll agree, but I guess it is a start.

I'm also going to be honest with the people I'm living with, be open from the start.

I'm going to get in touch with my pastoral tutor hopefully before term starts depending if they have changed or not, and discuss the whole situation just so someone is aware really. I'm also going to ask if they could talk to anyone further on in the course who has had the same sort of problems as me, and ask them if they wouldn't mind talking to me.

The one bit I'm worried about is the pressure of going back, and knowing how hard I'll have to work. I'm going to have to have a meeting with my academic tutor anyway due to failinggggg an exam, but I'll try and cover a lot more than that. Might even try and see some other members of staff that lead the topics that I have particular trouble with. I know my friends will also be happy to help me with stuff actually, it helps to teach things to other people after all.

I'm also on the committee for an organisation, and I don't want to let them down. But I think it will be good to do something that -onagoodday- I enjoy. I've also got my gym membership and the sea there which is always good

Maaan there is a lot there. I'm worried now that I'll pick up a textbook tomorrow and start crying and that all of this will fall to pieces :razz: But at least this is written down so I can come back and have a look

Former Member

So pleased to read what you've written yellow seahorse it is really good to have those 'lightbulb' moments. I'm sure things will still be difficult at times... but remember what you have written here and remember what your goals are and where you want to be and use it as a compass if you will to help get through each difficult day.

Former Member

I think if you see the academics as a sort of 'bare-minimum means-to-an-end' and not the be-all and end-all, that's all achievable. Get your pastoral tutor to refer you to the disability/long-term health needs support at university, they're often brilliant.

Well done :thumb:

Former Member

Writing that list down was an awesome plan. Remember to keep things in manageable chunks.

xx

Former Member

Thanks guys. I still haven't really managed to get the motivation or the get up and go to actually do much, but I've written a list....

I think I'm coping with stuff a little better now... I've got most of the external factors sorted in my head, its just the internal stuff thats still causing a problem. Progress though.