Confused and Rather Lost. *Poss. Triggering*

Former Member

This thread may be a bit of an emotional vomit post but I needed somewhere where I could talk about this to people who would understand and hopefully help me clear my head.

I don't really know how to put this but for the last few months I've felt kinda empty. I feel kind of dead inside and I don't know how to fix it. Like, I feel completely detached from the outside world and I don't know how to reconnect with it. More than anything I just want to fade away. The other day I just left my house and started walking. I didn't know where I was going but I just kept walking. The only things that stopped me from going any further was not having any money and my Dad texting me telling me to come home for tea. I used to be really afraid of dying but I don't care anymore. I don't care about anything anymore. I think there's a box inside my head where I've locked away all my feelings and I started to run on autopilot because it got too much. I've been on autopilot for too long now and I don't know how to open the box and deal with it. I don't even know how to be myself anymore. I look in the mirror and I don't feel any sort of connection to the person looking back at me. I feel almost lost inside my own head, detached from the outside but empty on the inside. The
thing with the autopilot though is that I can behave perfectly normally, be really happy and excited. Like, really, really "happy". Everyone thinks I'm happy and okay but I'm not. During the day I don't think anyone can see the cracks but when I'm alone they seem like chasms. But what if I'm not really sad, and the day me isn't pretending. That's the problem, I've lost all way of telling how I'm feeling because it feels like I'm not feeling anything.

I'm not sure of anything anymore. I'm not sure of who I am or how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling like that. I want to reconnect with life and the world and not run on autopilot the whole time but I can't remember how to do it. I just can't.

Any help or advice would be gratefully received. Thank you.

LauraO

Hey Blah and a massive welcome to TheSite :wave:

This is a great place to chat about how you feel and there are lots of people who will understand, so it's great that you've found us and want to talk about these feelings that seem to be confusing you.

Feeling empty and detached is something that more people than you may think experience in their lives and it is completely understandable that you feel unsure about everything whilst feeling like this. Sometimes it's easy to put on a brave face in front of other people, so they don't suspect anything, but when you're alone it can all get on top of you. Do you feel that by chatting to us about this that you might feel ready to try and get some support?

It is possible that these feelings are sign of depression. A good place to start might be to have a look at our section about this and see if any of this rings true with you.

Lots of people experience depression at some point in their lives, and one of the best way to confront this is to speak to other people about how your feeling. Going to see your doctor is recommended but at first you might find it easier to chat to a close friend, someone in your family or a school counsellor etc?

Please do keep posting

Big *hug*

LauraO

Former Member

The detached autopilot feeling is a common feature of many mental illnesses, including depression, anxiety and PTSD. Google 'dissociation' for info on it, there is loads and loads and I promise that you are not alone.

Have you considered speaking to your doctor about it? I was so worried about going to mine, thought she'd just laugh at me if I went in saying, 'oh hi, I think I've forgotten how to have feelings', but actually she was lovely about it and really helpful. It's obviously not as simple as them just being able to switch them back on for you, but it's a start. I know it's hard to motivate yourself to do anything when your default emotion is 'blank', but if you can try to get daytime you to sort it out, I really think the real you would benefit.

Former Member

LauraO: Thanks for your kind words, they really helped cheer me up. I am very glad I've found this place and hopefully it will help me in the long run! I've had a look into depression but I don't think it's a great fit for me and how I'm feeling. I know that talking to people could be helpful but I find it unbelievably difficult talking about my feelings. That's why I hoped here could help because I find typing them a bit easier!

Kaff: Thank you so much for your post. I googled dissociation and found some more information on 'depersonalisation disorder'. When I was reading the symptoms and people's experiences of it I actually cried because it's almost exactly how I feel and it was amazing to think that there might be help out there. I know that I can't diagnose myself but it was just nice to know that the way I'm feeling isn't totally out there and that one day it could get better and go away. Does it ever go away?

I don't think I'm quite brave enough to see my gp yet though. I'd have to wait until I was back at school anyway as I'm at boarding school and registered at the local surgery there. But the motivation to get better may give me that extra push in the right direction!

Thanks again

Former Member

Glad to hear you were able to find some comfort in what you found blah *hug* it seems like you're approaching things in the right way and it's important to do what's right when you're ready, so going to the gp near school mkes sense.

the site's alway's here,

dp