So Confused..

Former Member

well i dont really know where this goes..... so i guess if ive got it wrong it can be moved.

So, i came out earlier this year... and all along ive known that i dont really give a **** about what anybody thinks, except my parents.
All my life has been spent trying to please my mum, as ive become more of my own person and a person she doesnt want me to be. Me coming out has been the 'icing on the cake'.
At first..she acted like she accepted it.. but over time ive realised.. she doesnt. Before i came out she was always wanting to meet any guy i dated. Now im willing for her to meet my gf, she refuses to. the other day she started discussing contraception with me (ive just turned 16) and when i asked her why i needed it, her response was "Well otherwise, you could get pregnant, duh" I just sat there in shock..... there are constant remarks like that, which remind me that she expects me to wake up one day, realise ive made some horrible mistake, dump my gf and go marry some average joe guy.

This, aswell as my stepfather (who has always made me life hell) has been sending me into.. minor relapses so far. With exception of one night, when i felt incredibly suicidal.. this in turn is affecting my relationship. I want her support, but theres some stuff which may get her down.. so i worry about sharing it ALL with her. She knows about my past and has told me to always tell her if something is getting me down....... but lately ive found it very difficult to communicate with her. I feel like shes avoiding me a lot, and now am worrying about seeming really clingy..

Urgh, everything is just piling up. Guess i needed to get it out and beg for some advice! Congrats if you made it through all that.

Former Member

Can you write a letter and tell her how you feel?

Former Member

That sounds really rough for you, I'm sorry.

Parents do tend to take a long time to come to terms with this sort of thing. Parents are geniuses at perpetuating the, 'just a phase' myth. Have you considered suggesting that she talks to an organisation like FFLAG?

Do you have the support from a doctor or therapist? I know they won't be there for you all day every day but they might take some of the pressure off your relationship. It might help if you can talk through your relationship with your mum and stepdad with someone professional who can suggest strategies for dealing with them.

For peer support, if you want it from LGBT folk, you could try The Queer Youth Network (I'm getting a bandwidth error but I hope it's temporary).

Former Member

have tried letters with past problems and it never done me good writing ones i dnt send and the last time i tried giving her one she went crazy at me
i do see a councellor at school.. but ofc its summer hols atm and being yr eleven i left just over two months ago.

thanks piccolo.ill try those links once i can get on a computer xx

Former Member

I think it would be an idea to try and get therapy through your doctor. School-appointed counsellors are a bit generic, your doctor and CAMHS* would offer more appropriate support.

In the mean time there are two very good helplines.

London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard - 0300 330 0630 (local rates, 10am-11pm all week). They also have an IM service on this page when you can get to a computer and an email service.

London Friend - 020 7837 3337 (national rates, Mon, Tue, Wed, Fri 7:30-9:30pm_.

Although they are London-based the helplines support people nationally. I did some info about Devon that might be of some use, Intercom Trust (SW services) and LGBT groups in Devon.

Sorry if that's a bit of a bombardment but hopefully in there you'll find something. I remember how difficult it felt to not be living in a city and trying to meet other people.

Don't assume your girlfriend doesn't understand. Perhaps she is just really scared of saying the wrong thing and needs reassurance.

*Community Adolescent Mental Health Services

Former Member

Ahh CAHMS haha,. very VERY bad history with CAHMS.....

ill have a look at those links now as ive snuck onto my stepdasd computer Thanks again x

Former Member

Your mother might come round. I have seen some peoples parents react badly when told that either their son or daughter is gay but then get used to the idea eventually. She may eventually realize its not just a phase. I think this can be confusing for older people especially with the whole trend for straight girls kissing at parties. Even if she is never completely happy about it, a lot of parents obsess over the idea of their kids getting a conventional marriage and family, she will hopefully accept it.

I think reaching out to other people who have been through a similar situation could help.

Former Member

Hi TryingtobeStrong,

All the replies from people here have been very supportive and guiding you to the right organisations, which hopefully can help you deal with how you are feeling at the moment.

What I would like to focus on is your girlfriend - you say you struggle to tell her everything you are feeling and you feel her avoiding you at the moment. Perhaps she feels like you are distancing yourself (in your eyes to protect her) and is therefore doing the same. Perhaps you could meet up just to chat about this properly, get it all out and share what you feel. This could help you move on from the awkwardness you seem to feel with her at the moment.

I also agree with Piccolo in the sense that

Parents do tend to take a long time to come to terms with this sort of thing

Keep being strong and in time they will get more used to the idea