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Is this the end?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have very recently (less than 3 weeks ago) been dumped.

My partner of nearly 10 years recently went to Italy on a trip and met someone else. On his return home he messaged a friend and informed her that he had not been happy for at least 18 months but since meeting someone (twice) in Rome, he could see that he could be happy again.

I found this message and eventually confronted him . We spent hours discussing the situation rationally (hard to believe now, I was also just as aware that our relationship had not been a happy one for the last couple of years, and we agreed to support each other through this and to be as amicable as possible. To be honest I did not take the woman in Rome seriously. I was shocked and numb but almost resigned. However the next day he informed me that he is flying out to Rome (in 2 weeks time) to stay with this woman and see where it goes, telling me that he needs to move forward! I was devastated and feel hurt and wounded. I thought he was a nice person and wouldnt dream that he would be setting up the next relationship under my nose. I know he has a photo of her and is learning Italian. He walks round the house happpy and singing at times, so I know he has talked to her. At other times he is worried and down, and I know that he hasn't.

The last ten years with him have not been easy for various reasons. I am 14 years older than him and early in our relationship he expressed a deep desire to have children. I did fall pregnant but lost the baby and I have not wanted to try again. I am now too old to have children. Many times over the years he has become depressed and/or upset at the prospect of having children and we have discussed this but it did make me feel either pressured to have them or guilty that I couldnt or wouldnt have them. This put a tremendous strain on our relationship. I have said to him that I could predict that he would leave me for a younger, more fertile woman one day (how right could I be). Probably due to this I am aware that I put up huge barriers, I even tried to leave him once so that he was free to find someone to have children with, but he said that it was his decision to be with me regardless. I have a son who is now 30 and he was also a contentious issue within our relationship.

Over the last 3 weeks I have gone through all the usual processes, anger, hurt, depressed, etc etc. Luckily my sister was staying with us when this all happened and she was very supportive to both of us. She has now returned home. I have seen my GP to make him aware that I have previously had serious reactive depression (when my previous husband and I parted) but am not currently taking any medication. I have been off work for 2 weeks.

My partner and I jointly own a house and initialy he was quite pushy for me to decide what to do about this, whether he was to buy me out or we were going to sell. I found this unbearable and he has agreed not to pressure me to make any decisions, but he appears keen to move on to his new life. The financial future looks bleak for me. I am nearing the end of my career and am not a high earner. I am too old to take on a mortgage on my own and cannot afford to rent anything other than a small flat/house. I own an old horse who takes up the majority of my income and am tied to this until she dies. My partner is younger, has a good job and I am not sure that he understands how frightened I am about the future. I was financially independent when I met him but having moved areas twice to be with him, I have had to change jobs (for lower wages) and had to move the horse into more expensive stables. I would love to stay in our home, which I adore, but cannot afford to buy him out.

He moved out for a couple of days (into a hotel) but moved back saying that it was too expensive and he couldnt work from a hotel room.

For the last few days, we have been communicating openly, even discussing his possible future relationship. We have become very close and even have been sleeping together. This has been pleasant but painful as it reminds us how we used to be. He says that he has never stopped caring or loving me but is still adamant that he is going to Rome however to find out ??? In the cold light of day I agree - that he needs to go and see if this is happiness or a mid life crisis, but in the darkest hours I am so sad, hurt and frightened. How will I get through that week? How will I react when he returns depending on how he feels about her?
He has said that she is a catalyst and may not be his future partner/wife/childbearer, but feels that there was a bond there and needs to take this further. I know he is confused and hurt that we are now talking and close (probably because it is too late or it makes him feel guitly?).

I am in limbo. I cannot make any decisions at the moment, I dont feel strong enough. I am a practical person and need some aim in life (even short term). Considering how I have felt the last 3 weeks, I am amazed that I have managed to look at rented properties, had the house valued, seen a solicitor and a miriad of other tasks in preparation.

Today whilst cleaning up before the house valuer called, I found an Italian language tape in one of his bags and I know he has a photo of this woman on his memory stick - under my nose!!!

I am writing this as much for therapy as much as any advice anyone can offer.


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    to be very blunt its the end between the two of you, while it is completely out of order for him to be doing this right in front of you but he's moving on and has found someone else, whether this is something he will come to regret is unknown but you have to do the same and move on from him

    I'm sorry that you've had to go through this
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Stop sleeping with him. Just stop. If he doesn't want to be with you, he doesn't want to be with you, and sleeping with him will only keep an inkling of hope in your mind.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there alisonjar,

    Welcome to the boards :wave:

    So sorry you are going through this. Breaking up is always very hard and in this situation you seem to be really upset. It is understandable that what he has done and the way you found out has left you heartbroken, and at the same time you have to deal with everything around you such as living arrangements and money.

    As Jamelia suggested, is there anywhere you could stay to get some space? Still being in each other's lives and sleeping together might make the ending of this relationship feel worse.

    It seems like, from your post, he is allowing this relationship to stay open in case it doesn't work out for him in Italy - and by doing so, keeping you in "limbo". This might make you wait for him or hope for a reconciliation, which might come or might not. Perhaps giving yourself the space to decide what you really want (as you mentioned the last couple of years haven't been great) could help you make your own future?

    Accepting it's over and moving on takes time, especially with 10 years behind you. Perhaps thinking about your current situation surrounding this as well as getting back to your job could gradually help you get back to feeling like yourself again. You will hopefully be able to manage independently again, and it already seems like you have thrown yourself straight in to get things sorted which is great.

    Please feel free to keep posting and do let us know how you get on *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you everyone.
    I am still very confused. Over the last week it has been a roller coaster of emotions. We have continued to talk and have sex. He has said that we shouldnt be doing this as it will make the break up harder for both of us. I have objected saying that we are consenting adults and if it brings us closer if only for a short while then why not, all the time I am hoping it is making it harder for him - punishment? Revenge? Of course I am probably fooling myself and now see that he is managing all this really as he has absolute control. He is probably enjoying the arguments, the tears and the sex!! He has someone else who may or may not be waiting for him.
    I did decide to fly to the states to stay with my son for a while but then changed my mind as I felt too weak and vulnerable to spend the flights and waiting time on my own.
    I also am now suffering from morbid curiosity after finding an Italian language CD in the house at the weekend (showing that he is investing a lot into this obsession/love) and since then have been checking his phone, pockets etc. I hate feeling like this and this was one of the reasons I wanted to get out for a while. I dont want to be a snoop. I have noticed however that he announces our separation to friends and family not as sad, unfortunate, poor Alison; but as good news that he has found someone in Rome and it is exciting. Complete denial of what he has done. He is able to justify it all and of course he does not look like a bad person. HIs image and status is very important to him (one of his insecurities).
    I did ask him to leave the other night as he said that it was uncomfortable and difficult for both of us to be in the same house, but he said that he wanted important decisions to be made re: house, money etc before he moved out.
    I know you are all right and this situation must stop. I need to get strong without getting angry. I cannot get angry for fear that he may not help out financially. He has offered for me to stay in the house (probably with a lodger) and he will pay what I cannot afford of the mortgage and he will move out and rent.
    I am back at work but only for three days and not functioning at all - it is though some sort of normality.
    I keep trying to remember that I was not happy either but had settled within the relationship. I suppose it never really stood a chance with this great desire of his to have babies.
    What if I ask him to leave and he refuses. You are right, I dont want to be on my own, but I know that asking will give me some control.
    I am dreading the week when he flies out to Rome knowing what is going on - and dreading it when he returns. Of course I hope that it is all a complete disaster and he makes a complete fool of himself.
    Thank you to everyone for your kind words and advice.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tonight I told him that I didn't feel right continuing to have sex with him. It made me feel like 'the other woman' and felt that I was moving on. I said that it had been pleasant and a better way to end the relationship than shouting, crying and burning his trousers. I made up the spare bed, gave him a friendly hug and he went to bed quiet and sulky.
    I took control and felt empowered. He looked as though the rug had been pulled from under him. Fab!
    He spoke to my sister tonight, whom he confides in, and informed her that his week in Rome with the deluctable Italian has now been reduced to seeing her for 3 days as she has to work. I wonder if he is feeling slightly rejected? Shame.
    Thank you to all for your advice - it may a lot of difference too me. Long may I feel like this. Watch this space.
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