If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options
OH isn't pulling his weight - Stressful!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I wasn't sure whether to post this on Home, Law & Money or here, but seeing as it's more relationship related I thought here would be best.
OH and I are currently in the process of buying a house. It's been a long old slog to get here, get the deposit, get our contracts etc, fix my credit file etc but we're here in the end.
The thing is I'm doing all the bloody work and I'm stressed out as hell and everytime I ask him for help he won't do anything.
OH is very shy, never lived away from home. I'm more outgoing and I've lived away from home etc before and know what comes with everything.
The problem is he's making me do all the paperwork, all the chasing, all the liasing, I had to organise all the viewings, do all the negotiations, deal with the solicitors and mortgage people etc. I wouldn't mind it's just when we've had a few problems (he accidently told me that the house report came back £12k under and I panicked) he's being really stubborn and keeps blocking me when I need to do stuff.
With the valuation problem, although it was sorted out, he refused if it had been £12k under for me to go back to the EA and renegotiate. He assumed that the bank would still lend us the mortgage and wouldn't believe me when I said that they wouldn't. It turned out OK in the end but I'm doing this, also going through a very stressful time at work with stuff going on AND I have my driving test tomorrow.
He's usually really supportive but little things like he got the solicitors details today which our Estate Agent has been hounding me for. I asked him to give them a quick ring and pass them on and he refused saying could I do it whilst I was at work. I said no and he said FINE THEN, WON'T DO IT etc. In the end I relented and did it all.
We're a very solid couple and usually he's ridiculously mature but he is being so black and white about the whole thing and doesn't seem to understand the implications behind stuff. It doesn't help that his dad has the same attitude and I was appalled when he agreed with not going to renegotiate and said "the bank will just give you the money still"...
This is obviously one of the most stressful times in our lives and I have spoken to him about it but he just really doesn't seem to understand the impact of certain things and there is a bit of an air of "Well it's my house" because he is providing the deposit. Although when we complete and start paying the mortgage the split will be 60:40.
In addition I've tried to sit him down and talk about scenarios ie. What if we were ever to split? And rather than discuss it, he refuses and says he "doesn't believe in divorce so there's no point discussing it" and then has become all paranoid that I'm going to leave him and take the house (this is based on his work colleagues all having this happen to them)!!!
Worried that if I don't get him to realise things now this could escalate and cause major problems in the future.
Any advice?
OH and I are currently in the process of buying a house. It's been a long old slog to get here, get the deposit, get our contracts etc, fix my credit file etc but we're here in the end.
The thing is I'm doing all the bloody work and I'm stressed out as hell and everytime I ask him for help he won't do anything.
OH is very shy, never lived away from home. I'm more outgoing and I've lived away from home etc before and know what comes with everything.
The problem is he's making me do all the paperwork, all the chasing, all the liasing, I had to organise all the viewings, do all the negotiations, deal with the solicitors and mortgage people etc. I wouldn't mind it's just when we've had a few problems (he accidently told me that the house report came back £12k under and I panicked) he's being really stubborn and keeps blocking me when I need to do stuff.
With the valuation problem, although it was sorted out, he refused if it had been £12k under for me to go back to the EA and renegotiate. He assumed that the bank would still lend us the mortgage and wouldn't believe me when I said that they wouldn't. It turned out OK in the end but I'm doing this, also going through a very stressful time at work with stuff going on AND I have my driving test tomorrow.
He's usually really supportive but little things like he got the solicitors details today which our Estate Agent has been hounding me for. I asked him to give them a quick ring and pass them on and he refused saying could I do it whilst I was at work. I said no and he said FINE THEN, WON'T DO IT etc. In the end I relented and did it all.
We're a very solid couple and usually he's ridiculously mature but he is being so black and white about the whole thing and doesn't seem to understand the implications behind stuff. It doesn't help that his dad has the same attitude and I was appalled when he agreed with not going to renegotiate and said "the bank will just give you the money still"...
This is obviously one of the most stressful times in our lives and I have spoken to him about it but he just really doesn't seem to understand the impact of certain things and there is a bit of an air of "Well it's my house" because he is providing the deposit. Although when we complete and start paying the mortgage the split will be 60:40.
In addition I've tried to sit him down and talk about scenarios ie. What if we were ever to split? And rather than discuss it, he refuses and says he "doesn't believe in divorce so there's no point discussing it" and then has become all paranoid that I'm going to leave him and take the house (this is based on his work colleagues all having this happen to them)!!!
Worried that if I don't get him to realise things now this could escalate and cause major problems in the future.
Any advice?
0
Comments
Thanks. Yeah, it's a bit tricky... we're usually so good together but he's reverted to some sort of weird "manly man" mode where he wants to provide for me, protect me yadda yadda. His mum and dad are seperated (about 14 years) but still married and I'm guessing he's basing his experience on that. At first he was apprehensive for me to even be on the mortgage (bad credit in the past) but when he realised all he'd get with his wages was a studio flat he relented.
I don't mind doing this stuff as I'm a bit of a control freak and like to know everything that is going on, but at the same time silly things like calling the EA to give her some details isn't massive. He keeps saying he'll mumble, he's not good on the phone etc, he'll screw it up and I think it's more to do with that than anything else.
The house itself, although I love it, I worry about his reasons for picking it. It's about 3 minute walk from his dad's. Is a carbon copy of his dad's (same layout etc) and he kept angling for us to take the room we currently live in at the back and lay it out the same as our current room rather than take the main room. I put my foot down and explained this would be "OUR" house and not a replication of his house. If I were to replicate my house growing up it would be a HUGE house etc etc it's not practical or healthy. However the house we are getting ticks every single box and I like that it's close to his dad's for the future etc.
I think he's probably just scared that if he does anything he'll muck it up but I just wish he'd have enough confidence to act like a grown up, you know?
I'm sure he understands perfectly, but as you said above, he has a slight sense of entitlement because he's putting in the deposit and I'd be a bit concerned if that seeps its way into issues like housework once you're both settled in. No one wants to be screwed over financially, but you're about to buy a house together, you're not two people living together separately - he has to pull his weight on this, make that clear; he's not 'helping' you as it's a shared responsibility.
Hope it gets sorted out
But it's you who seems to be doing all the work. It's hardly his house if you're paying for it too.
Thanks for all the advice etc. In terms of the chores I don't imagine that being a problem. He's a bit of a neat freak and isn't adverse to doing the dishes etc.
It's been a stressful couple of weeks, it hasn't helped he has been on night shifts for a rush job etc. Today we had an utterly blazing row beause the solicitor's questionnaire arrived with the whole "Joint Tenants" "Tenants in Common" thing.
I sat him down and explained it to him, as I mentioned previously the split is technically 60/40 and I wanted to make sure he knew he had the option to stipulate this if he wished. As I mentioned previously he was getting a bit ratty about the division beforehand because of recent issues with his peers at work (ie. all their housewife wives are kicking them out and taking the house). He went spare at me (luckily in front of his dad who gave him a right dressing down when I left the room) and was like "I don't f***ing know!? Tick any bloody box! Solicitors are crooks anyway, why do we have to deal with them... it's not like an important part of the process!" (Erm yes, it is, the whole thing depends on the conveyancing!)
Later on we needed to get stuff stamped at the bank for proof of ID etc and when I "forgot" his bank statement (Surely he should have picked this up himself) he started going on "Well you've got your way, you get half the house when you f*** off and leave me. Your just like everybody else leeching on me!" I then told him to stop the car and got out and started walking home in tears. I hadn't even said anything.
He calmed down and apologised and things were better later on. He said that he's particularly stressed at the moment because of night shifts, he has had about 2 hours sleep in 4 days and his job is buggering around with his money. He said he just doesn't understand the whole process and it's easier for me to deal with it but I keep asking him questions that he doesn't know how to answer and it's frustrating him. I don't think this is a particularly valid excuse but at the same time I should just wait and see if he calms down when he comes off shifts... hopefully a bit of sleep should make a difference.
And if that wasn't stressful enough... I failed my driving test today... very badly... *Le sigh*
I just want this whole rigamorale to be over...
This is the biggest decision of our lives in some respects, we're not just buying a house we're buying a home that we plan to live in for 20/30 years, where we will raise our family and grow older and enjoy good times in our life. Usually (and from rereading that) it would seem like alarm bells from the situation I have described, but at the same time it's my perception of events and I could be doing things myself that I don't realise.
I'm just used to him being the single most supportive, helpful and caring person in the world and I guess the stress is making both of us a little crazy. He's always been a bit low on himself, he's not particularly confident and he hasn't had as much "life experience" as me. I get the impression he's still expecting the wheels to come of with us and might be subconsciously trying to aggravate the situation to see the reaction. I don't know, I can only speculate but I can honestly say, in my heart of hearts everything is still right... I just need him to focus and do a bit of the admin!
Thank you though
Sadly not, we live with his dad and I cannot live here anymore... it's doing my head in! No privacy, no nothing... if anything that's probably where a lot of the frustration is coming form.
It seems like your OH might be struggling with a few things at the moment - which as you say makes him "just SO out of character" - for example;
- You mentioned his parents have separated
- He is seeing and hearing many different worrying stories about divorce as well the dividing of things/houses
- As well as barely sleeping due to his shift.
Perhaps there is more going on for him then the process of buying? You say he has never moved out of his dad's house and this whole situation might seem at the moment a bit too grown up - so he is therefore letting you deal with all the important things.
Undeniably this has been very hard on you. Having to deal with all this by yourself with the lack of his knowledge or support, must be very frustrating. However there is something nice about the fact that he seems to trust you 100% in handling these matters. However making him understand that you want to feel like this is as much your home as it is his needs to be clear beforehand.
It seems like the actual commitment of buying rather than the factual process could be affecting him. Helping him understand that you are not like those other wives that leave and that your relationship is not like his parents could make him see more clearly. Could this be something you could talk to him about?
They say moving house is one of the most stressful things in life. Working together and communicating as much as you can (about the buying and other things) will get you through this.