Life's shit sometimes

Former Member

So I'm at the hospital and kinda feel like it's the worst time I've had in a while and I've had some crap times the past few months. I'm alone now and I just can't stop crying and feeling bad for myself. I really just want to be crying all the time now but I can't somehow bring myself to show how low I'm feeling when I'm around people.

I really do want some emotional support but I constantly feel like I'm being a wuss and should man up. I had a tough pregnancy where I had to stop working over 2 months before the birth as I could barely walk. Then after birth it's a constant battle with pain and stuff until this week (6 weeks later) they discover a large abscess in my breast. Since then they keep sticking needles in it and each time it gets worse. Yesterday was the worst time ever, my partner hadn't arrived when they whisked me to a surgeon who did the procedure which was for the third time this week. I was alone there with him, a nurse and two interns and although I didn't cry the tears just wouldn't stop coming. Afterwards the surgeon tells me he'll look at me tomorrow (today) and that he might need to repeat this. I experienced a shock at that point and all I've managed to feel is dazed. Now I'm also really really scared and don't want to see him again.

After everything that's happened, I'd rather go through the birth all over again. At least that's a process that ended.

Baby is sleeping now and I know I should be using the opportunity as well but I just started crying. I've thought about asking if there's somebody I could talk to but I know I can't actually say it out loud because I'm always trying to be cheerful as if by fooling those around me I can fool myself. I also know that talking to somebody won't change anything regarding if they'll stab me some more or not so, like, it's pointless. :crying: Everybody here keeps telling me they're amazed I haven't given up breastfeeding and I know on some level that it's true but there's a big part of me that thinks I should be stronger than this and not be crying like a baby. I hate that part of me. :crying:

I just want all this bad stuff that keeps happening to me to end so I can start enjoy being on maternity leave with baby, you know, sleepless nights, changing diapers, holding him when he's screaming, smiling at him and him smiling back at me, all the "normal" stuff. :crying:

Former Member

Hugs.

I know how miserable being in hospital and having abscesses drained repeatedly can be, and that's without the preamble of a rough pregnancy or a baby to deal with. One thing to remember, that may or may not help this moment, but will is a nice straw to clutch at, is that the infection itself makes you feel extremely shit. As soon as your body starts winning on that one you'll feel miles better. Miles and miles. You'll still be knackered and feeling less than great, but infinitely better than when infection was in charge of your body. Don't underestimate the effect that bit has on all of you, and that includes inducing tears.

Talking to someone may not affect whether or not they'll stab you again, but if the nurses know that you're feeling fragile they can try and be more supportive. If you're fed up of feeling like 'Exhibit A - the one breast infection' then again, talking to the nurses/someone will help with that, seeing if they can cut down the number of interns you get surrounded by. Can make a big difference to how you feel.

Stating the obvious I know, but have you got music to listen to, magazines etc? Have you had a decent wash? Like a real shower (or as very best you can), wash your hair, nice conditioner, blow dry it, and a touch of make up on. Can be amazing transformation to your mind set while stuck in hospital. See if you can get your partner to bring in any of your standard day to day toiletries.

Former Member

Thank you for the reply, I appreciate it a lot.

I'm going to try to clean myself up today and see if it helps any. I thought I'd be able to wear my own clothes this time around but have been advised not to wear a bra. I also bleed on the clothes a lot so I'm wearing hospital garb which makes me feel that much more of a patient.

The doctors came in half an hour ago and told me they suspected I might be tortured again (my words, not theirs). They're really worried about the skin and don't feel I'm improving well enough so they might change the antibotics. I'll be here at least for another night.

I'm trying to tell people how I really feel more. Mom is coming after work today, she called and I told her this was ordeal was really tough on me. My partner is also on his way now, if they drain it again I'm not going to be alone again.

But hey, I just got a private room now with a tv. Small things, eh :thumb:

Former Member

i dont really have a lot to say but i just wanted to say poor you really. which isnt that helpful i know. but i hope it gets better for you soon so you can enjoy the time with your baby, you're really strong. it's okay to cry sometimes

Former Member

oh god you poor thing I had mastitis once which was bad enough, without it being anywhere near as bad as an abcess. Well done you for keeping on going. You must be feeling miserable

Former Member

Even if you can't wear all of your own clothes, there might be options like your own dressing gown, or jumper over the hospital stuff, or your own (nice) pants and comfy or PJ trousers instead of hospital ones. And socks, your own ones of those again. Sometimes the little things can make a world of difference.

On the breast feeding front, whatever you do, don't feel that your a failure if you need to stop for a bit. Breast feeding is great for kids, but what your little one needs is a mummy who can look after and care for him, and if that means swapping breast feeding for a better shot at recovering from this then so be it. Not saying that you should stop, but if it's likely to help then worth thinking about.

It's also ok to be a bit demanding and put your foot down a bit on having some idea of when you'll see the surgeon etc, so you have enough warning to have someone with you.

For the time being, if you haven't already got some and it's allowed, get someone to bring you in drinks/snacks you like. Not just grapes. Having a bottle of squash makes a surprising difference to skanky hospital jug water.

Former Member

I survived round four and got a good explanation as for why they can't sedate me more than they do. Maybe they won't need to do it tomorrow but I cried so much during the prcedure that a part of me thinks the doctor was just trying to give me hope.

Then I burst into tears talking to the midwife afterwards so she told me she'd watch over baby longer and we should go out for a drive or something. So we went and got ice cream. I feel better after it. The staff here is wonderful and obviously used to crying hysterical and hormonal women.

I'm in the same place as all the women who have just given birth are (in fact I'm now in the same room as when after I gave birth) so the rules are pretty lax regarding food and clothing. Me and blokey had chinese take-away today for example

But I have at least another two nights ahead of me. It's not all bad being here mind. I don't have to worry about laundry or cleaning my apartment.

Former Member

im really glad you're feeling a bit better you've been really brave

Former Member

Sounds like you had a slightly better day, glad you enjoyed going out for the drive. The little things can make a really big difference.

It's a really random idea, but you never know, if you do end up having to have the procedure again, would listening to loud music help? Used to be a great distraction for me when I was being poked. Just took my music player and headphones along. One worth asking about. You can still hold hands, be stroked by, get hugs etc off anyone who's with you, but good music can be an amazingly good distraction. Even if it's just one headphone in if you need to be able to answer questions.

What kind of sedation are you getting? If it's linked to a labour ward, there's a slim chance you could get some entonox/gas and air which does wonders for distressing procedures. Cloud 9 and wears off afterwards in minutes.

Former Member

I may not need to have my breast stabbed anymore. Really praying for that!! But they agreed to prescribe me something for the anxiety if I have to go again. The thought of going again has been really fucking me up and I had a very bad experience yesterday which ended more happily as ultrasound showed nothing so no procedure needed. We just had some nasty surprises going to the ultrasound and having gotten the "anxiety pill" beforehand I think it prevented me from a breakdown.

However, the infection area got larger overnight so I won't be going home just yet and have a new antibiotic. But as long as I don't need to be tortured anymore I'll be over the moon!