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Depressed girlfriend what can I do?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
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If you can support her in taking her meds and getting the help she needs you're doing great. Don't underestimate just how great it feels for someone to just be there, to be accepting of you regardless of your problems.
Boy has tried to do this recently and I've been getting all flustered going, 'I don't make promises I don't know if I can keep'. It's ok to not be happy about it when she does it, as long as that comes with a hug and a 'you dafty, what did you go and do that for?' rather than, 'jesus, what the fuck did you do that for?'
Also this. Not understanding doesn't mean you can't be supportive and helpful. From experience, it's actually sometimes the case that the people who DON'T understand but want to that are the most helpful.
Edit: Also, when did you change species?! Can I start calling you Monkupine?
I think AR has said it all really. And remember to look after yourself. Don't take it personally if she does get really depressed and nothing you do seems to help her.
Also, don't make promises you can't keep. The most common is, "call me any time". It's OK to say you'll take if she calls when you're free but I've lost count of the number of people who've been theoretically very sympathetic and persuaded me to phone them when I feel bad or want to self-harm or whatever, and then either yell at me or go to pieces when I eventually get the courage to phone in a bit of a state.
But you sound like you're being awesome at the moment by just sticking by her, so well done; and well done for getting support for yourself, because that will make you stronger for her.
Just a quick aside: you know you CAN call me any time, right? Even if you just leave a voicemail I will sneaky up to the loo and call you back and stuff. I always leave my phone on at night for such eventualities
That made me smile. I'll try to remember that, and it goes likewise.
Promises - Right promises seems big, I promise stupid stuff and I'll make sure I don't promise stuff that I can't keep from now on. Thanks!
Self Harm - I'm pretty sure she doesn't but it is something that concerns me a lot. I used to do it myself, but haven't for a long time, I have also had partners + good friends who have self harmed and attempted suicide. I don't want to ask her, but it is something that has gone through my head ALOT recently.
Supportive - I'm trying my best to be supportive and not making her talk to me when she doesn't want to. I've told her to tell me to "f**k off" when she wants me to. I get worried really easily so have been texting her a lot just asking her to tell me how she is.
Help - She is getting professional help, and her mother is a doctor, she has seen some more people today and says she doesn't know how to explain what they said. She's also finding it very hard to explain how she feels. When she was really bad on Sunday I got her to simply give me any words that comes to mind about how she feels then ask her more questions about each one so she can put this down in writing (which she has been asked to do this by the people she is seeing).
Being there - I try to be there for her whenever I can, but with university and St John Ambulance commitments it can be hard. I have told her I will not be able to answer her calls at all times but told her to text me that she wants to call and I will do everything I can to talk to her. I would love to go with her when she is getting help, but live too far away. I have however told her if there is anything big that I can come down to go with her.
Talking about other things - When she is bad and can't stop crying this is the only thing I can find to calm her down. It's hard to find random distracting things to talk about, on Sunday I spent two hours on the phone to her, getting her to tell me about travelling she wants to do, where she would go and what she would see. This worked really well and stopped her from crying and stressing.
A big problem she has is that when she's feeling down, she makes herself feel worse by continuously thinking and talking about stuff like "I wish I were happy" and things like that, the only thing I can do is distract her. She also seems to get particularly upset about me, she either gets upset about the fact that she knows I'm going to worry about her, she gets worked up because we can't see eachother or she gets really scared that I am going to get sick of it. I try to reassure her about each of these, but she still worries.
She's constantly thanking me for being there and understanding, and she tells me I'm too nice to her. But sometimes I just feel like being with me is just making her worse.
I was supposed to be seeing her this weekend but she has too much work to do. I really want to see her and try to distract her by taking her somewhere fun, but now I can’t.
*is still going to call you Monkupine
this has been the killer for me. people telling me that its ok to call them whenever and it justs ends in crisis and disaster coz they freak out more than i do.
sounds like you're doing a good job
I feel stupid and quite selfish for getting upset myself, especially as I don't have to go through anything like they are.
Thanks again for your help guys.
I've found this too. A friend said that he would talk to me if I need to talk and he wasn't busy. After a few months, he admitted that he doesn't trust me (he said that last year too) and felt as though he couldn't deal with my behaviour.
You have just as much right to get upset when you know that someone close to you is hurting. It's very difficult (from experience) to be strong for somebody else when the fact that they are upset is upsetting for you. It's not selfish to sometimes say, 'I'm sorry, but I need to take a day out for myself', especially if you have multiple people who are coming to you. It also won't be helping the whole being unwell thing (I HOPE YOU GOT THAT SOUP YOUNG MAN), because stress is a bugger for fucking with your immune system and all that shit.
Take a day for yourself. Turn your phone off (tell her first, though, so she doesn't worry), stay in bed for a day watching crap TV and eating ice cream.
Please don't feel bad - it's no good for her if you're not looking after yourself.
:yes: A friend said this too. He said he found he was getting frustrated because a) he needed space, b) he couldn't deal with me and how I was being towards him (he explained that he was having his own problems and couldn't deal with me at the same time) and c) because he'd told me to do stuff (more for my benefit than him deciding he couldn't be bothered to help me) and I'd refused.
I can't, not when she's like this. It's getting to me, but I can deal with it. The only reason she got out of bed this morning was because I told her I would get on a train and force her out of bed if she didn't.
She's got her mum there, but most of her friends are.... not the most understanding of people so I don't think she can talk to them about it. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to show the friends that she can talk to that she is like this. So other than her mum, I'm the only person she can really talk to.
If I get to the point where I'm getting real bad, I will do that though.
Thanks.
*hug*