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Poem... 'leave me'

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
i wrote this last night.. heres a link to my thread about it all..
could be triggering.

http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showthread.php?t=146732

guilt rips through me
like the blade to my skin
as her cries pierce the air
along with my heart

and through my silence
i scream
because i cant do it
fight this fight, any longer

my blank gaze annoys you.
but ive felt so much pain
ive learnt to show no emotion
and avoid the pity

yet in this moment
i let some trickle out
with the tears that trickle
down my cheeks

as i savour our last chance
until the day i will be free
which seems so distant
i wonder

will i make it?
as more dark
black times
stare me in the face

how i remain i strong
i do not know
i expect to breakdown soon
as i so desperatley want

to turn to a knife
or something sharp
maybe a drink, even a drug
i feel so desperate, right now

slowly the strength is seeping
out of me
i sit on the stairs in silence
listening

too scared too look
and find my grandmother
or feel the joy to see, she is ok
yet the disappointment in me
painted across her face

after 40 minutes
sat shaking
the phone rings

i hear my grandmother pick up
and know the worst
i cannot hear the conversation
and still, im too scared to enter

i return to my room
and banish all emotion
whilst i try to ignore
the thoughts in my mind.

my sister murmurs in her sleep
i walk in and stroke her hair
check shes ok
after her nightmare

and as she falls asleep again
i kiss her cheek
and leave behind a tear

i walk out silently
lest she know tonight
and worry,
like me.

but the selfish part of me
wishes her to know
so that
maybe i could

let her in my room
hold her close and comfort her
and feel i have some use
after causing all this

Me,
the Heartless Bitch

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