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getting on with life...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
*TRIGGERING*
well, where to start.
firstly -i havent cut in 3 weeks. But its taken a lot of restraint, i dont know how much longer i will last.
recently.... ive been holding back, hiding away.. and not letting things out so much. Not even posting on here.
so firstly..... i have actually been quite cheerful last thurs/fri as me and my bf (of 2 yrs -ish) have been discussing the idea of getting our own place in the next couple of years. Okay so it a sort of pipe-dream at the moment, but we would have done it eventually i think, we were being realistic. My mum knows nothing about this, but for some unspoken reason, has forbidden me to ever see / contact him again. I know that if i attempt to do this behind her back, she will find out, as she goes through my things, my phone, school bag etc. regularly. Also, i left my netbook unattended in my bedroom when i went to the loo the other day and came back to find her reading my conversations.I know everybody says, "she just cares about you and wants to knows whats wrong." But ive spoken to her about how this makes me feel so many times.every time she promises not to do it again and i promise i will talk to her if i have problems. She breaks her promise, whilst i try my hardest to keep mine.
Yesterday there was a huge argument between us, worse than usual. I say that, but i didnt really argue back, lately ive learnt to show no emotion and feel little emotion. This help me keep my temper, and eventually i walked out the room, after she had stopped screaming at me. I kept thinking of finding somethign sharp, or the alcohol in the cupboard.. i even thought of stealing some of my stepdads baccy, although ive never smoked before. I also was incredibly tempted to pack a bag and walk out.
Mum was in a bit of pain, but i put it down as cramps or something like that. So .. i was shocked 2 hours later when my stepdad came into my room and told me that my gran was on her way over as he was taking my mum to hospital. Nobody explained anything... they treated me like my 7 yr old sister. I still have had no explanation. Ive only over heard her tell my sister shes being 'affected by stress' whilst glaring at me. Back to last night..... i was up crying for hours.. my parents got back around midnight, my mum looked into my room and, although obvious to me, she was in some serious pain , she managed to start shouting and screaming at me for still being awake. Just to say, i over dramatise and over react to everything, i had thoughts of losing my mum running through my mind all night. But my mum didnt think i cared at all, despite me sitting in a pile of tissues, with a fairly damp towel in my hands. (i gave up on tissues n grabbed a towel at some point) After that i stayed up crying until around 3 am.. and then was woken up when my stepdad left for work at 6, so got little sleep.
Today at school, i tried to talk to my teacher, but she was busy all day - which i totally understand. She told me to go to the CPO though, and i bumped into her in the corridor. She had a go at me for texting my teacher again - which i admit i shouldnt be doing, and i do feel guilty about it, i know im not making anythign easy for her and im reallly really trying to dsitance myself a little more.. but at the time i felt it the 'better of two evils' as i was feeling incrediblyy low over the weekend. I told the CPO this, but she ignored me completely, and also the fact that i was breaking down in tears. She just walked off and left me. After this i walked around in a bit of a daze. I eventually bumped into my friend on the stairs.. i carried on past expeting and wanting her to follow. (sounds selfish, but it not meant that way) She was a bit behind me, and said something... i cant remember what, i turned around and shouted "Whats the fucking point anymore!?!" then turned the corner n started headbutting the wall. i went back round the corner after i heard her storm off and was crying, totally in pieces, just staring out the window. I spent the rest of my breaktime there, thinking of the amounts of pills on the table, (which mum got form hospital) thinking of the sharp blade on my stepdads desk, and using it in the bath... wishing that window would disappear and i could fall to the concrete outside. (i was about 4 floors up)
My friends are there for me and are amazing.. But i guess, i AM just a child still. I need the comfort of adults.... and i feel like the only two who have shown me caring and loyalty.....like im losing them.
i guess.....this is my cry for help, finally. I just cant voice it at the moment.
Please..... how can i go on from here?? All i see is things getting worse.
well, where to start.
firstly -i havent cut in 3 weeks. But its taken a lot of restraint, i dont know how much longer i will last.
recently.... ive been holding back, hiding away.. and not letting things out so much. Not even posting on here.
so firstly..... i have actually been quite cheerful last thurs/fri as me and my bf (of 2 yrs -ish) have been discussing the idea of getting our own place in the next couple of years. Okay so it a sort of pipe-dream at the moment, but we would have done it eventually i think, we were being realistic. My mum knows nothing about this, but for some unspoken reason, has forbidden me to ever see / contact him again. I know that if i attempt to do this behind her back, she will find out, as she goes through my things, my phone, school bag etc. regularly. Also, i left my netbook unattended in my bedroom when i went to the loo the other day and came back to find her reading my conversations.I know everybody says, "she just cares about you and wants to knows whats wrong." But ive spoken to her about how this makes me feel so many times.every time she promises not to do it again and i promise i will talk to her if i have problems. She breaks her promise, whilst i try my hardest to keep mine.
Yesterday there was a huge argument between us, worse than usual. I say that, but i didnt really argue back, lately ive learnt to show no emotion and feel little emotion. This help me keep my temper, and eventually i walked out the room, after she had stopped screaming at me. I kept thinking of finding somethign sharp, or the alcohol in the cupboard.. i even thought of stealing some of my stepdads baccy, although ive never smoked before. I also was incredibly tempted to pack a bag and walk out.
Mum was in a bit of pain, but i put it down as cramps or something like that. So .. i was shocked 2 hours later when my stepdad came into my room and told me that my gran was on her way over as he was taking my mum to hospital. Nobody explained anything... they treated me like my 7 yr old sister. I still have had no explanation. Ive only over heard her tell my sister shes being 'affected by stress' whilst glaring at me. Back to last night..... i was up crying for hours.. my parents got back around midnight, my mum looked into my room and, although obvious to me, she was in some serious pain , she managed to start shouting and screaming at me for still being awake. Just to say, i over dramatise and over react to everything, i had thoughts of losing my mum running through my mind all night. But my mum didnt think i cared at all, despite me sitting in a pile of tissues, with a fairly damp towel in my hands. (i gave up on tissues n grabbed a towel at some point) After that i stayed up crying until around 3 am.. and then was woken up when my stepdad left for work at 6, so got little sleep.
Today at school, i tried to talk to my teacher, but she was busy all day - which i totally understand. She told me to go to the CPO though, and i bumped into her in the corridor. She had a go at me for texting my teacher again - which i admit i shouldnt be doing, and i do feel guilty about it, i know im not making anythign easy for her and im reallly really trying to dsitance myself a little more.. but at the time i felt it the 'better of two evils' as i was feeling incrediblyy low over the weekend. I told the CPO this, but she ignored me completely, and also the fact that i was breaking down in tears. She just walked off and left me. After this i walked around in a bit of a daze. I eventually bumped into my friend on the stairs.. i carried on past expeting and wanting her to follow. (sounds selfish, but it not meant that way) She was a bit behind me, and said something... i cant remember what, i turned around and shouted "Whats the fucking point anymore!?!" then turned the corner n started headbutting the wall. i went back round the corner after i heard her storm off and was crying, totally in pieces, just staring out the window. I spent the rest of my breaktime there, thinking of the amounts of pills on the table, (which mum got form hospital) thinking of the sharp blade on my stepdads desk, and using it in the bath... wishing that window would disappear and i could fall to the concrete outside. (i was about 4 floors up)
My friends are there for me and are amazing.. But i guess, i AM just a child still. I need the comfort of adults.... and i feel like the only two who have shown me caring and loyalty.....like im losing them.
i guess.....this is my cry for help, finally. I just cant voice it at the moment.
Please..... how can i go on from here?? All i see is things getting worse.
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Comments
Wow there's so much in your post its hard to know where to start - sounds like there is a lot going on for you and that is overwhelming. I'm so sorry to hear how hard things are for you and your family right now.
Its really brave of you to admit that you are struggling at the moment and you need some support. So great that you are posting here again - your posts are always welcome, it doesn't matter if you are 'making progress' or are feeling stuck in a childlike mode. This community is here for you.
It might also be helpful to think about others who can help you thru the night (I don't know how you get on with helplines like SAMS or childline?)
and definitely sounds like its worth making some time with the CPO and your teacher this week at school.
Keep posting here to let us know how you are and take care :wave:
I guess, even though you had a bad experience with your CPO it may be worth going back to speak to them again. Maybe you caught them at an inconvenient time (although that shouldn't explain how they acted towards you). But I guess they are only human too at the end of the day.
Have you tried talking to your mum since she came home from the hospital?
Hope you get a good sleep tonight x
How about seeing if you can arrange a proper meeting with the CPO, and delete your teachers number.
although me and mum havent really spoken, we seem to be getting on better.. but at the moment im just trying to make sure shes okay...
although almost punching my little sister probably isn't much help. This morning she was being.. very selfish laying aorund expecting me to sort otu her stuff for school.. She kept screaming/shouting n kicking me. Mum started shouting at her, from upstairs, so i turned to my sister and said quietly but nicely (so mum wouldnt hear) "do u not care that mums really ill?" and she said no.
This hass been really really bugging me all day
At the moment im giving myself time to calm down, and if i do see the CPO again i dont know how i will feel about talking to her.
been a bad day again, although things are looking up school-wise with my grades etc.
thanks again everyone. x
Good to hear you focusing on the positives when there seems to be so much going on for you. Your grades at school will help build for your future, so well done for doing so well!
As your sister is 7, she's likely to act selfishly and say what she did. It might be that she doesn't really understand what is going on...
Good luck if you do decide to speak to the CPO again, as others have said, it might be worth giving it another go.
Take care and keep posting.
things are okay.. theres been nothing bad happen or anything i can complain about i just feel really odd.
i guess i mean.... i still wish i would die.
i dont want to kill myself, i just want it to end..
im happy to work through each day but i still wish and hope the next one will be the day i finally get to die.
im okay that im still living, but i wish and wish that i will die soon.
its really confusing me
still sounds pretty gloomy to me
and very tiring for you to go through all of this - no wonder you dont have much enthusiasm for life right now.
what helps with your energy levels? sometimes the basics - sleep, good food, gentle exercise, fresh air, having fun with friends etc can really make the difference...can you fit these in along with your school work?
i think you deserve a treat or two right now :thumb:
Let us know how you go :wave:
still feeling this way although not xactly low? im managing to smile and laugh and they not be fake..
ive re-joined the choir which i quit just beore things started going 'down-hill' for me. Cant remember why i quit ...
its keeping me happy but otherwise im not doing much..
i will try again tomorrow, but not quite sure what im going to say.
Okay , never got round to updating you all on this
in the end i sent her an email.. with some stuff out of this, as i didnt know how to voice it really... and i wouldnt be saying it to her face.
I bumped into her the next day, and since the refferal to CAMHS is going absolutley no where im getting a school counsellor - hopefully next week.
Things are looking up i guess.... there was a realy rough night with my mum and i got very low, cut deeper than i have before... and then 2 night later she saw them
Let us know how it goes with the counsellor
dp