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In a ru, really down...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi Ive posted before about this situation but now it has gotten worse. I liked this girl on my course and we had our arguments as it got awkward. I felt that she was being very ignorant to me and extremly evasive and defensive when I mentioned anything outside of uni to her. After the arguments it was awkward, but then it went back to being pleasent again. I have persisted so much with this girl I completly regret it now. We both sit with the same group of people and all of them know about the situation and what has gone on as I have told them. It has got to a point where it is very intense, the girl I like has said over facebook she expects me to act civil as we may see each other in uni but other than that she wants nothing to do with me and not to contact her anymore. I deleted her off facebook, but tried to add her again. I am very miserable when I am in uni now as the girl I like is extremly popular and I feel left out. Today the girl could not even look at me, it makes me feel awful as I was just trying to set things right. I do not know what to do now when I go to lectures, say if there is a space and its by the girl I like. I feel left out as the people on my course really like her, I live at home they all live in the city centre so go out and occasionally meet up. They are going out tomorrow for a persons birthday. I don't know what to do now as I feel so upset due to the fact she said she wants nothing to do with me after I was only trying to make things right. I got on best with the girl I her. It is horrible when I go to university now.
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She might have been quite annoyed at what she could have seen as persistent unwanted attention. I'm sure you will get over her in the long run.
Unrequited love is painful, I think most of us have been there, but you need to get over it. You might love her but she doesn't love you and the sooner you accept that the better. For God's sake give her the distance that she's demanding of you before you get accused of stalking her.
It will be awkward if you share a social circle, but to answer your question about how to deal with her at university, it's really bloody simple. Don't go near her and don't stare at her from across the lecture hall. Most lecture halls are big enough to not need to sit near her so don't sit near her.
Alls I am trying to say on this forum is that I know I did wrong by not giving her the space and am upset about that as it has resulted in her wanting nothing to do with me. I just think I did nothing wrong by trying to correct the situation, persissted yes, but nothing nasty or aggressive.
It is very hard now as I see her with others and its rubbish....I am dreading graduation.
The unrequited love thing is tough, i've been there more times than anyone should be! Have come to learn it's easy to think there is something you can do or say to magically make them see you differently (or at all) but it's just not true.
Do as she asks and leave her alone, doing anything else is in truth just making it worse.
I'm not going to sugar coat my advice because other people have done it on your other threads and it clearly hasn't worked. If she's asked you to leave her alone then you leave her alone- you don't sit next to her in class, you don't stare at her in class, you don't try to manufacture situations where you can be near her and "try and put things right". It's
really that simple.
You can share a social circle with her without being a stalker. People will still talk to you providing you leave her alone. People will only think of you as a creepy weirdo if you don't get the hint and don't leave her alone.
It isn't a case of "kicking you when you're down", I've been in a situation where a girl I loved didn't love me back and it did make school very awkward. But the easiest and best way of dealing with the awkwardness was to stay away from her and NOT spend every minute following her around like a sex pest.
I have spoke to a person off my course about it and they were really understanding and said I should not sit by them just because of this girl. They have said I should just sit with my mates as normal regardless.
And needy yes I am not going to intiate anything with her anymore.
If it's not the advice you want, then what do you want to hear?
I do not want to be branded something I am not.
I dont think anybody actually branded you as anything, all they have said is that your behaviour in the past (if you carried it on) would possibly make you appear to be something.
I was clear further up that you can share a social circle with her without it being an issue. You can have mutual friends without being a weirdo. You just keep space and don't engineer things to be right next to her all the time. Lecture halls are big enough so that you can sit with your friends without having to be sat next to her or even near her.
The way you come across, though, makes me think that you only want to sit with these people because you want to be near her. Whether that's because you still haven't accepted that she wants nothing to do with you or whether that's because you want her to feel awkward or uncomfortable only you can answer.
It can be seen by some people as harassment.
Whilst AR may come across as blunt, he does have a point.
Which could be seen as stalking and /or harassment. The best thing you could've done is leave her alone and let her contact you when she's ready.
And he gave you that advice. It doesn't mean that, provided that you don't sit near her too much and aren't there just because she is.
It was an assessment on your behaviour and IMHO pretty much spot on.
Good luck, but remember that this type of behaviour is pretty upsetting for the person on the receiving end too and you don't seem to have realised that yet.
Melian yes my behaviour even to me could have come across as harassing I am just regretting doing what I have done.
Slartibartfast when things got awkward between us that is the only time I persisted. I have never constantly texted or rang her, or even stared at her. Like I said I often avoided her, even when she was trying to be nice to me.
You clearly didn't get on with her best otherwise she wouldn't have told you to never speak to her. Equally, you SHOULD have deleted her off Facebook the second she told you that she didn't want to speak with you anymore.
You sit somewhere else and make a point of doing so, it's really not rocket science. You can smile and wave at the other people and speak to them after class.
It worries me that you don't seem to get how inappropriate your behaviour is and how badly it can be construed by other people. You still seem obsessed by this other girl and you need to give yourself the space to get over her, because get over her you must. The way you're going you'll be up on a harassment charge.
Yes I am going to admit that, thats why I said I have put all my effort into her. However I do make an effort with the others and speak to them.
Arctic roll this has gone on for the duration. I am in my third year and we got on well until I mentioned stuff and then it came to this. Her saying she wants nothing to do with me happened recently not last year or last month, last week. That is when I deleted her.
I am sorry for being smitten with someone and I do not want to bother them anymore. I am going to leave her alone and respect her. I just didn't want to be left out of the group because of this. Arctic Roll, I have said I was in the wrong so if the only thing you have to say is I am going to be a sex pest or charged with harassment I do not want to hear your opinion.
First of all there is no need for all this negativity and bad responses. Can i please ask people to be sensitive and respectful to every situation - people are allowed to vent after all!
Airbus84, you mentioned and admitted perhaps your reaction to her rejection made you do things you regret and perhaps you persisted too much. This obviously upsets you a lot and the way she reacted at first did not seem nice. However this is what happened and perhaps it is time to widen your options. Do you think you could learn to be more comfortable with this group of friends even when she is there? Perhaps you could ignore her like she ignores you and not give her attention, and then maybe in time you will both get back to being around each other in a group without feeling awkward?
Unrequited love is hard, especially as you were friends before you told her, and it is even harder when it had to involve all your group of friends. It is understandable you feel left out, yet if you show them you are ok with the situation now, perhaps they will also feel better about it. Have a look at this answer from Askthesite which can also help.
On the other hand, why not explore other groups of friends?
*hug*
I could understand peoples comments if the above were not true.
I am going to ignore her and try and get on with the other people best I can.
As the title of the thread suggests I am in a rut with this situation. My confidence is low and I am feeling extremely sorry for myself and I have to change this.
Your behaviour has obviously been inappropriate for a significant period of time for the girl to react as she did. The fact that you don't seem to understand this is a great concern to me, because you will end up making your situation worse. I work in a University and I've seen students kicked out for stalking girls and, often, they don't seem to realise that they've done anything wrong. They were "just trying to explain the situation" right up until they were permanently excluded. I'd hate for the same thing to happen to you.
Unrequited love sucks but you need to get the hint and move on, and I'm really not convinced that you are doing. You're obsessing about when you'll sit by her and when you'll see her rather than understanding she is not in your life anymore. It isn't a case of "ignoring" her, it's a case of understanding that she isn't in your life at all and is a stranger. You don't "ignore" strangers, you don't "ignore" the people in your class you're not friends with, you simply just don't interact with them. You need to understand this sooner rather than later. And you seriously need to lose the victim complex because it isn't going to do you any favours- people are not out to get you and they're not bullying you.
Perhaps it's time to stop dwelling on what's happened if you can? You've acknowledged that you didn't do things in the best way - but what's done is done now. Unfortunately you can't change it but what you can have some control over is how you move forward now from here and that's really important.
It's all still fairly fresh so as you said, keeping your distance from her for a while sounds like it might help things to calm down and will also help you to get over her. It can't be easy the way things have turned out.
Perhaps you could meet up with some of your other friends outside of classes so you don't feel left out? Let them know you're aware it's a bit awkward at the moment but you're doing your best to make things right.
If the friendship group is strong then there's no reason why everyone won't move on so try not to worry. Over-thinking possible scenarios will only make you more anxious so try and just take it as it comes. If you're really worried then perhaps just make sure you're early for classes and can chose where you sit and leave the rest up to everyone else?
It won't be like this forever *hug* Have you got any other interests or mates you could meet up with? It sounds like you need a bit of cheering up and some distraction maybe?
Yes I have made the others off my course aware of it, they seem fine with it and just said come in as normal. That they are my friends aswell so I can still sit with them regardless.
After uni I really want to travel a bit, meet new people, just get away for a bit.