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A situation I need some advice/insite on..Please?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I pretty much just want some general views about my situation. Ive asked a few friends their views:


Heres the background information- Im 18, my ex is turning 19 in May. Anyway we were dating for about two months, in those two months we were very serious. He has an ex girlfriend that he dated for about two years. She currently lives in California for college. They broke up because she had sex with someonelse while they were together. He says because he had emotionally left her previously in the relationship. (still n excuse to cheat) anyway, that was in may. I guess they eventually decided to still be cool. I just got with him in Janurary. I dont think they talked often, as a matter of fact I know they didnt talk at all while him and I were dating, until recently when he wished her a happy birthday.

He knew that I would never be comfortable with him talking to her on a regular basis, or other girls,as a matter of fact. an ex is an ex for a reason. And he respected that and didnt have much desire to talk to her. Now dont get me wrong, she is a very pretty girl, quite narcissitic, but I am also a pretty gir.

The past week before last friday, we werent really getting along that well. reasons were because I was starting to get upset for small reasons, because i thought i could. lol. but by this time the control had switched anyway and all he'd do is become annoyed with me, where as before hed beg for my attenton etc. anyway, last friday we were on the phone and i happened to goto his ex's page (we arent friends on the book, it was just open) and she posted a status. saying "all stalkers, get the **** on" and he commented

"stop talking about yourself." from there on, she commented back "*GASP* shuttt uppp dont put me on blasstt! And sorry about thee ovoo date . I`ve been sleepin n workin . We can do it tomorrow when im off . I think i can do it off my Ipod :-)"

him- "Too late! N its kool I wasn't trippin, but yeah you actually can do it on the pod."

she replies- "ok text it soon cuz we gotta talk=p"
and he replied, will do.

Ok so after readng this i obviously was disturbed an I strongly feel like, why r u tryin to ovo (skype) your ex all of a sudden? WHO cheated on u? she lives all the way in cali!! i mean really, that makes no sense. Who in their right mind would risk their relationship like that.

anyway, as much as i wanted to go offright there, i waited. i decided id do it in person when i saw him the next day. unfortunately i couldnt holdit in. so, hewas at work that night so i knew i could not call, or text him, soooo i posted on his facebook wall. he needed to be put on blast about his behavior. i said:

"I see you feel its necessary to start OoVoo 'ing your ex girlfriend, whose ALL the way in California. lmao. Commenting, and liking her pictures and status's.. oh and texting watever it is you two have to 'talk about.' And now she got the nerve to send ME a friend request...no. I hope the whole thing was worth it. You think you slick cuz its on her page and i couldnt see it. i guess you thought you had this all together..but you slipped. Well guess what. You showed your true character and how much you valued our relationship. Am i angry...naw. Just dissappointed."

i posted that at about 1 a.m. he gets off work at 2. idk when exactly he checked his fb, but i doknow i texted him at about 130 am to say, when u get a chance, u should check ur fb.

expecting a long, text, call of an explanation didntexactly happen. instead his ex decided to butt in and comment. it was none of her business but she did and we went back in forth for a few posts. anyway,
the next morning i recieved atext from him saying "(my name) i cant believe you right now. dont talk to me for awhile. bye"

i was in shock, in shock that he had the nerve to be upset...at ME. anyway, i didnt reply. and i havent contacted him since last friday, and he hast contacted me. today is friday. the most remorse ive seen from him was the night after we broke up. he posted a status that said "Didnt wanna cry. ****!" ..and thats it. (dont know why he was crying, he did this)

I just wants some opinions on the way I Handled it, the way he did, and why he reacted the way he did. thanks
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Damn.

    Poor bloke.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *phew* there's a lot there.

    I think the reason he's mad at you is because you didn't have the decency to approach him in private, and that it must look to him like you were checking up on him. I have to say, I'd be pretty angry in his shoes.

    Why should he not talk to his ex? Lots of people stay friends with their exes. I'm not particularly close to mine but we exchange Fb messages occasionally.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im confused. u shat all over ur bf of about 3months fb page coz he spoke to an ex? so u public humiliated him before he had a chance to explain/give context and now ur pissed off he hasn't got in touch? have i got it right?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    an ex is an ex for a reason.

    ... in your case because you publicly humiliated him. I sounds like the reason for that was your own insecurity - he was talking to his ex, so what?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, if you really think about it... why now? i mean why all of a sudden did he feel the need or to start video chatting? honestly, texting every once in awhile, is some form of communication which i think is cool between ex's. But communicating via video chat? thats my primary issue. Its not about insecurity, its about me not knowing what they could be doing. maybe its not his intention, but that could easily turn into an emotional affair over time. I really feel that by ovo'ing with her, that he was disrespecting me. He knew i wouldnt be down with that. Especially to someone who cheated on you, and lives ALL THE WAY in cali, when we live in michigan. whats the point? what do u have to talk about that u cant do thru text.

    If theres anything i regret, its maybe putting it on his wall. However, he was at work, so i coukd not call or text him about it...

    Whether or not i put it on his wall, or asked him about it personally i really dont know if his reaction would have been any dfferent.

    did it sound like i broke up wth him when i wrote that? i was basically just telling him how i feel. i expected him to be upset, but to be callling or texting to atleast console me about it and try to explain himself. not just turn it around on me and tell me not to talk to him for awhile..he was in the wrong..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    piccolo wrote: »
    *phew* there's a lot there.

    I think the reason he's mad at you is because you didn't have the decency to approach him in private, and that it must look to him like you were checking up on him. I have to say, I'd be pretty angry in his shoes.

    Why should he not talk to his ex? Lots of people stay friends with their exes. I'm not particularly close to mine but we exchange Fb messages occasionally.

    and yeah, i see what your saying. he was publicy humiliated, but for something he was doing. But did he really have the appropriate reaction? i was clearly upset, should he not have looked past his anger, and atleast called.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, if you really think about it... why now?

    What difference does "now" make?
    But communicating via video chat? thats my primary issue. Its not about insecurity, its about me not knowing what they could be doing.

    You contradict yourself there.

    What difference is video chat over any other form?
    However, he was at work, so i coukd not call or text him about it...

    I know this sounds weird but... erm... you could have waited until he wasn't at work?

    did it sound like i broke up wth him when i wrote that? i was basically just telling him how i feel. i expected him to be upset, but to be callling or texting to atleast console me about it and try to explain himself. not just turn it around on me and tell me not to talk to him for awhile..he was in the wrong..

    No he wasn't. You were pressing, controlling and you humiliated him. Consider yourself lucky if he talks to you again TBH
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What difference does "now" make?



    You contradict yourself there.

    What difference is video chat over any other form?



    I know this sounds weird but... erm... you could have waited until he wasn't at work?


    video chat meaning they are actuallly looking at each other, as much as i want to be like nawwww thats nothing, it could have very well turned into something. i could not put a blind eye to it. how long do u think it will take him to come around and talk to me?




    No he wasn't. You were pressing, controlling and you humiliated him. Consider yourself lucky if he talks to you again TBH




    and...how was i pressing ad controlling him? he knew i would not want him talking to her on a regular, let alone video chatting.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    and...how was i pressing ad controlling him? he knew i would not want him talking to her on a regular, let alone video chatting.

    The second sentence there ^^^^ is the answer to the first.

    You are telling him what he can and cannot do, why is that?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    video chat meaning they are actuallly looking at each other, as much as i want to be like nawwww thats nothing, it could have very well turned into something. i could not put a blind eye to it. how long do u think it will take him to come around and talk to me?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Given that you apparently don't trust him at all, I wouldn't be surprised if the answer to that question was, 'never ever ever'.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The second sentence there ^^^^ is the answer to the first.

    You are telling him what he can and cannot do, why is that?

    No, it wasnt controlling him, he knows those were the basic rules of our relationship, im pretty sure he would not have been happy to know that I was cideo-chatting my ex boyfriend. he probably would have handled it differently though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He can't look at Facebook at work either, he saw that when he would have seen a text message. It's hard not to believe you wanted his ex to see it as well.

    And, no, I don't think he should have called. I suspect if he called he would just have shouted at you.

    I'm afraid I do think you were in the wrong, the adult thing to do would have been to speak to him quietly about the role his ex plays in his life.

    Why does it matter particularly that it was video calling?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    piccolo wrote: »
    He can't look at Facebook at work either, he saw that when he would have seen a text message. It's hard not to believe you wanted his ex to see it as well.

    And, no, I don't think he should have called. I suspect if he called he would just have shouted at you.

    I'm afraid I do think you were in the wrong, the adult thing to do would have been to speak to him quietly about the role his ex plays in his life.

    Why does it matter particularly that it was video calling?

    video chat meaning they are actuallly looking at each other, as much as i want to be like nawwww thats nothing, it could have very well turned into something...whats the point of video calling, why didnt they just talk on the phone?

    can anyone see this situation, besides me posting it on his facebook wall....from my point of view?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Given that you apparently don't trust him at all, I wouldn't be surprised if the answer to that question was, 'never ever ever'.

    Another thing, "never ever ever" because i posted some shit on his wall, but he can become friends with, talk to, video chat and forgive someone who cheated on him??? the hell...? thats humiliating and if not humiliating, hurts a heck of alot more than me being upset and publicly voicing it.

    at first, ok your mad, u cry a little later. thats understandable. but after a week to think about it u cant get past the anger and talk it out for the relationship?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Another thing, "never ever ever" because i posted some shit on his wall, but he can become friends with, talk to, video chat and forgive someone who cheated on him??? the hell...? thats humiliating and if not humiliating, hurts a heck of alot more than me being upset and publicly voicing it.

    at first, ok your mad, u cry a little later. thats understandable. but after a week to think about it u cant get past the anger and talk it out for the relationship?

    I think you're very insecure in this relationship, and I don't honestly see him giving you reason to be.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    piccolo wrote: »
    He can't look at Facebook at work either, he saw that when he would have seen a text message. It's hard not to believe you wanted his ex to see it as well.

    And, no, I don't think he should have called. I suspect if he called he would just have shouted at you.

    I'm afraid I do think you were in the wrong, the adult thing to do would have been to speak to him quietly about the role his ex plays in his life.

    Why does it matter particularly that it was video calling?

    and i knew his ex would see it yes, its facebook....i knew everybody would see it. but it was not for her to see. i really did not care whether or not she saw it. But i definitely did think it was ridiculous that she friend requested me, and this was before i posted this on the wall. her reason for requesting meshe says because she thought i was "pretty." ...no, thats a bs reason. she was just trying to be nosey and see who her ex boyfriends new girlfriend was up to. thats real.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, it wasnt controlling him, he knows those were the basic rules of our relationship.

    You really enjoy contradicting yourself in the same sentence, don't you?

    Now, I actually can see where you are coming from because I am massively insecure myself, BUT...

    1. Your boyfriend is his own person, his actions are not controlled by you no matter how much you may want them to be, and therefore he can talk to whoever the hell he wants to.

    2. Being an ex doesn't automatically equal hatred. My most recent ex is currently one of my best friends in the world, and if my current Boy decided he didn't want me to talk to him ever again, I would tell him where to go.

    3. I would expect that he already knows what she bloody looks like, so it being a video chat is largely irrelevant.

    The point, here, is that you don't trust him and you're trying to blame that on him when he has done nothing wrong. You can't say, 'I posted it on his wall on FB because he wouldn't have been able to receive calls/texts' because even Facebook has an option to message people privately. You posted it on there because you knew she would see it as well and they would feel guilty for whatever it is you think they've done wrong.

    Clearly your plan has backfired and honestly, if I were in his shoes I would be counting my blessings right now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ^^^ This
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Damn..

    Soo than since im apparently in the wrong.....when would be an appropriate time to reach out/contact him? since we havent talked in a week...

    and is there any hope that he'll contact me in the next three weeks
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Damn..

    Soo than since im apparently in the wrong.....when would be an appropriate time to reach out/contact him? since we havent talked in a week...

    and is there any hope that he'll contact me in the next three weeks

    A week is a good cooling-off period. If you think you can handle what he might have to say (which could be a good deal harder to hear than what we've said, and I can see how we might have sounded harsh) then try to call him.

    If he doesn't answer, give it a day and maybe send an email or something.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    no there isn't. At best you could leave him a message, text voicemail or whatever apologising for what you did, for humiliating him and trying to control him and hope that he contacts u, but i wouldnt hold my breath.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Damn..

    Soo than since im apparently in the wrong.....when would be an appropriate time to reach out/contact him? since we havent talked in a week...

    and is there any hope that he'll contact me in the next three weeks

    I'd send him a message apologising, saying that you understand now why you were wrong to do what you did, that you understand that he doesn't want to talk right now and will wait until he's ready.

    Of course, should it turn out that the video chat turned into a wank fest then you would be better off rid anyway ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wel thanks for the harsh yet honest insight as to what you all feel.
    Im still pretty surprised no one could see my point of view at all, not even on being somehwhat upset and cautious. Seeing it did make me feel insecure about the relatioship, but im not an insecure person overall. And this is the first relationship where there was ever a trust issue crossed.

    And, even after reading these posts, i do feel that my approach to the situation was all wrong and that I could have asked him about it or brought it to his attention in the appropriate way. I still feel that even tho, it may not have been his intentions to cheat in any way, that it could become a bad situation. But i def regret approaching it the way i did. and in the end, thats really all i can apologize for.

    Im not one to reach out tho when i feel that i am not COMPLETLEY in the wrong...so i think ill wait it out a little longer.

    and even tho i humiliated him, i strongly feel that eventually, if somebody still even cares about bein with you, or atleast being friends that they'll reach out. at least within the next month...ANgry or not. I mean he forgave his cheating ex, right? (sigh).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I do think that knowing your wishes and ignoring them wasn't the best thing that he could do. The problem is that your reaction now overshadows that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I do think that knowing your wishes and ignoring them wasn't the best thing that he could do. The problem is that your reaction now overshadows that.

    this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I do think that knowing your wishes and ignoring them wasn't the best thing that he could do. The problem is that your reaction now overshadows that.

    Im sorry... i didnt understand that. What wishes and what about ignoring and my reaction? im confused can u explain.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh, i understand now, i read that wrong at first.


    btw did what i put on his wall sound like a break up message or just anger?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Im sorry... i didnt understand that. What wishes and what about ignoring and my reaction? im confused can u explain.

    It was thoughtless of him to speak to someone when he knew it would upset you. You cannot *force* him not to speak to her, but he should understand how you feel about it.

    However, the way you reacted actually ave him the moral high ground.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It was thoughtless of him to speak to someone when he knew it would upset you. You cannot *force* him not to speak to her, but he should understand how you feel about it.

    However, the way you reacted actually ave him the moral high ground.

    yeahhhh. smh.
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