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Im stuck.......

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all,

Im new to this site, hoping you can offer some advice please.

Ive been seeing my girlfriend for a year, and I love her to bits, we have lived together for about 6 months now, and have always had a good relationship.
My girlfriend was the victim of a horrific attack when she was a teenager, and is only now coming to terms with it and seeking help for it. I think as a result of this therapy, she has become violent and abusive, at the slightest of things, I have had drinks thrown at me, glasses thrown and smashed near my head, I have been punched, and when I tried to stop her punching me, I was spat at, I have had possessions of mine smashed, bleach poured on my clothes, all in the rage.
I am realy at a loose end, I completly understand that the help that she is getting is hard for her, but where does it stop?
I have had my bags packed once before, ready to move. But last time we made our peace, but it keeps happening again, I want to be there for her, but i dont know how much I can take............


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well it depends on the 'love her to bits' bit.

    If I was in your shoes I'd just walk away. Yea, skeletons in the closet can be hard to deal with, but you shouldn't be the brunt of it. Imagine if the situations were reversed and it was a guy with a troubled upbringing beating up his girlfriend all the time. There'd be people calling for him to be lynched.

    So I say get out, there are plenty of women out there who wont try and attack you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am sure that what happened to your girlfriend was horrendous, but no matter how bad her experience was it isn't acceptable to attack you and damage your possessions. You shouldn't allow her to use her past as an excuse or a reason for behaving so disgracefully. Her abuse doesn't give her a reason to abuse you, for that is what this is, domestic abuse. If you allow it continue she will continue and things will not change.

    People will put up with a lot for love, but I think you need to consider having a bit more space. If she is attacking you at home and destroying your things can either of you move into another flat? If you have the space it might give you the time to support her in getting better and dealing with her rage. If you can't get the space away from her then I'd be very worried about you staying in a relationship with her, because IMHO once people know they can get away with something they continue to act in that way.

    As it stands she knows she can get away with attacking you and taking her pain out on you, so will continue to do it. You need to put your foot down and put a stop to it. Moving out for a bit is probably the best way of doing that if you still want a relationship with her.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Marcus, welcome to TheSite :wave:

    It's really brave to speak up about what's been happening in your relationship, as you say, you love her to bits but this is not something you should have to endure. As Arctic roll says, people will put up with a lot for love but her abuse does not mean it's ok for her to abuse you - even though you may think to yourself she doesn't really mean it or that you know it's not really her.

    It's really positive she's seeking help for what happened to her but it may be that during this time it's better for both of you to have some space from one another? Do you think that might be possble?

    Have you talked to anyone else about what's been happening? If you want to talk to someone in confidence you might want to try the Men's Advice Line - a confidential service offering emotional and practical support for men experiencing domestic violence. You can call them on 0808 801 0327 or email them at info@mensadviceline.org.uk

    Remeber, none of this is your fault and of course you want to stand by the person you love. You made peace before and didn't leave but from what you've said things haven't changed. In order to save your relationship you might need to think about protecting yourself as well as the relationship in the long run. These incidents will always be there and take time to get over, do you think you can rebuild trust again?

    Do let us know how things are going and whatever you decide this is a safe place for you to talk. We won't judge you but we can do our best to offer support. Look after yourself *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's easy for me to say, but I would also walk away.

    Have you told her how you feel? I can understand that this could be hard with her snapping at very little but if you explain to her that you are at your wits end, she may see what's she's been doing and try to stop. If she has been doing this for a while, it will be hard for her to control her anger, but perhaps suggesting some kinda of anger management on top of her existing therapy may be a good idea.

    A word of warning, I have seen relationships where this kind of thing has happened and often the women will try and prevoke the male to "hit back". If this ever happens, take yourself out of the situation as soon as possible (stay with a friend etc), record the events and if she ever threatens to call the police, then it may be worth making your own report to the police stating the words she used.

    As mentioned above, remember to look after yourself. :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You should get out

    i'm with shyboy on this one you deserve better. You don't need to stick around just to get things thrown at you i say get out and you'll find someone new i promise things will get better even if you dont think it will now im positive it will eventually. :)
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