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dont know why i feel suicidal?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i am studying a good course at a good uni, have made good friends and have a nice boyfriend.

i keep going through stages of dissasociativeness, depression and anxiety...i cant identify why. i suffered with bad depression anxiety and self harm from the ages of 11-17..i thought i was past all of that but i cant seem to shake it.

its not terrible, not destroying my life, but it just seems to catch me and i just feel so out of it i think about killing myself. not because im in so much emotional pain just because..i feel kind of empty.

from the empty feeling i get anxious and stressed out and end up lashing out. since being at university i cut myself for the first time in 2 years, made myself sick for the fist time in about 3 years and beat myself up so badly everyone keeps asking about the bruises.

i dont know why i feel this way..i dont know what to do..

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im sorry that i cant really offer any advice, as im in a really similar place at the moment.....

    but reading that just made me feel a tiny bit better, knowing im not the only one who feels like this.

    sometiems to distract myself from it though, ill do something positiv and contsructive... if that helps at all.
    (for example, today i planted some tomato plant seeds...)

    *hug* hope things get better for you soon xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i_amjade wrote: »
    i dont know why i feel this way..i dont know what to do..

    See a GP or your uni counselling service as soon as you can.

    The uni counselling service will treat you in confidence, you don't need to worry about your tutors finding out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i_amjade wrote: »
    i am studying a good course at a good uni, have made good friends and have a nice boyfriend.

    i keep going through stages of dissasociativeness, depression and anxiety...i cant identify why. i suffered with bad depression anxiety and self harm from the ages of 11-17..i thought i was past all of that but i cant seem to shake it.

    its not terrible, not destroying my life, but it just seems to catch me and i just feel so out of it i think about killing myself. not because im in so much emotional pain just because..i feel kind of empty.

    from the empty feeling i get anxious and stressed out and end up lashing out. since being at university i cut myself for the first time in 2 years, made myself sick for the fist time in about 3 years and beat myself up so badly everyone keeps asking about the bruises.

    i dont know why i feel this way..i dont know what to do..

    You've got to hold on to the fact you went two years without self-harming and 3 years without purging.

    you said you felt empty. do you feel overwhelmed? i'm just wondering as it comes accross like you have alot going on with uni and possible pressure to stay 'stable' emotionally and mentally.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A person can seemingly have so many things 'on paper' and yet can still feel hugely empty. Often there is a 'something missing', some intangible element that you cannot define and that you end up constantly chasing. You seek it out, often in all the wrong places. When you aren't seeking it you are compensating for it by distracting yourself. Sometimes those distractions are positive, sometimes those distractions are very negative.

    If you identify with this at all then you are very similar to myself. I could have a million and one things and yet I'd still feel like I do, and I've searched for the missing link in every imaginable way and I've tried to distract myself from the emptiness in some seriously negative behaviours.

    The best conclusion that I have so far is that no tangible thing will ever be the answer to what is missing. More than that, no EXTERNAL thing will ever be the answer either. It's all contained within myself. Nothing is actually missing, it's all about my own perceptions and my own methods of coping and processing. I am very sure that counselling is the most likely way forward. I have dabbled with it on numerous occasions but have never stuck to it, mainly because I am overly sensitive and antagonistic at times.

    I would suggest that your case is not dissimilar to my own. I'm not talking about your personality, you might be hugely different to myself. I just feel that the answers to your issues are within yourself and will not come in the form of anything outside of that arena. You should seriously consider counselling.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Stu147; i can definatly identify with what you said. my past is full of so many kinds of self destruction, sh, drink, drugs, even when i am fine i always seem to have had something (working more than 60 hours a week, travelling, exerscising, even watching tv.) i feel like i go from one addiciton to another looking for something which i cant identify..and most likely never will.

    but the thing is..im happy well..ive been in the darkest places. i spent years wishing every day i was dead. i dont feel like that now. i feel okay, mostly good; but then i feel this emptyness; feel a need for something still.

    Councelling feels like a step back in the wrong direction for me...i dont feel like im bad enough for going back into the mentalhealth services...i just dont know anymore.
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