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paranoia
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Recently, I’ve been feeling incredibly paranoid. The smallest things freak me out and I’m worried about the most random things. When I go out, I think that someone is following me and listening in to every conversation that I have. At night I start panicking that my ceiling will fall down on me. Thinking about it now, I know that’s irrational but it’s got the stage where I’m lying in bed at night crying because I’m so scared that I’m going to get squashed by my ceiling. Whenever I do manage to get some sleep I have horrible dreams, usually involving a family member hurting me or someone cutting me open and stealing my unborn child whilst I sleep.
I know pregnancy and exhaustion cause irrational thoughts and mood swings, but I’m starting to be scared of myself. My emotions are pretty much on a 3 weekly cycle- week one being where I hit rock bottom and mentally and physically feel unable to go on; this usually results on me self harming, but I feel so low I’m unaware that I’m doing it. Week two (which is where I am now I think) is sort of middling. I’m okay, but small things upset me and I’m fighting the urges. Then week three I’m top of the world and so hyped up and feeling pretty much invincible. I’ll then hit rock bottom again. My midwife knows that I’ve struggled during pregnancy and I was eventually honest with her and explained that I was forced into sex by my ex, but she doesn’t know the extent to which these feelings have got.
I’m due in 9 weeks and as much as it hurts to say it, I don’t know if I can do it. I love my baby more than anything and haven’t ever felt such a strong desire to protect someone. But it’s because I love my baby so much that I’m starting to think that I have made the most enormous mistake. I can’t look after myself and therefore can’t look after a baby. She deserves a loving family who can be strong for her all the time. I don’t know if I can do that.
I’ve been a lot more honest in this than I had expected…
I know pregnancy and exhaustion cause irrational thoughts and mood swings, but I’m starting to be scared of myself. My emotions are pretty much on a 3 weekly cycle- week one being where I hit rock bottom and mentally and physically feel unable to go on; this usually results on me self harming, but I feel so low I’m unaware that I’m doing it. Week two (which is where I am now I think) is sort of middling. I’m okay, but small things upset me and I’m fighting the urges. Then week three I’m top of the world and so hyped up and feeling pretty much invincible. I’ll then hit rock bottom again. My midwife knows that I’ve struggled during pregnancy and I was eventually honest with her and explained that I was forced into sex by my ex, but she doesn’t know the extent to which these feelings have got.
I’m due in 9 weeks and as much as it hurts to say it, I don’t know if I can do it. I love my baby more than anything and haven’t ever felt such a strong desire to protect someone. But it’s because I love my baby so much that I’m starting to think that I have made the most enormous mistake. I can’t look after myself and therefore can’t look after a baby. She deserves a loving family who can be strong for her all the time. I don’t know if I can do that.
I’ve been a lot more honest in this than I had expected…
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Comments
It sounds like your on a roller coaster off emotions, pregancy can be extremly stressful without the added pressures you are experiencing.
Have you thought about speaking to your midwife again like melian suggested?
Your very aware about being a good mum, you say you want to protect and love your baby so much, but your unsure you can do it, well the fact that your aware of what baby needs is very positive and this will help you focus on what you need to do for your baby when he or she arrives.
You sound unsure to how your going to cope when you have the baby, there are a lot of support groups out there and your midwife will be able to signpost you in the right direction. Sure start offer a range off support for new mums, it may be worth while looking at whats out their for you before baby arrives, that way you will have what you need in place.
Are you able to speak with family or friends who will be on hand to offer their support along with practical help?
Take care *hug*
As for talking to friends and family, the majority of my friends aren’t interested now my ex and I aren’t together because they were “shared” friends. My family know, but my relationship (particularly with my mum) has gone downhill since they found out that I’m pregnant. I’m seeing someone at the moment and because of the circumstances we’re taking it slowly. He’s lovely but I’m scared of opening up too much to him. At the end of the day, this isn’t his child and it’s going to be so much for him to take on. So I don’t know what will happen to us.
I don’t know how to phrase this without being melodramatic, but I look at other women who are pregnant and are coping and are going to be amazing mothers, and I’m nothing like that. I’m completely out of my depth right now.
It doesnt/didnt make me a bad mother, and it wont mean you are one, or a disappointment or any of those bad things.
Its worth maybe going to your doctor and maybe trying a short course of antidepressants to get you through this bit?
Any professional you see (GP, midwife, etc) isn't there to judge you - their job is to help you. You won't be first with the problem and I doubt you'll be the last.
I know. I need to work on trusting people more and stop thinking that people don't care or that whatever I say will be used against me.
Thank you
thank you. That means a lot
A lot of those women are probably looking at you and thinking the same thing! I felt exactly the same when I was really struggling to adjust to life with a newborn, and everyone with babies the same age seemed so in control and blissful. You ARE coping. Coping doesn't mean feeling brilliant about everything all of the time. It means doing what you can to get through.
Also, there's a big focus on postnatal depression, but there's also such a thing as prenatal depression. It's not talked about as often, but it definitely exists. Hormones can give people terrible PMT in relatively small doses, and you've got hormones coming out of your eyeballs right now. The mad dreams? Totally normal. I dreamt that I cut myself in half with a samurai sword, and literally woke up crying when I saw that I'd cut my baby in two. I knew it was just a dream, but I was upset for days!
She deserves a mother who loves her no matter what and always does the best she can to look out for her, even when things aren't going so well. You can do that. You're doing it right now, that's why you're so worried about this.
*hug*
and, like others have said, you will be a fantastic mum
I'm going to the doctors on Wednesday.
How did the doctors go today?
As many of the other posts have said there are times in all pregnancy when it is difficult to handle and the stress levels creep up!!!
Your on the right track, your not ignoring the problem your grabing it with both hands and facing it head on, thats very brave and exhausting to, but you should be very proud off your self, your already a good mum by helping yourself your helping your baby.
Take care lets us know how things go *hug*
The self doubt is only natural when you feel like you can't cope with the simplest of things. When I was under heavy anxiety I couldn't even cope with sitting in a half empty theatre and had to get up and leave. When I was in the worst of my depression I couldn't cope with simple things like putting the bins out, it seemed like the biggest and most crushing task in the world.
Don't be hard on yourself for feeling weakened or feeling self doubt. Try and stay focused on the idea that doubts don't define your reality, be that your present reality or your future reality. Your fears by no means will become your truths, and the fears of anxiety are often a million times worse than the things you are afraid of.
I hope I haven't generalised or assumed too much, and I'm around if you need to talk about anything.
You can *hug* You've been so strong recently, you can do this Ella, I know you can. Just think of baby, you want to be happy for when she comes don't you?
Of course I want to be happy and I want to be a good mother. But I don't know if that's possible... I have two months to turn my life around. I haven't ever hated myself so much.
You will be an amazing mother, you are such a lovely person and I know how much you love your baby.. therefore, you will be a great mother.
And, you've already taken the first step to turning your life around... don't fall back down at the second. Go and see the doctor tomorrow, I know it will be difficult, but you will regret it if you dont go x
I know I'll regret it. I will go, but the thought of it is scaring me. I don't know what they're going to say and I don't know if I want to hear it.
I don't have the energy to fight this feeling anymore.
I will. Thank you *hug*
Itll be hard, but itll be worth it to get some help.
You dont have to feel like this x
*hug*
I should feel glad or relieved but this has made me feel worse. My GP was nice, but she said I should have been more honest and got help sooner.
And I cut this afternoon.
Are you going to go for the counselling?
And, as I always say, make sure you clean the cuts as soon as you can. x
Why do you think being referred for counselling has made you feel worse?
I've cleaned the cuts properly
I don't want medication because I still want some level of control over myself, even though I don't feel in control at the moment. I'm scared that if I'm put on medication then that's it.
I don't know why I feel worse. It's not the counselling I feel worse about as such, I just feel like I've reached the end of a line and burnt myself out. Nothing really makes sense anymore.
Counselling is good too, but even if she has referred you, it could take a long time.
I think maybe you should have a think about medication a bit more. Maybe give yourself a time limit to try and get control of it all yourself before seeking help again?
Well done for going to the doctors,that is great.
Use the counselling to focus on you, to alllow you to explore how your feeling, be kind to yourself you deserve it.:)
You say you`ve burnt yourself out: it sounds like your extremly exhausted !try and find time for you , maybe do something thats relaxing, a hot bath or watching a movie you enjoy.
Hope the counselling goes well and keep us posted
Take care