Cause for concern or me being a paranoid idiot?

Former Member

OK so I am currently ruining my own relationship by quizzing my boyfriend daily about his ex.

I met my fella through a friend on Facebook and we chatted a bit, swapped numbers and eventually met up. It all went pretty fast and 4 months on I am living with him and everything should be great.

However.... He is separated from him wife (they were together 8 years and married and separated over 2 years ago) and he was pretty much still her lapdog since the day they split.

Anyway, due to be treated badly in loads of my previous relationships, I am prone to a bit of snooping. One night, and I know I shouldn't, I looked through phone records and saw that he had made a call to his ex at 3am after our first date. After a bit of probing I found out that she was drunk and wandering the streets so she called him, he returned her call and eventually picked up up. They went back to his and apparently he let her sleep on the sofa.

He is a genuinely nice guy so this isn't completely far fetched, but the lie has knocked me for six as he was the first person I have trusted in a long time. All I can think is what if they did something? Should it matter as we weren't even together? What if he is lying about other stuff? I really feel like I need to know.

I have sat down with him, told him that I won't react or go mad and that anything that happened will be forgotten but I just need to know. He maintains that I know everything. I just can't stop worrying :banghead:

I have OCD, which might be good to point out here. I trawled through all the calls he made from then onwards and there was a few that he never mentioned. He says that she was just making him feel guilty that he wasn't talking to her much anymore. She also used to clean his house for him and I'm worried even this carried on while we had just started seeing each other.

When we first met I asked him when he last slept with her and he lied about that a couple of times, changing it from last year to last month. From what I gather now, he tells me they last did something before August bank holiday. We first met 8th Sept and officially got together as a couple a week later.

I know pretty much for a fact that they don't speak now....and it's not even like my worry is he will go behind my back in the future. It's all based in the past but I feel like I'm trapped and can't move on and enjoy what we have!

He is one in a million and a good guy. Not the cheating type for sure. His ex has mental health issues and I know he was always there for her mainly out of being a nice guy.

Am I being silly?

Former Member

FallenAngel29 wrote: »

He is a genuinely nice guy so this isn't completely far fetched, but the lie has knocked me for six as he was the first person I have trusted in a long time. All I can think is what if they did something? Should it matter as we weren't even together? What if he is lying about other stuff? I really feel like I need to know.

What lie? He didn't lie about talking to her that night, he just didn't tell you. It was your first date, and there was no reason for him to call you up and say "By the way, my ex is drunk and needs a couch to sleep on, don't freak out." On that issue, you're overreacting. He doesn't need to tell you every time he talks to his ex, because talking isn't even close to the cheating that you seem to be worried about.

You do say that he has lied about the last time they slept together. I don't know his reasons for doing that, but it does seem that either way they were over before you two started dating.

You say he's the first person you've trusted in a while, but you clearly don't trust him as much as you think if you're snooping through his phone calls and interrogating him about them. If you trust that he's telling you the truth and he's not cheating, then let that be the end of it. All this paranoia is just going to make both of you unhappy and put strain on the relationship. Don't let whatever happened with your previous boyfriends ruin the relationship you have with your current one.

Former Member

it was the first date. Dont worry about it

Former Member

As Clan says, what lie ? Firstly, as it was just after your first date, it has nothing to do with you and secondly it's hardly encouraging someone (you)to meet up again by telling them that they had to pick up their pissed, mentally ill ex wife at 3am in the morning and let her sleep it off on the sofa !

You need to sort yourself out over this issue of snooping through his stuff. Where's it going to stop ? Do you go through his post, emails, scan his bank accounts, till receipts ? You'll drive him away if you carry on like this. If he last had sex before with anyone, let alone his ex, before he met you, so what ? You weren't in his life so it's got nothing to do with you. It's history so forget about it.

You say you have OCD, so possibly tis could stem from that. Best bet would be to get yourself to your GP and ask for a refferal for treatment/therapy.

Former Member

Thanks everyone. Part of me knows every word you've said is true. I think it's the OCD. He did also call out her name (who does that anyway) during something intimate too which didn't help. Think I'm adding 2 and 2 a d getting 5. Xx

Former Member

Hi there Fallen Angel,

It sounds like you've already got some good responses here, which hopefully have helped you to take a step back and put your thoughts and behaviour in the OCD 'box' rather than because of something that he did.

Having said that, a lot of the feelings and experiences you are going through are, I think, quite common. One of the harder things about starting a relationship with someone, particularly as you get into your 20's and 30's, is that they will have had experiences, maybe been in love, or had really important things happen to them in the past, things which don't include you at all. I think this is often one of the hardest things about the beginning of a relationship to deal with - even the most emotionally healthy person gets struck down by jealousy and paranoia sometimes. Sometimes I think it just takes time, and steady reassurance that you are the person he wants to be with now, and gradually it will sink in, and his past with her will no longer have the ability to hurt you so much. I reckon you're doing the right thing by sitting down and talking things through with him - it's likely to gradually help you work things through.

There's a lot of self awareness in your post which is good, particularly in this situation. It seems that often, with jealousy and paranoid feelings, finding something out (even if it's something that, rationally, shouldn't bother you) can cause a really emotional reaction. This emotional reaction often doesn't seem to be actually related to a rational perspective. Having the self awareness to be able to say 'this reaction is an emotional one, I won't take it completely seriously, but give it some time to fade and then think about the situation more rationally' has got to be a really useful way of managing yourself as you work through this. I guess the OCD element just feeds into this emotional reaction a bit and makes it harder to separate yourself from it. But being aware of how you react, and working out ways to deal with it, might really help.

For example, could you come up with something that you say to yourself when you find yourself getting into the obsessive spiral? Trying to see things from his perspective, as Rubberskin says, might help. He had this woman in his life and obviously wants to help her (and I guess you wouldn't want him not to want to help her - as part of what you like about him is his niceness). For her, it must be a really hard time, realising her has moved on - and that transition from being there for her, to you being his top priority must have been difficult for them both in different ways. It sounds like he has been trying to manage it without bothering or worrying you too much, or (as Rubberskin says) making him sound like their relationship is still messy. Maybe now you could say to him - "actually, I think I would prefer it if you did tell me about your communications with her from now on, I know it's not really about me, but it would help me get over this paranoia" - and see what he says.

In exchange for this, maybe you could try your hardest not to look through his phone. In any relationship, particularly if you are feeling insecure or uncertain, it can be weird to see bits of your partners individual existence - you can sometimes sort of want to be able to have everything done together - and seeing their individual existence highlights the separate elements of your life. So you're almost setting yourself up for a negative emotional reaction by even starting to delve into his calls - especially as it's really common to assume the negative when you find something you're unsure about.

He has told you that you know everything, he can't really do more than this. As mentioned earlier, it may be that, over time, with good times together and steady reassurance from him, you start to believe and trust him - but for now, even if you don't feel it one hundred percent on an emotional level, try and act like you do. Listen to the rational part of you that wants this to work and knows you're worrying too much, and act on that.

Consciously choose not to search through his stuff any more, consciously push those worries away and tell yourself that its the emotional, irrational part of your mind just taking longer to catch up with the rational side of things. And maybe go and find him and ask for a hug, tell him you're having a wobble and need a bit of reassurance.

Hope these thoughts have helped a bit. It's not an easy thing to manage but you're doing a good thing by looking for new perspectives and trying to work through this. Best of luck and do feel free to let us know how you get on.

*hug*

Former Member

Thank you. This all does make sense to me...it's just controlling the OCD side of things.

I know he's a good guy and is about to start divorce proceedings and talks about our future a lot. I'd be stupid to lose him over paranoia.