Too Scared To Try PLEASE HELP!

Former Member

I've aslways been scared to have sex with a guy and now i'm nearly 18 it's starting to play on my mind. My ex is flirting with me and i really do want to have sex with him. I'm too young to buy toys or anything like that so i need some advice. I'm really tight and i've tried to loosen myself up but nothing works. I'm meeting him next week and i need some advice on what to do. Every time i get close to having sex, i freak out and go back into my shell.

I really need some advice on what to do as i can't keep living my life like this.

Former Member

Firstly, if you're considering having sex, you probably aren't too young to buy toys or experiment yourself. If it would help improve your anxiety and awareness of your body then that must be a good thing.

I'm not sure that's your ex is the best choice for your first time. It seems that if you're finding it difficult to be relaxed about sex, then the best situation would be with a partner whom with you feel comfortable and relaxed.

Whatever you decide, you should make it clear you want to take it slow, with plenty of foreplay. He needs to be prepared to go at your pace - there shouldn't be any pressure. In practical terms, once you're aroused it should become easier. If he or you put a finger or two in there beforehand, that will help you gradually get used to the feeling. If you're really nervous and haven't gone that far before with him, then perhaps just spending a few times doing this foreplay but not going for full-on sex, would help you feel comfortable for when you do go ahead.

There's also an article on painful sex on thesite that has a bit more information.

Former Member

If you're worried about being tight have a look at some relaxation techniques. The most important thing is that you are comfortable and relaxed and if you aren't, you should consider waiting until you are. Take it from me that trying to have sex when you aren't relaxed is PAINFUL, especially when you're quite tight anyway.

I'm going to second woooooooah and say make sure there's lots of foreplay. If nothing else it will help you be more relaxed and like he said, a finger or two will get you used to the sensation of having something in there. Make sure you have some lube handy, because even if you're quite wet, a little bit of extra lubrication never hurts.

If you're VERY worried about being tight, go and see your doctor and ask about vaginal dilators. I was given some of those when I had problems relaxing and it was causing me pain, and they're basically just long plastic cylinders which increase in size and are designed literally to get you used to having something there and help you relax.

Also, you are not too young to buy toys. If you're worried about going into a shop, have a look online at shops like Ann Summers and lovehoney. A quick google will tell you which toys are good. For the time being I'd suggest a bullet until you're more comfortable with the idea, as some of the internal vibrators (e.g. rabbits) can be quite intimidating.

Oh, and condoms. Don't ever forget the condoms.

Former Member

Thank you both for replying, you have really helped me with this situation.

Former Member

Do it with someone you trust. The first time I had (consensual) sex it was with someone I'd known all my life, we weren't dating as such but very good friends... I knew that if it hurt, or I wanted to stop, then he'd stop.

So, will this ex care about how you feel? Will he stop if you tell him to? That's what you need to think about.

Former Member

rosierawrz..

thank you very much for your tips, they're really useful. It is scary for many reasons that i wish to not discuss but by saying that.. many people can figure out what i'm on about. So thank you xx


Broken-Angel..

He's my ex-fiancee so i know that he'd stop if i said stop but your right about the fact that i need to think. I think part of me wants to have sex with him because i still love him and that i hope some kind of relationship will come out of it, i guess i really do need to think about what i'm doing
x

Former Member

Don't have sex just for the sake of sex. Wait till you're with someone important to you... I was raped at a young age, so had no choice about it etc, and I guess that kind of set me on a path of having sex.
I'm a lot younger than you, but honestly, I wish I'd not had sex after being raped. I wish I'd waited till I'm with the guy I'm with now. Because he means a lot to me... and although your ex means a lot to you, he must be an ex for a reason hun x

Former Member

Broken-Angel..

I'm so sorry to hear about that. I was sexually abused by a lad for many years when i was younger and i'm just starting to get over it, so that plays a big part in it too. I guess he is an ex for a reason but i feel like i can't have a relationship because i know that guys won't hold out too long before they get annoyed about not having sex. I feel like i could trust my ex but now i feel like i don't want to see him next week because i'm so confused. I just want to get it over and done with so i can start living my life again, and i know it's a really stupid thing to do but i'm prone to do stupid things x

Former Member

Hun, any worth while guy will wait till your ready

Former Member

i know your right but i feel like i'll never find someone that will wait.. apart from my ex but i screwed that up :crying:

Former Member

Hun, you have your whole life ahead of you to find someone... and there will be someone

Former Member

your right, i'm only young and i have all these years ahead of me to find the right guy for me. I really should be focusing on my future and more important matters in my life. thank you *hug*

Former Member

I just think that if you're going to have sex with someone for the first time... it should be with someone who cares about you and who you care about. Other people may think differently, but going by what you've said I think you'll find it better and be more confident with someone who you are with x

Former Member

Your right, i know that i'll regret sleeping with him because he doesn't love me back. It's a big deal for me and i'd like to wake up next to that person in the morning and know that i shared that part of me with someone who loves me back. Thank you so much, without your advice i would have made a huge mistake xx

Former Member

aww it's okay hun, always here if you need anything xx

Former Member

Thank you xx

Former Member

It sounds like you've come to a good resolution, NEF, but just to add a little of my own experience:

A dear friend of mine is the same age as me, 21, and is still a virgin. I respect her hugely for this because she, (unlike me a lot our crowd of friends a few years back, when we were 17 or 18) didn't rush into it, and make believe that the month old puppy loves that we had were really 'the one'. 18 really isn't that late to have lost it. Please, please don't do it just because your mates are. Do it when it feels right.

Former Member

Evenstar wrote: »

18 really isn't that late to have lost it. Please, please don't do it just because your mates are. Do it when it feels right.

Couldn't have put it better myself. It's so much better to wait and do it with someone you really want to do it with, rather than just doing it for the sake of it.