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Over Protective?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello to everyone at The Site. My screen name is Marvin. I'm 17.

I have been a viewer of this site for about 4 months but haven't registered because of a fear of not being respected because I am a newbie. But, rather selfishly <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/eek.gif">, as soon as I have a problem I have decided to register and open myslef up to your vast array of opinion. From now on I will contribute to everyone elses problems instead of just lurking!

I have been going out with my girlfriend for about 4 months (7 months in total - different story!). We are brilliant together and are totally in love but there is one thing from holding us back from being as we want to be: my girlfriends dad <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;

My girlfriends family is particularly close and she is especially close to her dad. Until recently. Without meaning to sound big headed, currently she just prefers to spend her time with me. Her house is like my second home and we just cant spend enough time together - im missing her right now!

Anyway, her dad has shown real discontent becuase of my continual presence and has been really moody with my gf. He has told her that although he strongly approves of me and likes me alot (phew!), he just cant let go of her. He knows that in a way he should let go but cant bring himself to do it. I can totally sympathise with his situation cos I can appreciate how close they were but shes 17!!!

He has told her that her family must come first and to not place her priorities solely on me. I feel trapped cos she says she is scared of losing me cos she says that if she has to spend less time with me to pacify her dad i will get bored. I know i wont and just want her to be happy.

The thing is, more recently we have both made more of an effort to stay downstairs when we are at her house and to generally not to be together at every available opportunity. She dedicated a whole evening to him but the next day he told her that she ended up spoiling the game he was playing with his other daughter (gf's sister!). She cant win - she cant keep everyone happy if her dad cant let go of her.

I guess, after all that, i want to know what to do. I have reassured her that im not going anywhere and totally understand the situation but she still worries and is in a no-win situation. Do i speak to her dad and tell him that he is making her unhappy?

Thank for for your help in anticipation!

P.S. I look forward to being a regular poster on The Site



Marvin

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its good that her dad likes you, he sounds a nice person, he may not want to see his little girl grow up and move out if you know what I mean.

    I'd call it over protective. Her dad may see it as an act of rivalry if you speak to him and it could make matters worse. i'd get her to speak to him as he'll understand more.

    As long as their is no hatred the situation should easily be sorted if you paly your cards right.

    Good luck and welcome.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for your reply.

    She has already spoken to him about it. Thats how I know all this stuff.

    I just want to make her happy and he knows that. He sees a situation where we go2 different universities and break and she is then isolated from her family. That wont happen cos I KNOW we are right together - how can I show him that and prove to him that I will take care of her so that he will let her go?

    Marvin

    [This message has been edited by Marvin (edited 04-02-2001).]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Marvin:
    how can I show him that and prove to him that I will take care of her so that he will let her go?


    It must be difficult for any caring parent to let go, any parent, worth their salt, has trouble coping with seeing their off-spring hurt. I guess he is trying to protect his family unit, which is a very basic instinct. Also, your children growing up is a physical demonstration of your own mortality, that can be quite difficult to cope with.

    Nothing you do will be good enough as far as he's concerned. Time is the only thing that will show him you are genuine and given time, the ties will begin to loosen, but he will never let go completely, she will always be his little girl.

    I know it's frustrating for you, but I wish my dad had been like hers. All you can do is carry on showing that you care, show that you understand his feelings & never hurt his little girl <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    j9



    I had a life once, but I stopped feeding it so one day it just walked away.

    MTS ^5 ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Marvin:
    From now on I will contribute to everyone elses problems instead of just lurking!


    welcome to the site & I hope you don't mean that literally rofl <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt;

    j9



    I had a life once, but I stopped feeding it so one day it just walked away.

    MTS ^5 ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds like you really really care about her,

    must be real hard for you.

    Like j9 said i wish my dad was a bit like that, well i wish he was nicer full stop,

    he's not arsed about my relatioships but if something happens to me BAD, hes there for me then <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt;

    Like j9 said maybe its best if you just show her and him that you do care by just keep supporting her and being there for her,

    if u really feel the need to talk to him maybe you could do it with your gf, and bth sit down n very calmly and nicely tell him how much you are both in love and want to be together,

    if you do, make sure you dont make him feel as though youre ganging up on him, and your girlfriend needs to be calm to and try not to fall out with him or argue with him about you, because then he'll think your turning her against him or making her into a nsaty person,

    well u know what i mean.

    Good Luck and hope things get better.

    ©lovely freaks

    MTS ^5 ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do i speak to her dad and tell him that he is making her unhappy?

    she needs to sit down and tell him. not just in passin but a real serious talk. she needs to tell him that shes gettin older and needs her independence but family wil always come first and that she still loves him, even if shes not around all the time. hope this helps.

    Welcome to TheSite <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;


    Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for all your help guys and gals. This is really wierd for me cos I already know u all but you dont know me!

    I guess that you are right. Just give it time. Im not really frustrated personally, I just want to see her happy and not torn between us. (I make it sound like me and her dad are fighting for her!) - which we aren't. We just both wanna see her happy and I guess that although he likes me etc. he doesnt fully trust me yet. Which is fair enough.

    Me and her talked about it today and I told her that I understand and that if he brings it up again then they oughta discuss a day (or two) when it is thier day(s). Then we both know what his limits are and if he still aint happy after he has set the rules down then thats his problem. Do you think that is a good idea?

    Thanks again for your input. Ill stop lurking now, J9, and go and try to help some other people!
  • Girl-From-MarsGirl-From-Mars Posts: 2,822 Boards Guru
    Originally posted by Marvin:
    Thanks for all your help guys and gals. This is really wierd for me cos I already know u all but you dont know me!

    its weird to think theres loads of lurkers out there who know us that we dont even know exist!! you tend to think that only the people who post read the site, but i guess thats not true! <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/eek.gif"&gt; hehe

    pretty much all that i was going to say about the topic has been already said... sorry <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt;

    If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up somewhere else.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Girl-From-Mars:
    its weird to think theres loads of lurkers out there who know us that we dont even know exist!! you tend to think that only the people who post read the site, but i guess thats not true! <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/eek.gif"&gt; hehe

    pretty much all that i was going to say about the topic has been already said... sorry <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt;


    i think daze was right....it is gonna be an invasion of hte lurkers!!! <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/eek.gif"&gt;

    I've not lost my mind it's inserted elsewhere - hence the limp.

    [This message has been edited by Turtle (edited 06-02-2001).]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Turtle:
    i think daze was right....it is gonna be an invasion of hte lurkers!!! <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/eek.gif"&gt;


    as long as im allowed to hide in his teatowel, im alright <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    ©lovely freaks
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I found this site by accident but you guys all seem to get along so I figured I'd sign up. Besides none of you know who I am.

    As for the topic, I can understand how you must be feeling, when I was with my ex her house was like my second home. It was great. If I wanted a drink I could just go get one, I didn't have to ask (Though I always did). There was a bit of hassle at first as her parents didn't trust me, because they'd only just moved to the area, but I soon became like a son to them. (Shame my ex turned into a cold-hearted bitch on me suddenly).

    Give it time Marvin, one day maybe they'll accept you as a son(in-law). Anyway, you're still young whats the rush. I was with my ex 2 years then I asked her to marry me. She said yes! 4 months later she became the afore mentioned cold-hearted bitch, and its not like me to be like that about a person either!

    Anyway I'm mixing my past into this too much, I've already posted my story in the "Relationship" section.

    Just hang in there buddy! I'm sure it'll work out. Put it this way your gf has belonged to her father all her life, he doesn't wanna give her up. Its like me, I've had my teddy nearly 18 years an I ain't givin it up fer no-one... he's stayin above me forever in the loft!!!

    I'm insane... you won't know me yet, but I am!! No-one here knows me, butI'm marking my territory by trying to join in as many threads as I can... and I've started 3. I'd say welcome but you were here before me!

    Not getting caught is only half the fun!!
    I'm the rest!!
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