He loves me, but we rarely have sex

Former Member

I am engaged to one of the most loving and attentive men I have ever met. He cooks for me, and is very affectionate as far as cuddiling and hugging goes. However, we only have sex about once a month. He tells me that there is nothing wrong with me and he thinks I am gorgeous and desirable. Yet, if I bring up the subject of making love, he gets complacent and doesn't want to talk about it. I know he isn't cheating on me, so please in your replies don't mention that. He talks about having a family and says he cannot wait for me to be his wife. When we first got together, we had sex almost every day. I miss the intimacy of it, the closeness it brings. Now, when we do have sex, it is enjoyable for me half of the time... if I ask him to do something different he gets defensive and says that he must not be what I want. He says things like he is not good enough for me and that I criticize too much. I want him to make love to me, not just have sex. So, if I say anything about what I want in bed, I know it will be at least 2 or 3 weeks before we will have it again. He also drinks often. And it seems that is the only time he gets in the mood. But, when he is drinking, he cannot stay aroused and we end up just stopping and going to sleep instead.
All other aspects of our relationship are great, and I love him with all my heart. I know we should probably go to some kind of therapy, but if I bring that up he just shoots down the idea and clams up for at least a day or two. I just don't know what to do. I have needs and want to feel sexy and desirable. Telling me and showing me are two different things, and I need to feel as if I am a desirable woman. Any advice or insight as to what is going on in his head? Please help, but be considerate in your replies, as I am a bit on the sensitive side.

Former Member

My advice is to seriously reconsider your engagement and certainly don't marry him until your general relationship is sorted out.

Without good communication, it can be almost guaranteed that your relationship will fail.

If he isn't talking to you at this stage of the game, it's unlikely that he will talk openly in the future. You may certainly love him - but surely not at any cost?

Why should he make you feel guilty about asking these questions when it's quite clear that it is his issues that are causing your unhappiness? The fact that he 'clams up for a day or two' shows a level of immaturity. How old is he? And why is he drinking?

I'm sure that he is a lovely man but warning bells are ringing all over this. I'm sorry. *hug*

Former Member

secretly gay maybe?

Former Member

I'm with Teagan on this one, I'm afraid.

Former Member

Could it be that he feels inadequate or unsure how to please you? Insecurity?

I'm just throwing this out as I have had some problems in my sex life where we seem to be on different wavelengths at times. Our relationship is stable and good but actually talking about sex is trying and the communication very stiff because of too many strong emotions being involved. It's weird when we're both hurt because we lack the same thing.
For example, my man has confessed about feeling starved for sex but that he feels overwhelmed trying to please me because he thinks I'm "complicated" (his words! :yeees: ) so he doesn't even try initiating it most of the time. Meanwhile I can be bitter because I must not be desirable enough since he just spends the evenings being boring and on his computer so I don't feel like initiating it either. That was one of our bad communication issues where talking about our feelings has helped.

Teagan is right about the communication. I think you need to sort that out and try to find out why he finds it so difficult to talk about sex with you.

Former Member

Hi lovenmax,

This is clearly a very sensitive issue for you. There seems to be a regular insecurity here that this is due to you and not him. Perhaps this is due to different sex drives? This does not mean it is ok if you feel it is not, yet perhaps not to take the issue too personally.

The same goes for him. You say he has mentioned many times that he loves you and finds you attractive, so perhaps it is his low libido that is the issue yet he reacts badly when you mention it. This is also a sensitive subject for him, as he might feel attacked by accusations that he is not satisfying you enough. The question here is whether he is. You clearly want more and it is important to think hard as to whether this is something you are ready to sacrifice.

It is really important for him, and you, to be able to talk about this - together - without feeling attacked or defensive. If you want a future perhaps sex therapy is a good idea - or start by counselling sessions in order to learn how to truly listen to each other's needs.

Good luck x

Former Member

Thank you all for your responses. After reading Teagan's reply, I decided that we had to talk. I wrote him a letter and gave it to him before dinner and left the room while he read it. I described how I am feeling, but did not blame him, I explained how imortant it is for us to communicate. After reading the letter, he met me in the hallway and embraced me lovingly. He told me what he always does, that I am beautiful and he loves me more than life. Then we ate and had wonderful conversation. He opened up to me about things that are bothering him at work as well as some other issues. We shared a bottle of champange and then made love the rest of the evening. :flirt:

To SuzyCreamcheese: No, dear, he is NOT gay.

I realize that one night will not solve everything, and we have a way to go, but I think it is a good start. He does please me, and he treats me better than I have ever been treated. I have been with men who were AMAZING in the bedroom, but not so great in other areas of our relationship.

Christele, you hit the nail on the head. He does feel that sometimes he is being attacked and that he doesn't satisfy me. Yes, I do want more, but if he just has a low libido and this is all he can give me, I am willing to sacrafice.

Thank you all for the advice and input. I believe we are going to be okay.

Former Member

aww im glad you seem to have made progress.
I was in a nearly sexless relationship for a long time and it made me very unhappy