Is this a breakdown?

Former Member

Even though I have support and am trying desperately to get on with my life, I am majorly depressed. I'm not talking about, oh no my boyfriend of 3 weeks split up with me, i'm talking about suicidal thoughts everyday, shifting from not being able to sleep (like now), to finding it difficult not to sleep... I'm anxious and on edge. I am sure the government is poisoning me and lots of others so we have to spend money on remedies and medicines. I keep hallucinating. I am experiencing derealization and depersonalisation. Constantly fatigued. A whole bunch of other stuff I can't remember right now, oh and my memory is fuzzy as is my ability to concentrate...
I am driven mad by the sense of time dragging on. I feel like everyone is talking about me and out to get me... especially now that someone tried to steal my motorbike and broke the front panel, so now I have to get that fixed...
I am really fed up with life. But I can't kill myself, not matter how much I want to.

Former Member

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. Have you spoken to anyone else about how you are feeling? Suicidal thoughts are something you don't need to deal with on your own; and even though you say you don't want to kill yourself it sounds like it's exhausting you to the point of being constantly fatigued.

Is there anything that has triggered you feeling like this which you could put your finger on or is it something which has just crept up on you slowly?

Former Member

I think I was starting get feelings for my psychiatrist, so I had to stop everything. Kinda embarrassing to say because he is old enough to be my dad.
Plus I wasn't too keen on going from one drug to the next. Doing that ruined my third year of university because of the side effects. So in my second attempt to get through the year I didn't want to be on any psych drugs. I am going to take St John's Wort again though, and Cod Liver oil. So hopefully those will not only lift my mood, but help my immune system.
Plus, i know that in the future, the government will probably use all this information against me. When they phase out money in notes and coins and only have it electronic, it's just so they can see what you are buying!

Former Member

Hey nutter,

How are things for you at the moment? seems like your thoughts and feelings are taking it's toll on you and are pretty relentless. If you started to have feelings for your psychiartist, perhaps you could tell someone within his team and see if you can be re-assisgned to someone else? Particuarly if you were finding the sessions helpful?

Good to hear you are going to take the St John's Warts & Cod Liver oil, these should hopefully help. You could check out some of the other things suggested in the alternative health page if you are wanting to avoid medication? Also, as I'm sure you know - but generally being healthy and active will boost your mental health.

Anyway, we hope you are OK. Take care

Former Member

You need to talk to someone it is the only way...

Former Member

I just can't do it. I feel on the verge of panic attacks and crying most the time. Things start to move. I'm sure someone is keeping me ill.
My GP said that I go see him in 2 weeks but If I feel suicidal then see him straight away, but that would be pretty much every day.
I don't really belong anywhere now. I can't cope. I thought life was hard before, but my word, look at it now.
Apparently I am going to see the psychiatrist again so I have no idea what I will say to him.
I have to find dogs for my film.
Everything that happens is repetitive.

Former Member

Hi there Nutter,

How are you feeling today? Things sounded pretty bad in that post. When you literally feel like you can't do it, try taking things one minute at a time and seek out someone who you can talk to. Did you manage to go and see your GP? Perhaps you need to explain to them that you feel suicidal all the time at the moment - as it doesn't sound like they realise this.

*hug*

Former Member

Hello

Well perhaps he doesn't realise it's most the time, he does know it is 'periodical' as that is what I wrote in the letter to him. But I kinda don't want to tell him it is quite constant.
One good thing - I got my scooter back and went for a ride and it felt good.
I was struggling a bit. Was trying to listen to someone but things were moving either side of him and when he moved his hands, there were trails... He said I looked confused. I guess I am.

Former Member

Hi Nutter,

Really glad you got out on your scooter. It's really worth being aware of things that make you feel better/good in any way and making sure that you keep doing them. What other things make you feel better, even if just for a little while?

You mentioned that you were seeing trails and things moving either side of your friend as they were talking. We've just recently been made aware of a site called Voice Collective: Peer Support for Young People who Hear, See and Sense Things Others Don't.. It might be worth you having a look as it looks like it could be useful for you. Would be interesting to know what you think of it.

Hugs *hug*

Former Member

Interesting website. I haven't come across that one before. Which is a surprise because i have done a LOT of research, trying to find answers. Perhaps I should just leave it to the professionals now and relax a bit.
Is it odd that when I wanted to run away in the night, but couldn't because of vertigo, I felt like someone was watching me and protecting me from myself?

Former Member

I had a few days of a reasonable and rational mind, but I can feel myself sinking again. >.<

Former Member

Nutter wrote: »

I had a few days of a reasonable and rational mind, but I can feel myself sinking again. >.<

Well its a good thing you have us to prop you up. Think of us as a giant arm band to stop you from sinking

Former Member

G-Raffe wrote: »

Well its a good thing you have us to prop you up. Think of us as a giant arm band to stop you from sinking

Cool

**helen**

Nutter wrote: »

Perhaps I should just leave it to the professionals now and relax a bit.

Hi Nutter,

Have just heard you were in chat earlier tonight and so hoping you'll come online a bit later tonight and maybe see this...

I know you're still feeling particularly bad and that sinking feeling isn't really going away. Just wanted to remind you of what you said the other day when you were looking at that website - in your quote above.

I think this was a really sensible thing to consider and from what you've told us in your thread, your GP isn't aware of the full story when it comes to your experiences. By going to see someone again and being open and honest about your recent feelings, there is the opportunity to receive a new level of support that can help you to find a way through this really difficult time. If your GP isn't someone you feel you can trust, then consider talking to someone at Papyrus - a support service specifically for young people who are feeling emotional distress and further feeling like suicide is the only answer.

http://www.papyrus-uk.org/

Let us know how you're feeling tonight or in the morning.

*hug*

Former Member

Don't think there is much hope. I'm with the top dog and not much can be done. There is no future. My ideas are strange according to him and my mind is not working properly. I'm not ill, I just see the truth.

**helen**

Nutter wrote: »

My ideas are strange according to him and my mind is not working properly. I'm not ill, I just see the truth.

Hey Nutter,
Just wondered how you're feeling over the weekend.

You've told us the 'top dog' says your ideas are strange - what kind of options has he offered to you?

Hope "Staffies story" is going well!