Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨

Can only orgasm with a partner by thinking of something else?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok tad embarrassing and different but here goes..

I have been having sex since I was 16, with a variety of partners long-term and short-term. However apart from twice in my whole life, Ive never been able to climax with a partner without cutting my mind to dirty porno Id watched or some sexual scene Ive created in my head. Im worried how I can break out of this pattern. I still enjoy sex and foreplay but I can never reach climax until I picture a scene which takes ages to concentrate - plus it takes me away the intimacy with my partner, its really making me depressed. At the start of my relationships Im like a rabbit but because of this issue, it always dwindles :( and I end up breaking it off. I feel I HAVE to do this though in a way so the guy doesnt get paranoid that hes not making me cum, and how can i explain...'I have to think of something but you'.

Im single for now, but I feel I should have been able to overcome this at this age (23) and I dont want this to be a regular feature of every relationship because its just not normal :( I think its worth mentioning all the things I imagine are completely different to my sex life - like things I wouldnt do - like girl on girl, domination. Its just screwing with my mind because I wouldnt do thay stuff at all in real life - I want to remedy this but I just dont know how.. :banghead:


  • Options
    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Hey confusedgirl,

    Sorry to hear sex has become difficult for you because of this issue of fantasy v reality.

    Could it be that the focus on orgasm rather than enjoying the person you're with may be an issue here? If you are always thinking of the end point rather than "How can I truly enjoy and get lost in this experience for what it is with this particular person?" then perhaps you're putting too much pressure on yourself, and the experience in general?

    By taking a fresh approach leaving orgasms out of the main equation (I know that sounds contrary to the act, but often sex is about so much more) you may find the intimacy between you and the person you're having sex with grows and that orgasm creeps up on you in a way that it hasn't before.

    This is just an initial suggestion and I'm sure other people will have thoughts on the matter... :)
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm, interesting topic.

    These scenes that you fantasize about, you say you wouldn't want to do them in real life. Are you 100% sure about this? Something about these scenarios are turning you on - it could be as simple as the fact that they're so out of your comfort zone and it's exciting to think about, or it could be that you're curious about them.

    As an alternative.... could it be that the emotional disconnection (when fantasizing) is more of a turn on than close, intimate sex with your past boyfriends? I know I find it hard to orgasm when having soft, emotional sex, unless I'm really in the mood. I need quite a high level of roughness to get highly aroused 95% of the time.

    If you really do want to experiment with another girl, or with domination, it can take a while to come to terms with it. There's nothing wrong with it - I've been there, many times. If this is the underlying issue, then I'm afraid not much can be done about it, besides... experimenting.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey, if it makes you feel good and gets the job done while getting laid...just do it!
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Same here!!!

    This EXACT same thing happens to me and I really want to change it, just don't know how. I know you've posted this a while ago. Have you been able to change it? If so, how??
Sign In or Register to comment.