is this right or wrong?

Former Member

hey i just recently had an abortion. It was probably one of the most hardest things iv ever had to do. me and my boyfriend have already ahd a pregnancy scare before but it was false so it was easy to say that you wont keep it bit when it comes to it its so much more different. even more so cause it was by my 3rd month before everything got done.

I constantly think about it everyday, its so hard seeing my boyfriends friend with his son and other friends of mine have just announced their pregnant aswell. they never knew anything about it so its breaking me down a bit by bit when everyones saying these things.

During and before i found out i was pregnant, things were a bit rough with my boyfriend, i didnt like his friends cause they were just trouble/bad reputations and i knew he was going to change. i kept asking him to stop seeing these people cause in the future something bad will happen. now after iv actually had the abortion i had a big argument with him he's evertually started to realise where he went wrong he said to me "i know things have been really hard lately, and i know iv changed n im sorry. i wish i listened to you before" and so on.... then said "this is gonna sound bad but i think if i wasn't hanging about with these people i think we could have been able to keep the baby" i just blurted out crying.

now a good few weeks after, everything around me has something to to with pregnancy and its still very hard. we still talk about it and he's now only just said "i would have loved to have keep it just think we're a bit young". for me now i definatley know i could keep a baby, but i dunno whether to say this to him cause he might get scared or anything. but we've talked about having kids and getting married and everything.

sorry this was such a long story for everyone to read. just i wanna get peoples perspective on this? any help? except evil advice iv already asked this on another website and have been called horrible things. is this normal after having had an abortion? i didnt get any advice during or after it or any support. anyones advice is helplful please?

Former Member

An abortion is an immensely personal decision and it's easy to criticise someone if you haven't been in the same position yourself. If it is any comfort, I think you have been extremely brave. Clearly your decision has influenced the way your bf thinks about his "friends". This is GOOD. It has made him see another life, away from their influence.

My best friend arrived on my doorstep at 3am, one night, long ago, because she was depressed having had an abortion. I was asleep and in my nightie, but I think we consumed a bottle or so of wine between us and then I drove her home *hug* . Two or three years later, she met the man of her dreams, got married and had three lovely kids. (I am Godmother to the oldest.)

Don't despair. I'm sure that the decision you made was the right one for you.

Former Member

This is so normal. You're grieving! It doesn't matter if you absolutely made the right decision, you made a really hard choice and it'll take time to make the 'what if' go away.

Please consider getting some support. It's unrealistic to expect those feelings to just switch off, especially if you're surrounded by babies.

then said "this is gonna sound bad but i think if i wasn't hanging about with these people i think we could have been able to keep the baby"

I'm sure he didn't mean for it to be, but that's pretty harsh to hear.

Think of it like this instead: if he sorts himself and the two of you move forward, maybe in the future the two of you can start a family. And these things that you've been through, the things you've survived, will make you a better parent. Enjoy your youth, your freedom and your sleep now. Believe me, you will miss them when they're gone.

Former Member

remorria, I think it's worth remembering that children should be viewed as a 'privilege' and not a 'right'.

In this day and age, you should only bring children into the world if you are socially and financially secure. You may well be a little envious of your friend and his child, but cute infants quickly become toddlers, toddlers become children, children become teens .... and will you be in such a personal place whereby you can offer your child the security they deserve all the way through their dependant years?

You made a most difficult choice but perhaps it was the right one. Being a mother isn't glamorous, the world doesn't take on a rosy glow ... it's fucking hard work from start to finish. All 18 years or so of it. Wait until you have sorted out your own life and you feel confident to take on the responsibility of new life. The child deserves only the very best that you can give. *hug*

Former Member

I won't dispute any part of ^^^ this except for...

Teagan wrote: »

All 18 years or so of it.

I think my parents would tell you that it's hard work even after this age. Which your children are less dependant the worries and issue just continually change. Whereas they used to worry about my going out clubbing, now they worry about me having to raise my own family (for example)... my Nan (the only one I have left) would tell you that she now worries about my Dad having health issues associated with his age.

Being a parent begins at conception and finishes with a death - the parents or the childs, preferably the former TBH.

I cannot explain how much of a privilege it is, nor how much it changes your life and your thought processes. Teagan is spot on about the fact that the decision to have a child or not should always, always be based on whether you are able to give that child the life it deserves and not that "I want one". It should be an altruistic decision, not a selfish one.

Whilst it was hard to hear I think that his response to the issue actually shows a level of maturity which he didn't have before. It could very well be the making of him. Without the pregnancy and the abortion he may never have realised that he wasn't ready for it.

Former Member

i found the boards on www.afterabortion.com really beneficial after my experience x