The "Ex-Factor"

Former Member

I'm pretty sure I've posted on here about his ex before, and from thinking I was easy-going and a pretty secure person I'm started to think I'm really not...

I know once you get out of your teens most people have ex's, some of them pretty serious, and getting into a new relationship it's just something you have to get over that you're not both each other's first loves, and it's not fresh and new etc.

But my current boyfriend (of 8 months) was with a girl before me for 3 years, and they were very serious. But because of that, everything he's done, or planned or thought about over the past three years has been with/about her, and so she comes up alllll the time. In the early days of our relationship he used to accidentally compare me to her, and it's in everything he does. I think his perception of girls is based on her, so if I wear make-up (which she didn't) he's suprised, or he still remarks on the fact of how skinny I am (she wasn't). All his likes/dislikes, his opinions etc come from her and stuff they did together, and I can handle it to a certain degree, but it just makes me feel uncomfortable after a while, as if I shouldn't be the one with him

How do people manage with the "ex-factor"?

I find myself getting jealous and insecure, and never feeling as good as she apparently was and this really isn't like me, I don't like it. But I don't want to ask him not to mention her, because, that would basically mean he couldn't talk about the last 3 years of his life!! There's probably a deeper low self-esteem issue here, but just hearing other people's thoughts on this, getting it in perspective, would be good. Cheers.

Former Member

That would drive me crazy. I understand the point about having your own self-esteem but to be compared to someone is actually really insensitive and he needs to lay off it. Perhaps he doesn't know how much he's doing it?

Former Member

katralla wrote: »

That would drive me crazy. I understand the point about having your own self-esteem but to be compared to someone is actually really insensitive and he needs to lay off it. Perhaps he doesn't know how much he's doing it?

Yea I think he isn't aware he's doing it more often than not, which kinda hurts more, it's so in-grained... He wouldn't purposefully put me down.

Former Member

Just tell him everything you've written here more or less. You don't come across as mean or anything and it's completely understandable. If he has no idea he's doing it sometimes it pays to just be direct and honest. Some people need it spelling out I think. I was just thinking and I could be wrong but maybe it' his really cack-handed way of complementing you? Hmm

**helen**

innocent_kate wrote: »

How do people manage with the "ex-factor"?

I agree with Clementine, but as you've actually quoted the title, I would recommend this book - it's ace:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ex-factor-Emily-Dubberley/dp/1905745176

Former Member

Have you mentioned it too him - chances are he doesn't realise he's doing it or that it worries you.

Failing that, why not respond that you aren't her and therefore everything will be different.