Boyfriend very shy and shows no affection

Former Member

Hi - sorry, long and rambling post here but it's reall hurting me and I don't know what to do -

My boyfriend (39) pursued me (25) for a long time before we finally got together last October. He adored me, he wouldn't stop talking about me, he was affectionate and lovely . However, over the last few months he has become less and less attentive and affectionate. He recently opened a new shop after losing his job in January. He has been mega busy since January - and I mean mega busy - and although I have missed him I have tried desperately to give him space and understand that he's busy and not make too many demands for his time. We spend very little time together but when we do he's so tired he barely looks at me - he comes in and lies in front of the TV.

It's getting to the stage where I feel totally neglected. He never, ever initiates sex. I've realised that he has a fairly low sex drive, but I'd like him to make the effort. I used to try to press for sex quite a lot, but he rejected me so many times I couldn't take it anymor, and now we've settled into 15 minutes on a Sunday morning, which I hate.

I could take the lack of sex drive and the lack of spending time with each other if he showed me more attention when we are together. His friends compliment me more on my appearance than he does. He never looks at me and says 'You look really hot' - he always says 'Oooo you look pretty'in a kind of baby voice, because he's very shy. This is the other problem - he is very shy. He's almost squeamish around sex. He's sometimes uncomfortable with me giving him oral sex because he says it's 'rude'. I am very open about sex and I try to talk to him but I know it makes him uncomfortable. I don't know whether this ties in with him not initiating it, but I realy don't know what to do.

Whenever I have tried to speak to him about any of these issues, he always responds with the same thing: that he's massively stressed, got a million things going on in his head, he's knackered, of course he loves me, of course he fancies me etc etc, and I end up just backing down because it makes me feel really selfish. But nothing ever changes. He pretty much refuses to accept or understand that these things may be true, but I can't help feeling how I'm feeling.

This isn't explained very wel,but if anyone has any advice on how I can maybe approach this differently, I'd be so grateful. All I want is for him to pay memore attention - just looking at me naked woudl be a start- without me feeling selfish for asking him.

Former Member

Hi Sparklybeck,

Dealing with a partner that shows no affection can be tough and can play with insecurities. You also say your boyfriend has been very busy lately and very stressed out, and unfortunately this may affect his sex drive.
However there is nothing selfish about what you are asking. You have every right to tell him how you feel and what you need.
Well done for confronting him as communicating in a couple is very important.
It seems, however, that when you do speak to him about this, he responds by saying that he does love you and off course fancies you - reacting defensively as if you have been doubting his feelings for you.
Maybe tell him you do not doubt his feelings but that you have been feeling a bit left out or maybe more alone lately? Perhaps tell him you miss him and want him more often. This might make him feel less defensive as you are simply stating how you feel rather than what he has done.

However, if it comes to the point where he seems careless about your feelings and nothing changes, if you wish to continue with the relationship, perhaps professional help might be useful. Relate do relationship counselling and have centers all over the UK.

Good luck

Former Member

There has to come a point where you confront him about it and not settle for an excuse of him "working too hard" or "always being tired" Such excuses do little to solve the problem and will only continue to add to your frustration because you will take the excuse at face value and nothing will change. You need to tell him exactly how you feel, don't sugar-coat it. He needs to make time for work AND a relationship and if he cannot do that, or he gives more time continuously to his work than to you, in spite of your attempts at trying to make your feelings clear to him, then perhaps it's better if you moved on... that might seem frank, but a relationship is between 2 people with equal effort from each, or else it just doesn't work!