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I'm losing my dad and I don't know what to do...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've moaned about this before but I'm at bloody breaking point now.
My dad and I have always been really close, then my mum died and I moved back in with him and we were closer than ever. I encouraged him to get out and meet new people and he met someone and I was really behind it.
It all started out really well, she was a bit more into him than he was her etc but they ended up becoming inseparable and I barely saw him anymore which was OK, because I thought she was quite nice.
Then she turned into a bitch. A controlling, rude, spiteful and petty bitch. She makes comments about my dead mother who she never knew, she calls my sister and I spoilt (though her own two daughters are a fucking farce... she pays one of them's rent, bought her a £12k car, paid for her and her bf to go on holiday, she hurls abuse at my dad for no reason calling him a prick and a c**t to his face, once in front of me and I nearly lamped her. Baring in mind she's 26.)
Then our landlady died and we had to find somewhere else to live. Dad then said he was moving in with her and to make my own arrangements (Mind this was by TEXT MESSAGE).
Since he moved in with her I've barely seen him, if I do see him it's for very short spaces of time and he's desperate to get back to her. Her grandson calls him grandad and he hasn't spoken to his 5 ACTUAL grandchildren in months.
I just got a text from him saying they are all going out for a family meal tomorrow which they've had planned for a few weeks. Would I like to come? Because it's the only time I'll see him for ages. I then said I'd take me and him out for a meal as we've not been on our own together in months and suggested a day and he was like "rain check, don't want to leave gf on her own"
I'm at the end of my tether. My brother's just given up I don't think he's spoken to him in about 5 months. My sister is a gibbering mess and stopped bothering to talk to him. He'll happy visit her family all over the country but wont go and see his own kids or grandkids, including one who lives 2 miles away. Whenever I try and see him she gets in the way.
The worst bit is to do with my mum's ashes. We originally were going to take her to her favourite place. Then my dad got a bit attached.
Now... he's just copying what she did her husbands ashes. She's bought some cheap tacky little pots to give to me, my brother and sister with a bit of her in each and going to put the rest in the sea. My mother was hydrophobic and confined to a wheelchair for the last 5 years of her life. I hate the idea that she'd be all split up and the fact that she's suggested it and he's just going along with it is sending me mental. I have half a mind to go around and steal her ashes and bring her home with me because I can't trust them to not fuck about with them.
I don't know what to do, it's like he's so traumatised by the death of my mother that he's just cut off all ties to a previous life. She hates me and my sister and is always slagging us off to each other but all nicey nicey to us.
I want her to go away and I hate being the archetypal "poor neglected step-daughter" but I resent that they now have my dad as part of their family and he doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with us anymore.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated...
My dad and I have always been really close, then my mum died and I moved back in with him and we were closer than ever. I encouraged him to get out and meet new people and he met someone and I was really behind it.
It all started out really well, she was a bit more into him than he was her etc but they ended up becoming inseparable and I barely saw him anymore which was OK, because I thought she was quite nice.
Then she turned into a bitch. A controlling, rude, spiteful and petty bitch. She makes comments about my dead mother who she never knew, she calls my sister and I spoilt (though her own two daughters are a fucking farce... she pays one of them's rent, bought her a £12k car, paid for her and her bf to go on holiday, she hurls abuse at my dad for no reason calling him a prick and a c**t to his face, once in front of me and I nearly lamped her. Baring in mind she's 26.)
Then our landlady died and we had to find somewhere else to live. Dad then said he was moving in with her and to make my own arrangements (Mind this was by TEXT MESSAGE).
Since he moved in with her I've barely seen him, if I do see him it's for very short spaces of time and he's desperate to get back to her. Her grandson calls him grandad and he hasn't spoken to his 5 ACTUAL grandchildren in months.
I just got a text from him saying they are all going out for a family meal tomorrow which they've had planned for a few weeks. Would I like to come? Because it's the only time I'll see him for ages. I then said I'd take me and him out for a meal as we've not been on our own together in months and suggested a day and he was like "rain check, don't want to leave gf on her own"
I'm at the end of my tether. My brother's just given up I don't think he's spoken to him in about 5 months. My sister is a gibbering mess and stopped bothering to talk to him. He'll happy visit her family all over the country but wont go and see his own kids or grandkids, including one who lives 2 miles away. Whenever I try and see him she gets in the way.
The worst bit is to do with my mum's ashes. We originally were going to take her to her favourite place. Then my dad got a bit attached.
Now... he's just copying what she did her husbands ashes. She's bought some cheap tacky little pots to give to me, my brother and sister with a bit of her in each and going to put the rest in the sea. My mother was hydrophobic and confined to a wheelchair for the last 5 years of her life. I hate the idea that she'd be all split up and the fact that she's suggested it and he's just going along with it is sending me mental. I have half a mind to go around and steal her ashes and bring her home with me because I can't trust them to not fuck about with them.
I don't know what to do, it's like he's so traumatised by the death of my mother that he's just cut off all ties to a previous life. She hates me and my sister and is always slagging us off to each other but all nicey nicey to us.
I want her to go away and I hate being the archetypal "poor neglected step-daughter" but I resent that they now have my dad as part of their family and he doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with us anymore.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated...
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Comments
yeah she does.
*hug*
my only advice right now is to put your foot down, talk to him and explain how you are feeling, and then act acordingly to what he says.
you shouldn't have to put up with that.
:no:
it's hard, but you'll get through.
let us know how everything goes.
You sound like your in quiet a situation at the moment and you sound very alone like you have got no one to talk to. You need to talk to him so thats what you'll do and she does sound quiet awful to me. You need to make a stand you have to make him listen and keep trying. And does your Father feel lonely at all missing his wife he sounds like he's just needs someone else.
Keep posting and keep us updated good luck x
*hug*
You should also consider what your father has been going through too. The death of your mother would have been hard on him too and he will have thought that he was going to be on his own for ever and I'm sure that will not have sat easily with him. So it seems like he has settled for the first person that came along. Perhaps he doesn't want to leave her alone because he scared that something will happen to her when he's not there - like if he controls the situation then she cannot get ill - the mind is a powerfully deceptive tool.
So my advice.
Be there for him. No matter how hard it is at times, you need to be there for him. If you walk away from him you lose a father and you've already lost one parent, this time you have some control over the situation.
Finally, if this woman is as bad as you say, he will eventually realise that for himself. How would you feel if he needed you but you'd already abandoned him? As for the "wicked stepmother", you have two choices - fight fire with fire (which is unlikely to work) or be really nice to her, all the time. Really nice. It will become obvious who the bitch is.
Family relationships are the hardest you will ever have. You don't choose family, like you do your friends. Ultimately though, in the majority of cases, your family will be there when you most need them and you cannot say that for friends - it's no coincidence that the expression "blood is thicker than water" exists. Consequently they are worth the extra effort no matter how hard that might feel at the moment.
You poor thing, this sounds really hard. Have you spoken to your other brother and sister about how it is affecting you and them. Perhaps the first thing to do is to chat to them about how they think it could be approached - even if they have given up on him, maybe they'll get involved to help you.
You might find it helpful to contact Relate - they do a lot of family counselling and might be able to offer some advice about how to approach or talk to him.
Perhaps if you ask your dad to come to a meal at your brother or sisters house because you've all got some things you really want to talk to him about - and get him to set a date when his girlfriend is busy with other things, then he might be more willing/able to come? I guess if you can get him to talk to you, the trick is to be non confrontational and try and outline what is making you upset in a calm way, allowing him to come back and give his side of things too and trying to reach a compromise.
If you can't get him to come over, or he cancels on you, another option might be to write him an email or letter from all of you, explaining your worries and concerns and how you really don't want to lose him.
Stay strong and let us know how you get on. :yes:
I know she sounds like a complete bitch and i've never met her so i can't really judge - but you should bear in mind that there is no way she is ever going to measure up to your mum.
Your dad has made some attempt to get in contact with you and get to know you - big family meals are quite a big thing and it seems like he is trying to include you in his new life - it might have been really awkward but I think that you probably should have gone.