Insecurity in a relationship

Former Member

Hi, I'm cringing a little bit as I'm about to type this, but it keeps bothering me and I can't get it out of my head :banghead: and so I thought I'd share and hopefully someone will reassure me I'm sane!

So it's about my boyfriend. We live in different cities, as we met an uni, and so have different groups of friends and different histories. I don't know if this is partly why, but I constantly just feel massively insecure in this relationship. I think insecure is the best word for it. Although we've been together 6 months, I still sometimes feel I don't really know him, or he's not really mine. Like I feel shy to write on his facebook wall or something, or I always feel unimportant. I feel like if he were to cheat on me, I'd never know because I only see him sort of once a week, and we don't have any of the same friends. I know he is friends with lots of girls over the internet that he's known from various places, and he's always been in a relationship since he was about 15. And I guess I feel because we have no solid base of shared location, friends, history etc, we're just kinda floating... the only thing holding it together is blind faith. Does that make sense? And I guess it's this that makes me feel insecure

I've read on here many entries from people in long distances relationships, and so do you guys ever feel this? Am I being ridiculous? I know that the answer may be "talk to him about how you feel..." but I don't want to come over insecure and needy, like who's this girl? where were you then? have you kissed her? Because argh, I don't want to be like that, and I don't think him simply saying no is enough to make me feel better, in fact the obvious vulnerability will probably make me feel worse

Any advice, or simply nice words! would be appreciated. Cheers.

Former Member

If you always feel unimportant then you should think about whether he is putting any effort into this relationship or if he is trying to make you feel special in any way as im sure everyone will agree the first six months, especially the first three, you proberly put more effort into making your partner feel special than ever. Thats a really exciting stage in a relationship, your always thinking of what to do with them, or what to say e.t.c. your putting your best face forward...

But perhaps hes just really laid back and would be really upset if he knew you felt unwanted by him?

You would be the best judge of that.

Feeling insecure is terrible as i know from the past, trouble is because of your insecurity or paranoia you may end up creating a story in your own head and then start to believe it, and you may be wrong?

Former Member

Your problem is really no different from the guy who posted asking whether it was worthwhile to try to keep a long distance relationship going while away at uni. But, while he might only see his gf during the holidays, you will only see your bf during the term-time. The fact that you are both still making the effort to meet up once a week is a good sign. Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

When we are away from our partners, we are all inclined to feel a little insecure. The best advice I can give is to assess how happy and special you feel when you are together, and go from there. If simply being in the same room as your bf banishes all these negative feelings, stick with it and don't worry about being shy about Facebook (some people would call it "being private").

But if, after you have been apart for a while, you don't feel that your bf isn't really making much effort and seems ambivalent towards the relationship, then don't waste any more time on him.

Relationships formed in uni can survive the inevitable term-time/holiday separations and even years out taken for travel, but these long-term love affairs do tend to be rare. It is more usual for students to accept that relationships will come and go. Even so, most couples come into relationships with different sets of friends and different backgrounds. If a relationship is going to be a success, you would expect your bf to be interested in meeting your friends, and you, his. If he seems proud to introduce you as his gf, then you have nothing to worry about. On the other hand, I once had a relationship fail because my bf's friends kept asking him how his (previous) gf was ... and he never corrected them !

Former Member

Thanks for the responses

I do think when I'm with him, some of these feelings go away. I managed to sort of mention it to him a couple of days ago, but in a half jokey way so I don't think he fully got how much it's been bothering me. That's another thing, I feel unable to talk to him about the serious stuff sometimes! I'm trying to be much more easy going, like just take it for it is, I enjoy seeing him, spending time with him etc, and then not manufacture and worry about problems until I actually have the proof. But this is must easier said than done!

Thanks for the responses though, I wanted that grounding and putting in perspective, rather than it just going round and round in my head!