Secret...

Former Member

My sort of boyfriend has told me he wants everything to be a secret... He is 17, so I guess I understand. But the thing is, he wont even tell his friends he has a girlfriend, and always goes to a load of parties with girls. And another thing that really annoys me, is he always calls girls "babe" and says "I love you" but he doesn't do that to me :impissed: He just does it to his friends.

I've spoken to him about the secret thing... He says it has to be a secret, because if his friends found out he was dating a 13 year old they would ditch him. So he'd have no friends.

What do I do? :crying:
Xx

Former Member

Oh boo.

I was in a very similar situation when I was your age. I was 13, he was 17, he wanted it to be a secret..... essentially he just wanted some affection and to feel like the 'big man' with someone. He dumped me pretty soon for a girl closer to his age who he could have a sexual relationship with and pretty much ignored me.

Since then I've always believed that if someone won't walk down the street holding your hand and feeling really proud, they're not right for you. From what I've seen of you on the boards, you're the kind of girl guys should be showing off about having as their girlfriend. It'll be tough if you really like this guy, but I would take this as an opportunity to be strong and show him that you have enough self-respect not to be someone's shameful secret.

Former Member

Butterflykisses wrote: »

Since then I've always believed that if someone won't walk down the street holding your hand and feeling really proud, they're not right for you. From what I've seen of you on the boards, you're the kind of girl guys should be showing off about having as their girlfriend. It'll be tough if you really like this guy, but I would take this as an opportunity to be strong and show him that you have enough self-respect not to be someone's shameful secret.

:yes:

Dump him.

Former Member

I agree with the above advice, if he can't be proud of you then he isn't right for you. He should want to be with you whatever, and his friends opinions shouldn't matter- it is you and him in the relationship, not you him and all his mates.

Former Member

Do you think you have low self-esteem BA? I think even contemplating a relationship like htis is a symptom of low self-esteem, I may be wrong though. If you do, what do you think you could do to make yourself feel better about yourself?

Former Member

Broken-Angel wrote: »

I've spoken to him about the secret thing... He says it has to be a secret, because if his friends found out he was dating a 13 year old they would ditch him. So he'd have no friends.

Do you seriously want to be in a relationship with a guy who values his friends over you? You've already been messed around by Jordan - so you certainly don't need this too.

This guy does not DESERVE you. You're a gorgeous girl in EVERY way. Set your sights far higher than this.

Former Member

Seriously, you are me. It's like I went back in time seven years and am watching myself be walked all over again.

You do not want to end up like me, so I suggest that you break this off now before it gets any more serious. He will break your heart. This relationship is all about control and power and not on your end.

Former Member

Franki wrote: »

I suggest that you break this off now before it gets any more serious. He will break your heart. This relationship is all about control and power and not on your end.

:yes:

It's better to be single than to be an emotional slave. Both are lonely but the former gives you some dignity.

Former Member

I agree with everything that's been said so far, but I know it's easier said than done. You often give people very good advice on this site, so maybe think about what you'd say to a friend who told you they had this problem - would you advise them to stay with this person and accept this kind of treatment? If not, then I think you know what you have to do.

Former Member

Teagan wrote: »

:yes:

It's better to be single than to be an emotional slave. Both are lonely but the former gives you some dignity.

Can we stop it with the single = lonely. If TheSite-ers keep saying it I'm liable to start believing it at some point. And I don't want to be lonely! :d

Former Member

CptCoatHanger wrote: »

Can we stop it with the single = lonely. If TheSite-ers keep saying it I'm liable to start believing it at some point. And I don't want to be lonely! :d

Walks into restaurant...."I'll have a table for one please..... :crying: "....walks over to table, slumps down, sighs

I'm in the single life right now too, and I can't say I feel too lonely. There are always new prospects on the horizon! Andddd I get to sprawl diagonally across my bed! Beat that, you one-side-of-the-bed-sleeping relationship suckers!

Former Member

I get to sprawl across the bed diagonally too, that boy wouldn't wake up if a bomb dropped on him . In fact, when we're gettin' it on, I get to sprawl across it any which way I like :d.

Former Member

Franki wrote: »

I get to sprawl across the bed diagonally too, that boy wouldn't wake up if a bomb dropped on him . In fact, when we're gettin' it on, I get to sprawl across it any which way I like :d.

Oh I hate you! haha! Damn! I'm off to get me a Franki! :crazyeyes

My ex used to like to watch me sleep, which was cute but also a bit spooky! It's a bit like trying to wee when somebody is watching, you just can't do it! :yes:

Former Member

CptCoatHanger wrote: »

Can we stop it with the single = lonely. If TheSite-ers keep saying it I'm liable to start believing it at some point. And I don't want to be lonely! :d

Aw, sorry, I didn't mean it like that at all! I'm single and I'm not lonely.

Perhaps this would be better : "It's better to be single than to be an emotional slave, the former giving you some dignity".

Former Member

super147 wrote: »

My ex used to like to watch me sleep, which was cute but also a bit spooky! It's a bit like trying to wee when somebody is watching, you just can't do it! :yes:

that freaks me out so much, i woke up with an ex watching me sleep, fucking scariest thing, some respects i'm like chandler, i make awkard jokes and hate being watched while sleeping

back to OP, BA he's not worth your time, u deserve a shit tonne better than this, he wants to control this by keeping it a secret, so i would advise breaking it off and waiting for someone thats going to be proud to be seen with you no matter what their friends thing

Former Member

super147 wrote: »

Oh I hate you! haha! Damn! I'm off to get me a Franki! :crazyeyes

My ex used to like to watch me sleep, which was cute but also a bit spooky! It's a bit like trying to wee when somebody is watching, you just can't do it! :yes:

Rich hates it when I watch him pee, he gets all self conscious . Even though I'm perfectly comfortable performing all manner of bodily functions in front of him. The only thing I won't do in front of him is change tampons but that's because sometimes it squicks even me out so I wouldn't put him through that .

Former Member

My ex used to remove mine with his teeth, all part of play.

Former Member

i think i may just have thrown up...

Former Member

curly_boy wrote: »

i think i may just have thrown up...

oh wow, so this is how my chicken bagel tasted this morning.

Anyway, Niamh, you know my stand on this Not only is he trouble, no, he has the mental maturity of a 9 year old, so look for someone more your age who is not a child. (Kinda an oxymoron, but you know what I mean )

Btw. To dish out some condescending advice: You really do not need a boyfriend all the time, if they are like this. If you keep looking and getting to know your boys better, before jumping headfirst into the next relationship, you might actually find a relationship that fulfills you and is not just for pastime.

Former Member

Akkk. Well, I spoke to him today. A couple of his mates know, and I was with him round his best friends... and I was speaking to the best friend, who is also one of my mates, and he reckons that no one will batter an eyelid. He said that even if people did care, they wouldn't mess with Sam (my boyfriend) anyway.

I've done so much for Sam, and I pointed it out to him today. I've gone on the pill for him, I agreed that (if I was pregnant) I'd have an abortion, I ALWAYS go and see him when he is upset, I ALWAYS walk to see him from school even though he is staying about an hour away, I've lied for him, I didn't say anything when he started reading Nuts magazine in front of me, I went home early from a party because he wanted to be alone with his mates... I mean. Fucking hell. What more does he bloody want!
Xx

Former Member

by the sounds of it he doesnt deserve you if you have to do all that for him just so he stays for you.....your wonderful B-A and dont forget it. This nob doesnt deserve you one bit.

Former Member

Broken-Angel wrote: »

Akkk. Well, I spoke to him today. A couple of his mates know, and I was with him round his best friends... and I was speaking to the best friend, who is also one of my mates, and he reckons that no one will batter an eyelid. He said that even if people did care, they wouldn't mess with Sam (my boyfriend) anyway.

I've done so much for Sam, and I pointed it out to him today. I've gone on the pill for him, I agreed that (if I was pregnant) I'd have an abortion, I ALWAYS go and see him when he is upset, I ALWAYS walk to see him from school even though he is staying about an hour away, I've lied for him, I didn't say anything when he started reading Nuts magazine in front of me, I went home early from a party because he wanted to be alone with his mates... I mean. Fucking hell. What more does he bloody want!
Xx

And, just out of interest, what has he done for you?

You need to be very careful, B-A; this is sounding more and more like the beginnings of a very unpleasant kind of relationship.

Former Member

Butterflykisses wrote: »

And, just out of interest, what has he done for you?

Erm... Bought me chips. Although he didn't stick around to eat them, because he had to go see someone... and he came to meet me from school the other day, and he is very sweet as well. I mean, he always hugs me and stuff. Oh, and he gave me some fags... other than that? Nothing.
Xx

Former Member

katralla wrote: »

Do you think you have low self-esteem BA?

I don't know... I guess. I don't really like myself at all, but I've always been like this.
Xx

Former Member

Broken-Angel wrote: »

Erm... Bought me chips. Although he didn't stick around to eat them, because he had to go see someone... and he came to meet me from school the other day, and he is very sweet as well. I mean, he always hugs me and stuff. Oh, and he gave me some fags... other than that? Nothing.
Xx

And so if you compare what you said you've done for him with what he's done for you, what conclusion could you draw from that? Try to imagine someone else had posted this situation on the boards; what advice would you give them and why?

Former Member

Butterflykisses wrote: »

And so if you compare what you said you've done for him with what he's done for you, what conclusion could you draw from that? Try to imagine someone else had posted this situation on the boards; what advice would you give them and why?

Akk I know it's stupid... but... I don't know. I don't even think I like him all that much, not when we are together anyway. But there is something about him that keeps me there. I guess I am just desperate
Xx

Former Member

Do you think it's something about him in particular or something about being in a relationship? From what Strubbles and others have said, it seems like it might be the latter - correct me if I'm wrong.

If it is being in a relationship that you feel you need all the time, it's something you would do really well to address head on at your age. I have friends in their early 30s who are in the same headspace, and let me tell you it gets VERY tiring and VERY unhealthy.

Former Member

I can tell you exactly what that something is. It's control and manipulation and you need to get out NOW.

Former Member

His proifle pic on facebook is now him and some girl... in a very skimpy outfit.

I hate him I hate him I hate him. But I can't dump him :-/ it's too hard.
Xx

Former Member

You can. I promise you you can. And you need to. I was you seven years ago. Exactly the same situation but add a year onto both ages. I let it carry on for a year and a half and he broke my heart over and over and over again.

Former Member

I think you jump into these relationships with guys who are bad for you, and stay with them even if you dont want to is because you want to be loved and feel wanted. If this relationship continues, its not going to make you feel loved, it will have the opposite effect and will probably make you doubt yourself even more.

Get out while you are not that deeply involved, because the longer you wait, the harder it will be. You need to be with someone because you want to, not to make yourself feel better