Year abroad relationship

Former Member

Haldo.

Yesterday evening I left Norwich, and the plan was that my boyfriend and I would split up when I left to give us time to adjust before I move abroad in September. It was an awful experience. Both of us clinging and crying on the platform, you get the gist. I want to stay with him but the year abroad is a compulsory part of the course, and having seen how badly my London - Norwich relationship worked, I'd rather leave it for now, stay as friends and see how we feel when I come back. It just feels really horrible because it's not like when our previous relationships have ended. Our feelings for each other haven't changed, it's just the nature of our relationship is changing.

I'm spending one semester in Vancouver and one in Wellington, and won't be back in the country until July next year at the earliest. There's no way he could get the money together or the time off work to see me, and I can't afford to fly back either. As he rather depressingly put it yesterday, I'll be gone longer than we were together for. The only thing that really cheers me up about this is that we were friends for a while before we got together so hopefully we can at least still be friends when I come back.

I know there's not a lot I can do, I was just wondering if anybody else has been in this situation and how they coped?

Ta.

Former Member

Awwww i'm sorry that you are going through this it must be so hard when you both have feelings for each other

Are you coming to Wellington, NZ? come see me and GothDetectives

Former Member

I havent been in the situation but I can imagine how heart wrenching it must have been I think you made the right decision, I know the way you parted must still feel really raw and horrible now but I can imagine it being one of those memories that you look back on, smile and sigh. Also, there is no stopping you guys getting back together on your return. I know things may have changed but even if it does, it seems as though you've struck a chord with this chap and you'll remain friends I hope you're feeling okay, sending hugs and I hope you have a great time abroad.

Former Member

skakitty wrote: »

Awwww i'm sorry that you are going through this it must be so hard when you both have feelings for each other

Are you coming to Wellington, NZ? come see me and GothDetectives

Why yes, yes I am :d not until February next year though. It's off to Vancouver first.

I know that there's a chance that we could get back together when I come back but a lot can change in a year. I guess it would be better to feel crappy now, go away and have fun, and come back and still be friends than to go abroad still together and potentially have an extremely messy transcontinental break up which means we won't want to see each other again.

Thanks ladies.

Former Member

I am in a situation where my partner works in Haiti for 3.5 months at a time, comes back for a month and then leaves again for 3.5 months. Although it is not the same situation, I find that the first week or so without him is always the hardest, and the key thing will be for you to KEEP BUSY and focus on the good things you know you have coming up that you are going to enjoy.

No decisions are set in stone and this bit will be the most difficult bit as you will really miss him at first and be questioning everything, but try and focus on how amazing your year away is going to be. The two of you can stay in regular contact and just see what happens when you get back.

Former Member

I have been in that situation as have many of my friends (I did a languages degree). Not wishing to sound like a doom merchant, but I'd conservatively say that three quarters of my friends who were in serious relationships during the year abroad had broken up within 6-9 months of being back (myself included). It's tough, so good luck.

Former Member

Thanks guys. A friend of mine said something interesting when she was telling me about the time she went away volunteering in India. It was only for a few months but when she came back, it nearly destroyed her relationship because she'd gotten used to being so independent and being on her own a lot that the idea of being with someone, seeing them on a regular basis just did her head in. They're still together three years down the line, but I can see that I'd probably be quite similar.

I do wonder though if being away and on my own and so far away from everyone and everything I know will in a way make me a better person to be in a relationship with. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last year and one of my main things is a fear of being abandoned. If I can prove to myself that I can cope living abroad on my own, then perhaps it will make me less clingy/paranoid because I can look back and prove to myself that I don't need someone else in my life to make me happy. I don't know, just a theory.

Former Member

Marina Aniseed wrote: »

Thanks guys. A friend of mine said something interesting when she was telling me about the time she went away volunteering in India. It was only for a few months but when she came back, it nearly destroyed her relationship because she'd gotten used to being so independent and being on her own a lot that the idea of being with someone, seeing them on a regular basis just did her head in. They're still together three years down the line, but I can see that I'd probably be quite similar.

I do wonder though if being away and on my own and so far away from everyone and everything I know will in a way make me a better person to be in a relationship with. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last year and one of my main things is a fear of being abandoned. If I can prove to myself that I can cope living abroad on my own, then perhaps it will make me less clingy/paranoid because I can look back and prove to myself that I don't need someone else in my life to make me happy. I don't know, just a theory.

I would agree that it could prove a very valuable experience in your life and will certainly broaden your horizons. I also think that you have done the right thing, because now you can fully invest in this experience and you won't have any limitations on your choices.

Former Member

Marina Aniseed wrote: »

Thanks guys. A friend of mine said something interesting when she was telling me about the time she went away volunteering in India. It was only for a few months but when she came back, it nearly destroyed her relationship because she'd gotten used to being so independent and being on her own a lot that the idea of being with someone, seeing them on a regular basis just did her head in. They're still together three years down the line, but I can see that I'd probably be quite similar.

I do wonder though if being away and on my own and so far away from everyone and everything I know will in a way make me a better person to be in a relationship with. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last year and one of my main things is a fear of being abandoned. If I can prove to myself that I can cope living abroad on my own, then perhaps it will make me less clingy/paranoid because I can look back and prove to myself that I don't need someone else in my life to make me happy. I don't know, just a theory.

This is one of the reasons i went to NZ- i haven't been diagnosed with BPD but i self identify with a lot of the traits. I am hoping this year abroad will make me more independent in my relationships too.

Former Member

best of luck in VC and wellington! hope you have fun, learn a lot etc etc and i hope it pans out well in the long run for you both

Former Member

wheresmyplacebo wrote: »

best of luck in VC and wellington! hope you have fun, learn a lot etc etc and i hope it pans out well in the long run for you both

It has to be said, I nearly fell off the bed when I saw that you'd replied, no offence meant. It's a bit weird sitting here thinking about how it was the two of us discussing this very situation not that long ago...

Anyhoo, cheers for the kind words, may see you down the pub before I leave if the idea is agreeable to you.