I can't have him...

Former Member

I'll be 18 in August. I am a member of the drumline at my high school. There's this guy who is the Percussion Director. He's 23 but he'll be 24 in August. I suppose he is still considered some sort of teacher but he does not actually work at the school. Anyway, I completely, undoubtedly, pathetically love him. I am always thinking about him. Always. I love him. Sometimes I wish I didn't because it would be so much easier but I really do love him. I know him pretty well. He's more like a friend than anything to us. I was going to wait until I graduate (a year from now) to tell him. Just how inappropriate would a relationship be right now? How inappropriate would it be after I am no longer a student? Actually, never mind that, I just want him to know how much I care about him. But I'm guessing that would make things very weird. By the way, I don't creep or hint or do anything weird that he would notice. I'm not like that and this isn't a silly little crush. I freaking love the man. Advice? :banghead:

Former Member

The age gap isn't too big in your situation so that's a plus. There are several negatives however. Number on is that he has a teacher/student relationship with you and as such is morally obliged to put your welfare, ethics and policy before his personal interests. If he chose to enter into a relationship with you he could jeopardise his career, and that would doubtless still be the case even after you graduate because word is bound to get out. His professionalism would be seriously under question if he started seeing a recent ex-student.

Putting that aside, you have not indicated in any way that he might reciprocate your feelings. Another concern is that you talk of love when you really don't actually know the man on a one to one level. No matter how friendly or open he may seem you have not seen into his personal life, spent time with him discussing who he is, how he feels about things, what his plans and ambitions are, etc. In a student/teacher relationship he would have to be guarded about elements of his life. I'm not saying that all you have is a crush, but you really don't know him well enough to be in love with him. You have a very strong attraction to him. It's important to differentiate those feelings because love is a two way thing based on sharing and knowledge of each other. You have to know someone intimately, know their flaws and embrace them all, know what makes them tick, before you can claim love.

Rationalisation is important where ANY strong feelings are concerned because they can sweep you away from sense and logic. I'm not saying that this can't work but it could cause embarrassment.

If he is interested in you then he is the one who would really need to make that clear, because he is the one who has the most to lose.

Former Member

super147 wrote: »

I'm not saying that all you have is a crush, but you really don't know him well enough to be in love with him. You have a very strong attraction to him. It's important to differentiate those feelings because love is a two way thing based on sharing and knowledge of each other. You have to know someone intimately, know their flaws and embrace them all, know what makes them tick, before you can claim love.

:yes: Spot on.

OP, you say you know him pretty well - can you elaborate? Do you spend time with him outside class? Has he ever given you any reason to think he feels the same as you?

Former Member

Thank you. The better word is strong attraction. I shouldn't have used "love". Because love a two way thing. I do know him very well though. I know his flaws and I accept them which is what I find strange. He has certain flaws that, in other people, I might find irritating, but with him I just don't care what they are because it doesn't matter to me. I just care about him. A lot. And I know that he is the one who has everything to lose. Trust me. I know. That's why I'm not really looking for a relationship or anything with him. Things could go bad fast and I do not want that to happen to him. Not to mention I don't even know if he has the same feelings for me so a relationship really isn't the issue. I just want to tell him when I graduate and if things go one way or another that's just what happens.

Former Member

StupidGirl wrote: »

:yes: Spot on.

OP, you say you know him pretty well - can you elaborate? Do you spend time with him outside class? Has he ever given you any reason to think he feels the same as you?

Well, it's hard to explain. He's not really a teacher. He doesn't work at any school during the school day. I see him in the evenings during the week and the majority of the weekend. But I do talk to him very often. Like I said, he's like a friend more than a tech. He's open with us (his kids. percussion kids.) so we're open with him.