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Detest being gay
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I’m 21 years old and despite knowing since I was 14 that I’m gay I’ve never really accepted it. I came out to my parents (well I say came out, what I actually mean is forced to admit it to them the night before an exam when I was 15) and my close friends at school (who I’m now no longer in contact with). I went to University and started a new life where nobody knew I was gay and I went back into the closet and I’ve told nobody, well other than the psychiatrist I saw for 7 months when I was 18.
The problem is I can’t seem to accept it. I still, even after 7 years, try to deny it to myself. I’ve never felt attracted to a woman and have only ever been attracted to men. It gets me really down and frustrated. If I’m totally honest I don’t want to be this way.
I’ve never had a problem with gay people and have had gay friends in the past (my best friend at school, who was about 3 years older than me, was gay). However, I have a huge problem with being gay myself. I detest it and I hate myself because of it.
My mental health has suffered quite badly as a result of it. I’ve spent most of the last 4 years in a state of depression and on anti-depressants. I’ve self harmed and attempted suicide 3 or 4 times. My mood is pretty stable at the moment and I’m generally quite content with my life with the exception of my sexuality.
Over the years people have told me it’ll just take time to get used to it and accept it, but after 7 years I’m still detesting it, hating myself and refusing to accept it. I keep telling myself that I can change and I’ve even looked into aversion therapy (even though I know it doesn’t work).
I’m fine typing the words “I’m gay”, but I can’t say it and sometimes even using the word “gay”, “homosexuality” or other associated words etc. is difficult for me. I’ll often find myself trying to say the word and either just freezing totally or feeling really awkward/embarrassed. People have asked me if I’m gay and I’ve flat out denied it (not always that convincingly to be honest). When I told the Psychiatrist that I am gay he had to practically drag it out of me.
So, any ideas on how to move forward?
The problem is I can’t seem to accept it. I still, even after 7 years, try to deny it to myself. I’ve never felt attracted to a woman and have only ever been attracted to men. It gets me really down and frustrated. If I’m totally honest I don’t want to be this way.
I’ve never had a problem with gay people and have had gay friends in the past (my best friend at school, who was about 3 years older than me, was gay). However, I have a huge problem with being gay myself. I detest it and I hate myself because of it.
My mental health has suffered quite badly as a result of it. I’ve spent most of the last 4 years in a state of depression and on anti-depressants. I’ve self harmed and attempted suicide 3 or 4 times. My mood is pretty stable at the moment and I’m generally quite content with my life with the exception of my sexuality.
Over the years people have told me it’ll just take time to get used to it and accept it, but after 7 years I’m still detesting it, hating myself and refusing to accept it. I keep telling myself that I can change and I’ve even looked into aversion therapy (even though I know it doesn’t work).
I’m fine typing the words “I’m gay”, but I can’t say it and sometimes even using the word “gay”, “homosexuality” or other associated words etc. is difficult for me. I’ll often find myself trying to say the word and either just freezing totally or feeling really awkward/embarrassed. People have asked me if I’m gay and I’ve flat out denied it (not always that convincingly to be honest). When I told the Psychiatrist that I am gay he had to practically drag it out of me.
So, any ideas on how to move forward?
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Comments
So, just grit your teeth, say fuck it, and bone a hot stud. Since your body is tuned to it, it will make happy hormones which make you accept it more, because really, we are all just lab mice pressing the button that gives us small electrical jolts for satisfaction. There is no denying it and the uneasy feeling doesn't wear off as long as you look down the cliff and assess the height. Just jump and wear a parachute (or a condom) to be safe.
Is it subconscious concerns over the reactions of others? Does it have something to do with the way you came out (or were pulled out) by your parents? Are you afraid of trying a sexual encounter with the same sex? Do you feel like you don't fit in to the gay community?
I very much doubt that you hate being gay per se; I'd put money on it being a deeper aspect of what being gay means to you, and the first step towards addressing it is figuring out and naming what that is. Then you can start to pull that apart and get clear what dragon you actually need to be fighting.
Your gay so i assume you enjoy thinking about men and this turns you on so something is stopping you accepting that and i guess you need professional help to get to the route of that.
Have you ever had a b/f if there anyone in your life who is special to you or who you would like to closer to?
One thing i do know is that denial is painful , soul destroying and makes for a misrable life for yourself and those around you.
Good luck and keep posting x
:yes: This is what I was thinking when I read the original post. You say you saw a psychiatrist for seven months when you were 18; did you get any benefit from this? It might be worth trying to arrange to talk to somebody else about how you're feeling. I think deconstructing it will help you identify exactly what it is about being gay that you hate and consequently how to deal with and work through whatever that is.
The psych never really mentioned it and I did have counselling around my sexuality, but walked out before I decked the counsellor and never went back (and that wasn't even one full session) - I've no idea what the psych made of that.
A x
No, these feelings have been around a lot longer then my belief in God.
Do you know what you detest about it, is it the thought of a physical relationship with a man , the stigma of being gay , i'm really curious to know if you actually know yourself.
This is a really tricky state of affairs there must be a reason for the way you feel but i just can't understand it , so i really feel for you as it must be very confusing for you living with this conflict.
Sorry i cant really help other than to offer an ear and encourage you to keep posting and maybe explore your feelings.
Given your choices are basically either come to terms with it and perhaps have a relationship, or live with hating yourself and being lonely I'd suggest oyu look at trying again with the counselling.
he was doing my head in and I just couldn't handle it.
Alternately, it could just be his style or method, so I; recommend trying again - but if you can work out why he was doing your head in you could mention this, and they could choose a different counselling strategy.
Was he doing your head in because he was making you confront truths that you were unable to accept?
I am completely comfortable with being gay because I know that there is nothing I can do about it. Yes, life would have been easier for me in many ways if I had been born straight but I have to deal with it and compared to what some people are given in life, I count myself very lucky. I still love and people love me. That is the essence of what many of us a crave and the fact that I happen to be gay makes no difference to the love I give and receive.
Somehow you need to get to the position where you really do accept yourself and acknowledge that you are a very worthy person regardless of your sexuality. Perhaps it may be time to go back and seek counselling but be prepared to open yourself up completely to find out what the underlying causes for your unhappiness are.
possibly.
I had a few sessions with a new counsellor recently, but fo each of the three hour sessions we just talked around the issue, but made no progress at all...I couldn't even bring myself to say the words. I didn't make another appointment to go back.
You say that you made no progress , is that just your opinion or did the counsellor agree ?
I spent a few years in denial myself trying desperatly to convince myself the feelings i had were something else, the only way i got past that was when i realised that i was more scared about what other people would think of me than i was about actually being me.
It was like a revelation when i finally came to terms with my life and to be honest i have not looked back.
You cant spend your life fighting a battle you cant win.
You need to find a way to become more comfy with yourself but maybe you need to explore other routes than counselling, have tried any gay support groups they may have experiance of this kind of thing.
You must be having a laugh...if anyone were to see me.
And the people who would see you are at the gay support group? I dont think I get your point, yeah you are worried about people seeing you, however who is going to hang around a gay support group just in the hope of taking the piss out of you?
Theres hardness to come at ease with who you are, but the levels of your "detestedness" are you really gay if you are that detested at yourself? If so, then I think a support group could be very helpful for you.
What's wrong with people knowing you are gay? I thought you said there were no problem with gay people and the only problem was that you detested it in yourself
I don't have a problem with other people being gay, like I said I've got and have had very good mates who are gay. However I detest being gay myself and would hate for other people to know I'm that way
Maybe I'm straight and just happen to have only ever found other men attractive? Of course I'm sure!
Then no matter what you do, its something you are going to have to learn to accept. Things such as being gay which in the past (and to an extent still do) have a social stigma attached to them, are always hard to get used to if you discover something about yourself.
I wonder if what you hate about being gay is the fear that your family and friends will reject you.
Who was that 'someone'? How close are you to them? How did they react?
Actually, to help you any further and if you really do want advice, you need to be more expansive in your replies. From this reply, all I gather is he was beyond 'shocked'. Was it so shocking to him that he beat to you half to death and made you promise never to contact him again?
Give us more to go on please rather than keeping your responses to a bare minimum. We all have busy lives so to drip us information just piecemeal is frustrating. So what did you say? What did he say? etc etc