Distraction

Former Member

I just need to talk for a bit, really, because I'm feeling a bit down and I don't want to hurt myself, so please I apologise if I go on for a bit.

Its been tense in the house at the moment particularly today. My mum and da split badly 10 years ago, so I'm the eldest of nine kids in a single parent family so I'm usually stressed. I dont talk about my feelings to anybody, not my family or friends. Never have and I cant see myself doing so in the near future. I just get on with it and keep a tight lid on things.

It worked for years or a least I thought it did. Now I'm not so sure. Its like this great knot in my stomach. Generally I dont notice it there but when I'm upset I can feel it weighing me down. And its then the urge comes. I honestly cant remember how it started. I do an art course, therefore have access to plenty of craft knives. No one finds it suspicious that I always carry one round. I'm an art student sure. But now, it feels like I've always done it. I'm ashamed and guilty of my dirty little secret as I call it in my mind.

We had spent the weekend at my dads for a wedding and just returned home to mum and well things weren't good between them. And all round there's a horrible feeling in the house. I took the sim and battery out of my phone so my dad would stop calling and put my earphones in so I didn't have to listen to my mum. But I can feel that weight again and I remember finding this site so I needed a distraction.

If anybody asked why I did it, I couldn't tell you but even how it started or what I feel when I do it. I just beg of you not to bottle up your emotions and talk to someone. Look at where its left me. Looking for a distraction. I still cant talk to anybody about anything and my bigges fear is being labelled attention seeking.

I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense to me, but its hard to tell it when it doesn't even make sense to me.

Thanks *Rhia*

Former Member

Hi Rhia,

We're really glad that you have found Thesite's boards to help you through tough times, that is what it was set up to do. Posting is a really good way to distract yourself. If you want some other ideas, check out this page.

You haven't said, but from what you have written it sound's like you are talking about cutting yourself? If this is the case, it doesn't have to be a 'dirty little secret', you can talk honestly and safely here.

It sound's like things can be quite difficult at home for you and that your folks don't get on, seems like that makes life pretty hard?

Keep posting Rhia and take care

Former Member

Yes, I've been cutting (I find it hard to even type the word) myself on and off for the past couple of years. This year it feels like everything has come to a head and its become regular.

I know its a problem and I have been looking into help but its hard. The facilities in my area as far as I know aren't great. Its a small community. Everyone knows everyone else, so there's the fear I'll meet someone I know.

Life is hard at home. I'm only realising now that I bore the brunt of it being the oldest but I've always just got on with it. Now I dont know what to do.

Former Member

The fact that you see your self harm as a problem and are looking for some support is positive. There is help out there.

Have you looked at our local advice finder? That may come up with resources in your area. You may also want to think about talking to someone on a helpline? You can stay annonymous and talk confidentially. You can also talk to your GP about how you are feeling? They may look at referring you and giving you other advice.

Thesite has lots of up-to-date and practical information about self-harm, you could have a look at that too?

You've talked about keeping a tight lid on your emotions from your family, but this has obviously taken it's toll on you. This lid may 'pop off' one day. How would it feel to talk to someone in your family about how you feel? This could be on your terms and in a controlled way?

It's great that you are studying on your art course too. This can often be a good way to express yourself and stay focussed.

Former Member

I'm not actually from the UK but from Ireland. its funny how the most helpful sites are those from the UK. And I actually am finding it really hard to find help here. I think my GP suspected once, but I made up some excuse. He hasn't inquired since. Even just thinking about telling someone is actually making me feel like cutting myself.

As for talking with my family, thats out of the question. As well as there being a lot of problems presently within the family, my mum recently said something in general about cutting, not knowing that it could also refer to me. It made me adamant about them not finding out.

I love the art and sports as well. I'm told I'm good and I have played even for Ireland. But even these things just don't give me the joy I used to have when I played or drew.

Former Member

If thinking about talking to someone in person makes you feel that way, then maybe it's something to aim for in the future. Maybe focus on the things that make you feel OK and you are comfortable with - art, sports and accessing site's like this for online suport. You could also check out the National Self Harm Network?

You've done really well to explore some options tonight. Keep posting Rhia and take care

Former Member

Thanks for the support. Its nice to know that there is somewhere to go to now if I'm in need.

*Rhia*

**helen**

Hey Rhia, have you heard of a website called Spun Out? It's similar to TheSite.org but based in Ireland - http://www.spunout.ie/

Well chuffed that you've joined our forums and hope you find some useful resources on there too.

Former Member

Thanks a million. I actually just found out about it. Both have great information and a fantastic support system. Though I find this site a bit more informative on SI.

Thanks for the support

*Rhia*:yippe:

Former Member

Its making me sick!!

I feel the need to cut again. I feel physically sick from it. I'm trying to everything to distract myself. I just cant. I feel that if I sucumb I could do some serious damage as I'm a bit more upset than normal. i've even brought the laptop outdoors, nothing is working and I just dont knw what to do!:crying: :crying:

Former Member

Any mates who are awake that you can text? What about playing an online game? Or snake? one of the helplines?

Former Member

Definitely no mates. No one knows about it. I've never been big into games and stuff but I'll give it a go. Anything at this stage.

Former Member

Ha, I am the shittest of the shit when it comes to computer games. See if you can find a cool old school game like tetris.

Former Member

I'm great with computers but not with any sort of computer games or anything. Now give me a blank computer and I could update it for you with the latest gadgets and accessories for free and within the hour

Former Member

Well, I do have a new laptop. I tried to put parental controls on it so my daughter couldn't use it at certain times. Thought I'd done it. Came home this evening after 9pm to find her on my bed, playing on the computer!!!! Cheeky madam, and whoops -how did that happen?

Guess I'll have to check the settings and try to do it again. I have an easy solution though, change the password to her account. ha ha.

What sort of stuff would you put on a puter? I only use it for internet and writing essays...

Former Member

My mum tried that on her laptop for my younger brothers and sisters. But they too managed to bypass it so she brought it in to a computer shop and well they managed to literally keep a tight lock on the internet. Needless to say they were'nt too happy bout it.

I would put a lot of stuff for downloading music, cleaning my desktop automatically, free antivirus, stuff for downloading online books (my fav) and then stuff to compliment my ipod touch and to rip dvds. A wide range basically.

Sorry I know your trying to help, um I dont feel like I can talk bout this anymore. Its kinda hard to follow any sort of thought process at the moment for it. I feel like crying, but I cant. It feels like a massive pressure is just building up in me. I need to find something else to distract me

Former Member

Thanks Katralla, *hug* you helped last night when i needed it and funnily enough i found distraction from my cat and her mischevious kittins. Still feeling a bit out of it this morning. Not the best start to the day, huh.:no:

Former Member

Hi Rhia, i have just read through your posts, sounds like you had a tough night i hope you feel a little happier today, try and get out in the sunshine that all ways makes me feel better.
If this happens a lot maybe you can plan some distractions for when you are feeling low, i know its not the same but i suffer from panic attacks and doing something that i really enjoy and can get stuck into helps take my mind off it, the trick is i think to use distraction straight away rather than wait until you are feeling desperate.
Anyway good luck to you *hug*

Former Member

Thanks LouiseK. Generally any distractions I have help, just yesterday I was particulary upset and I just couldn't get anything to work. And not having having anybody close to talk to is hard and though I want to, I've never been comfortable talking about my feelings or emotions to others. Even today I'm feeling that low from yesterday but its that bit easier to cope with now that I have the whole day ahead of me. I'll try not to dwell upon it if I can

But I will take your advice and try and get out and get some air.

Thanks for your support*hug*