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sexless relationships?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
ok so i have been with my partner for 3 n half years. For the first 8 months we didnt do anything, which i was OK with as i didnt know her and i was enjoying getting to know her.
she is 21 and i am 24
After that time we started having sex regularly, it got better and better (as it does) .. then quite adventurous, which was great. We were at the stage she would tell me the things she wanted to when we got our own place... me being a guy, i've never forgotten this, lol.
Soon enough it started to die down a little. She grew closer to my parents and she said she felt weird doing stuff in their house when they could probably hear us, i was OK with this and sex started to get really rare.. maybe once a month.
I started to get frustrated as my sex drive is really high, i'm sure guys on here will agree that when you go without it for so long your mind starts to wander, i kept having thoughts i shouldn't, looking at porn more, etc..
So after a while i called her up on it and explained its really distressing for me, i explained i dont really want to be like this, but i need it regularly to satisfy my urges. This was 2 months a go and we have done it once (the following weekend after i told her about this). I really told her how i felt in the nicest way possible so i thought things would change back to how they where.
We also moved into our own flat just over a month a go and we haven't done a thing. Whats happened to all the stuff she said?
The first 2 days or so we were tired so i didnt try anything (obviously i wanted to get down to business right away though). The a couple of days later she has her period, so there is a week out... now it's been 3 weeks since and there has been no budging her what so ever.
What couple doesn't want to enjoy sex sessions in their own home when they finally get their own place?
i've tried having cozy nights in
drunken nights in
romantic meals
cuddling and touching trying to get her going.
nothing works, she just turns over and goes to sleep.
now i'm at the point anything turns me on, i keep thinking about other girls, ex girl friends, basically heading into dangerous territory.
Now i think maybe she's not the girl for me... i'm not a sex addict, i just want it regularly. why not?
The problem here is that she has moved 45 miles to move in with me, she's not allowed back home, we have a 6 month contract on our apartment so it's not so easy to break it off.
the fact that i have explained how horrible it is for me and nothing has changed pisses me off. why isn't she interested in making me feel better? i would have it every day if i could but i'm happy to meet her in the middle and just have regular, once a week, anyone can manage that.
Its actually quite upsetting, i dont know what to do anymore.. in a way i feel trapped.
Any advice here? am i over reacting? any couples been through the same thing?
she is 21 and i am 24
After that time we started having sex regularly, it got better and better (as it does) .. then quite adventurous, which was great. We were at the stage she would tell me the things she wanted to when we got our own place... me being a guy, i've never forgotten this, lol.
Soon enough it started to die down a little. She grew closer to my parents and she said she felt weird doing stuff in their house when they could probably hear us, i was OK with this and sex started to get really rare.. maybe once a month.
I started to get frustrated as my sex drive is really high, i'm sure guys on here will agree that when you go without it for so long your mind starts to wander, i kept having thoughts i shouldn't, looking at porn more, etc..
So after a while i called her up on it and explained its really distressing for me, i explained i dont really want to be like this, but i need it regularly to satisfy my urges. This was 2 months a go and we have done it once (the following weekend after i told her about this). I really told her how i felt in the nicest way possible so i thought things would change back to how they where.
We also moved into our own flat just over a month a go and we haven't done a thing. Whats happened to all the stuff she said?
The first 2 days or so we were tired so i didnt try anything (obviously i wanted to get down to business right away though). The a couple of days later she has her period, so there is a week out... now it's been 3 weeks since and there has been no budging her what so ever.
What couple doesn't want to enjoy sex sessions in their own home when they finally get their own place?
i've tried having cozy nights in
drunken nights in
romantic meals
cuddling and touching trying to get her going.
nothing works, she just turns over and goes to sleep.
now i'm at the point anything turns me on, i keep thinking about other girls, ex girl friends, basically heading into dangerous territory.
Now i think maybe she's not the girl for me... i'm not a sex addict, i just want it regularly. why not?
The problem here is that she has moved 45 miles to move in with me, she's not allowed back home, we have a 6 month contract on our apartment so it's not so easy to break it off.
the fact that i have explained how horrible it is for me and nothing has changed pisses me off. why isn't she interested in making me feel better? i would have it every day if i could but i'm happy to meet her in the middle and just have regular, once a week, anyone can manage that.
Its actually quite upsetting, i dont know what to do anymore.. in a way i feel trapped.
Any advice here? am i over reacting? any couples been through the same thing?
0
Comments
If i implied i have been pushy with her and naggy thats not the case at all. we have totally been moving at her pace. i never ask or try to get her to do anything, the times i have tried have been nice settings and i've been really nice to her cuddles, kisses, etc.. but i get nothing back.
the problem now is that i am sick of going at her pace,i've gave her plenty of time to make a move or return my love.
talking to her wont help it will go the same way as it did before, she basically said i was over reacting.
i suppose that is the only advice anyone can offer and i knew that, i probably just wanted to get it off my chest and see if anyone else was in the same situation.
You are probably right, it's been on my mind for a couple of weeks, but she had made a commitment by moving here so i have to give it a go, i just know talking about this wont help in the slightest, but can i go on another 5 months? (until our apartment contract is up). Living with her has just made me realise a lot. It's almost as if she's passed the excitement/sex/experimenting part of the relationship and happy just settling in her own home, coming home from work, having food and a cup of tea, pj's on and bed ready for the next day.. where as i am the total opposite.
Things aren't bad, we get on well, we never argue, it feels like we are just friends though we are no where near as loved up as we used to be, i know she loves me, i dont think there are any reasons shes being like this, but just at a stage in her life where she isn't bothered. I have respected the fact she has a low sex drive for a really long time i just feel like i'm getting nothing in return.
Well, obviously you can't force someone to seek treatment for a low sex drive...But FYI for women there are safe nonprescription and prescription solutions (below), many of which have been proven in published studies to increase a woman's sex drive. Just be aware that figuring out how to increase the female sex drive is complicated because the desire to make love is influenced by so many factors including physical, emotional, relationship satisfaction, and the setting you are in. Possible causes of low sex drive in women include stress or anxiety, medications (anti-depressants, birth control pills) complexity of health issues (Diabetes, MS, cancer) and fatigue.
Of course, if you are concerned about your girlfriend's libido (and she is too) you should encourage her to talk with her doctor. Here is a list of possible steps you can take:
• Ask her to have her doctor check her thyroid function.
• Ask her to check with her doctor if there any side effects of any medications that she be taking.
• Zestra (nonprescription)
Two placebo-controlled studies published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy showed that this blend of botanicals and vitaminsprovided a significant increase in arousal, desire, genital stimulation, ability to orgasm and pleasure. The treatment also worked equally well on women using SSRI antidepressant medicines.
• Hormone Therapies (prescription only)
Localized estrogen therapy - Placing estrogen directly into the vagina soothes vaginal tissue, and allows the secretions necessary for comfortable sex. They are available as suppository tablets, creams, or "rings," which sit inside the vagina and give off small doses of the hormone over time.
Compounded testosterone cream - Some pharmacies that make medicine from scratch offer testosterone creams and gels, but you'll need a doctor's prescription.
• Vitamin E (nonprescription)
When used locally in the vagina it can help rehydrate tissue and may possibly increase sensation.
As you, we never argue, and get on well otherwise, but the lack of sex means I find myself looking and other women a lot (would never cheat though). And it has been stressing me out, I find myself winding myself up while at work.
I can just see when we move in nothing will change, and I will end up getting even more frustrated as I won’t even be able to watch porn when I want! As you said I am no sex maniac, once a week would be more than fine!
I know she is looking for a relationship for the future, but I cannot see how it will last forever with the lack of intimacy. Can the sex life of relationship ever improve?
I think we know the right thing to do, but I am worried I will live to regret it..
Do yourself a favour. Do not move in together until you have resolved this issue one way or the other. I don't blame you in the least, but the fact that you are looking at other women should be ringing major alarm bells. As you have said yourself, moving in together is unlikely to improve things and will almost certainly end up with one or other (or both) of you feeling trapped. A sure recipe for disaster.