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Sister's sexuality
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys, I realise I haven't posted here in a long time but I could really use some help.
The other night I walked in on my little sister (she's 17) crying in her bedroom. After spending hours comforting her I finally got her to tell me what was wrong.
She has a boyfriend who is a family friend and spends most of his time at our house more than his, and who our parents are very fond of. Well, she said recently she hasn't been so happy with him even though she loves him.
What is the reason for this? She thinks she is a lesbian. I think she might just be bi-curious (please pardon any bluntness by myself because as you can guess this is a tough subject for an older brother) as she's never had any experience with another girl and she says she doesn't actually have feelings for another girl either. She's really confused by it all and she can't get the thought of her being with a girl out of her head.
I think it might just be a passing phase but I would really appreciate some advice on what to tell her or anything that might help her in any way.
Any advice will be greatly recieved.
Andy x
The other night I walked in on my little sister (she's 17) crying in her bedroom. After spending hours comforting her I finally got her to tell me what was wrong.
She has a boyfriend who is a family friend and spends most of his time at our house more than his, and who our parents are very fond of. Well, she said recently she hasn't been so happy with him even though she loves him.
What is the reason for this? She thinks she is a lesbian. I think she might just be bi-curious (please pardon any bluntness by myself because as you can guess this is a tough subject for an older brother) as she's never had any experience with another girl and she says she doesn't actually have feelings for another girl either. She's really confused by it all and she can't get the thought of her being with a girl out of her head.
I think it might just be a passing phase but I would really appreciate some advice on what to tell her or anything that might help her in any way.
Any advice will be greatly recieved.
Andy x
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Comments
I think you need to be there for you sister, to listen to her and give her a shoulder to cry on when she needs it. Maybe she is bi-curious, but she needs her family's support either way. Right now, I think she just needs someone to care for her while she gets to know herself.
Xx
She's my little sister so this is something i'm completely uncomfortable with, but i just want her to be happy.
We've been brought up with homophobic parents, so this idea terrifies the life out of her. Their views were sort of forced on me when i was younger but i'm glad i managed to break away from it and make up my own mind about it all.
Thanks for the reply :thumb: Andy.
Xx
It's great that your sister has been able to tell you what's bothering her. It sounds like that must have taken a lot of courage given the situation she's in and the way you both might imagine your parents reacting.
It feels like the most important thing you can do right now is what you're already doing - being there for her to talk to if, especially if she doesn't have many people around she can be honest with about how she feels.
It sounds like there might be two different things for her to think about. Although the issues are related, clearly she's not particularly happy in her current relationship. If that's the case then regardless of why she thinks she isn't happy that's something you can be there to help her through.
Clearly the lad is liked a lot by your parents but regardless of her feelings around her sexuality, she shouldn't feel like she has to be in a relationship when it's clearly not something making her happy.
In addition to the support you can provide you might want to pass on the number for Supportline where she'll be able to chat to someone about how she feels in the relationship at the moment.
At the same time she might also want to speak to someone about how she feels about her sexuality. The London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard is well regarded and would give her to chance to discuss how she feels with other people who may have been through a similar situation.
Ultimately it's down to your sister to decide how much she's comfortable talking to your parents about. If your household has been really homophobic then you both might want to handle things with care, prejudice can be a difficult thing to overcome. It might be best to deal with her feelings about her current relationships before thinking about whether your parents need to know about her sexuality.
What she has said to you isn't anything I've not said myself when I was in that time. She fines other women sexually attractive, she doesn't need to have sexual contact with them to know she might be lesbian. My cousin (male) was in the same stage of acceptance, I guess that's what you could call it, where he had girlfriends for years, but he knew he wasn't truely happy even though he was loving to his other partners.
I think i'm just going to leave her to it just now and suggest those helplines. Obviously i'll talk to her about her boyfriend and ask her if she really wants to be with him etc. but i think to her she doesn't feel like she can just leave him. She says it's 'too complicated'. I'm not too sure exactly what that means but i'll keep trying to talk to her.
Thanks again guys.
Andy.
Just like to add that you are an amazing brother for her to be able to open up to about this, and you wanting to be there for her! :thumb: wish my brothers would be like that!
Hope everything turns out ok!
Maybe she means with the family and everything being fond of the bf.
Tell her that ultimately it comes down to the simple choice of whether she wants to be with him or whether she doesn't want to be with him - that the family will love her and be behind her whatever happens.
Nothing complex about that at all when you boil it down to a simple "Do you want this relationship to continue? yes / no"
And shyboy, i think she has come to the conclusion that she doesn't want to be with him anymore. That's what i've managed to get out of her so far. I think she's just a bit worried that she's going to lose a lot of friends over this. I'll just wait and see how it all goes from here and let her figure it all out herself.
x Andy.