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Getting trust back
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Well, I confronted my boyfriend about the texts yesterday (I'd been at my mum's, visiting her for her birthday and growing ever more agitated for the previous couple of days, so I didn't get back to our flat until Saturday) and after initial bullshitting denial ('What texts? What are you talking about? Who from?' :yeees: ) he admitted it, but swore it was only texting 'because he was bored', accompanied by much 'I love yous', 'you are my lifes' and 'I don't want to lose yous'. Not sure if I 100% believe it - unless he gets turned on by naming pubs (not) to meet up in - but I made it clear that there are no more second chances. So....
But can trust ever be regained? I have to take his word for it, because it would be easy for him to cover his tracks (I only found out because he'd not deleted the texts) but what eats me up is that I don't know how I can look at him in the same way again. I was always so smug because I trusted him 100%, we're not one of those couples who need to phone each other 100 times a day, I could go on research trips without worrying, I had no concerns about him travelling for work, but now all that's shot to pieces?
Does it get better? Can things get back on track after something like this?
But can trust ever be regained? I have to take his word for it, because it would be easy for him to cover his tracks (I only found out because he'd not deleted the texts) but what eats me up is that I don't know how I can look at him in the same way again. I was always so smug because I trusted him 100%, we're not one of those couples who need to phone each other 100 times a day, I could go on research trips without worrying, I had no concerns about him travelling for work, but now all that's shot to pieces?
Does it get better? Can things get back on track after something like this?
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But, if you are sure you want to stay in this relationship, I'd say take it slowly. It'll take along time before you can trust him again, and even then I think you probably wont trust him like you did before you found out. But remember that finding out is a good thing, you can work on it now. Have you thought about relationship counselling? That could help both of you.
Some people do change, but most people unfortunately will not.
First things first though, prior to starting counselling or anything along those lines, he needs to be totally honest with you. And right now, it doesn't seem like he is being.
Xx
They can. My (now) hubby cheated on me about 4 years ago (we had been together for 3 years) and, although it was tough to begin with, I can honestly say I 100% trust him now. We have made so much progress in our relationship since then and although I don't blame myself and there is no excuse for cheating, we talk more to one another then we did back then and we have now got married and bought our own place- no way would I have done those things if I didn't completely trust him! I actually think it has made us stonger but I know most people won't understand that. Of course I'm just talking about my own experience.
Do you believe him that it was just texting and nothing more? Bearing in mind they were making plans for places to meet?
Because if he is still lying to you now, then I definitely don't know how you can get the trust back.
Same....maybe you should talk to him about that part? And honestly....i wouldnt be able to trust him again, I would most likely give him another chance, cause i would always kick myself if i didnt, but deep down i knew i wouldnt be able to trust him, it would eat me up inside, and i just would just have to finish it
I don't know, I really don't know if it went beyond texting. He told me that the texts mentioned pub names because he was in a pub. It was just a game. But at the same time - whether it was just texts or not - he does realise what he's done, keeps saying how he loves me and couldn't go on without me, has been amazingly attentive over the past week (doing the washing-up - woohoo!) and has been in floods of tears twice over the past few days (in the 9 years I've known him - and we've been living together for nearly 6 - I've only see him cry 4 times). Whilst he may have been able to tell himself it was 'only texting' at the time, he definitely grasps now how hurtful it was. We were coming back from a mate's house on Saturday, I was asleep on his shoulder on the train and woke to find him crying his eyes out, saying how much he fucked up and hates himself for behaving like his dad.
One I suppose positive thing to come out of this though is he's been a bit more open about things. It's no excuse, and he admitted such,but he reckons that one of the reasons was he was finding work hard to deal with. He got a promotion a while ago and whilst on the surface he's been absolutely fine, loving it, underneath he's terrified by the level of responsibility and the size of the decisions that come back to him. I had no idea he was feeling so insecure about it. When I said I knew I had been a bit distant over the past few months he said it was nothing to do with me, and he hadn't been feeling dissatisfied...
So yeah - I think it's all given him a short sharp shock, he's realised how he's taken me a bit for granted and hopefully that will be that. I've told him in no uncertain terms that if there is ever a next time, I'm out. I'm sure he's worked out that I could have been so evil about this - I can just imagine what his mum would say if I told her - but I hope to God I've chosen the right approach by sticking by him and I'm right that it's a one off. Only time will tell....
I just feel awful!!!